The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Students reported feeling excited to return to campus as soon as possible: be it next week, over the summer, next fall, or literally who the heck knows when.
A poll by The Seagle reveals a majority of students are excited to go back to in-person classes, citing their anticipation of overrated academic competition, soul-crushing internships and intense interpersonal drama.
Eight percent of students said they plan to return for the summer session, 39 percent said the fall semester and 53 percent said when Wonk Cat thinks it is safe to return.
“I’m not going back to campus until it’s completely safe in terms of Covid,” junior Whitney Butler said. “I have a sinking suspicion I’ll be finishing my degree online.”
Safety is a point of contention among students.
“I’m participating in the mini-mester right now, and it’s perfectly safe,” freshman Isaac Carr said. “I stay in a ‘bubble’ with my three roomates. And we only mix with four other ‘bubbles’ without masks every week. Some of those folks don’t socially distance at all, so I’m glad I’m doing my part.”
Another student also expressed enthusiasm.
“I can’t wait to get back to campus tomorrow, next semester, or in 10 years,” sophomore Gabriella Jones said.
University administrators have said they trust students to follow COVID-19 safety protocols when the time comes for a full return to campus. According to an internal memo, leadership has full faith in students to stay six feet apart at all times, limit intimate physical contact and practice good personal hygiene — three things college students are known for.
“It’s only a matter of time before we haul everyone back to campus,” AU spokesperson Rod Rucker said. “I don’t care if we’ve got to jab the vaccine in students on move-in day. Financially speaking, AU’s days are numbered without students coughing up wads of cash for room and board.”
When asked when students will find out about the return plan, Rucker declined to give a date.
“The president’s cabinet is going to pull straws in the basement of the Asbury building sometime next week,” he said. “I’ll let you know then.”
Owen Boice is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
