The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Look, we are all missing American University. The no-longer-under-construction flora and fauna, night-monumenting and our Hillternships. It can be hard to be sitting at home, thinking about what could have been if we were at AU this semester. But why think about it when you can do something to feel connected to AU again? These quick TDR-inspired recipes will boost your morale instantly.
- Cheesy Pepperoni Pizza With a Side of Rat Droppings
Serves: Your entire floor, including the friendly dorm rats
Difficulty: Easy
Preparation Time: 25 Mins
Cooking Time: 20 Mins
Ingredients:
Flour, salt, sugar, fast rise yeast, water, oil, tomato sauce, mozzarella, basil, parmesan, pepperoni and rat droppings to taste
Instructions:
Literally just dump everything together and shake it around. Once it’s dough-like, slap it a few times. Grease it up with some oil. Then, when you are really ready, take a few handfuls of rat droppings and just fold it in. Then, once cooked, add some more rat droppings on top to make it taste extra American.
- Mold-Coated Greek Salad with Balsamic
Serves: Like half of a student
Difficulty: Only For Experts
Preparation: 4 Days
Cooking Time: 5 Minutes
Ingredients: Romaine, tomatoes, cucumber, croutons, chickpeas, olives, feta cheese, olive oil, vinegar, salt and pepper.
Instructions: First off, start with extremely old and decayed vegetables and lettuce. Make sure they’re starting to rot and either already have a few spots of mold or are on the brink. The cheese can be fresh, it’s mainly important that the body of the salad itself is completely covered in mold. The mold can be white or green, depending on how much you miss AU.
- Slightly Raw Crispy Chicken Tenders
Serves: Maybe your dog?
Difficulty: Complicated
Preparation Time: 30 Seconds
Cooking Time: 1 Minute
Ingredients: All-purpose flour, egg, water, Panko bread crumbs, parmesan cheese and a package of chicken breast
Instructions: In three different dishes, place the flour, egg and bread crumbs with parmesan cheese. Move the chicken breast through each of the three stations until they are coated with all three. Then, move the chicken breast to a sizzling hot pan. DO NOT COOK THOROUGHLY! It’s extremely important to recognize that these need to be pink in the middle with absolutely no edible features.
- Uncooked Powdered Scrambled Eggs
Serves: You and your last Tinder hookup
Difficulty: Easy
Preparation Time: None
Cooking Time: 30 Seconds
Ingredients: OvaEasy Egg Crystals
Instructions: Mix your egg crystals with water in a pan. Let them cook for thirty seconds so they are still powdered a little bit in odd chunks. Do NOT add seasoning. Quick and easy!
- Expired Blueberry Surprise Muffins
Serves: However many people you want
Difficulty: Intermediate
Preparation Time: 2 Months
Cooking Time: However long
Ingredients: Sugar, leavening, salt, butter, sugar, eggs and milk.
Instructions: Combine all dry ingredients. The ratio doesn’t matter; just dump it all in. Then, combine the wet ingredients. Again, do not worry about the ratio. Combine both the wet and dry mixes. Proceed to cook at whatever temperature and length you are desiring for that day. Then, and this is important so please read carefully, leave the muffins out for two months. Do not touch them, and preferably keep them in a humid spot to help them nurture their mold and bacteria until they are ready to serve.
Aliza Schuler is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.
