Satire: Starbucks wall word search is just too difficult for students to crack
Elementary level puzzle stumps hundreds of elites
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
A roar echoed from the hollow coffee grounds of AU’s on-campus Starbucks on Monday. Dozens of customers, piled around an ominous wall etched with terms written in white chalk, celebrated after finally finding another word on the culminated word search.
“This is groundbreaking,” said Thomas Girchak, a local D.C. council member and doting AU parent. “I do the word finds every day in the Wall Street Journal, and I gotta say– this word find is the only reason I pay $60,000 a year to let my son attend this university.”
Students across campus have questioned their own reasoning for attending AU as they have quickly redirected their attention from doing work to solving this indubitably unsolvable puzzle.
“I have been here for three days straight trying to figure this out,” said sophomore Brian Calloway. “I’m still struggling to find the word ‘motivation.’”
Although it is still early in the semester, students' nerves are being stretched to a breaking point in dire attempts to solve this problematic puzzle.
“I’m so stressed out over this that I’m already in finals mode,” said junior Evie Neward , a business major with AirPods hanging crookedly out of her ears and dark bags under her eyes. “Can someone please get me my Mocha Cookie Crumble?”
The well-known student coffee shops on campus have also been up in arms over the recent hysteria over Starbucks’ word find.
“They’re taking all the business we normally get since the students just stay in Starbucks all day instead of going to class,” said Morgan Edinbourough, a barista at the Bridge. “You know, we had a word find on our display for, like, a month. No one ever touched it.”
Most of all, the coffee shop workers feel cheated out of their shops’ own humanitarian efforts.
“It’s so frustrating,” said Daphne Sphinx , a barista and world-class latte aficionado at the Davenport Coffee Lounge. “We put up specials for drinks that’ll actually help charitable organizations, and the only thing getting people’s attention seems to be some stupid word search with ‘student’ straight across the middle of the wall.”
Students are being driven beyond the point of insanity in pursuit of the intricate complexities wrapped within the puzzle, which some seem to think is a Godsend.
“If anyone is able to solve this holy text of a puzzle on the wall, AU Methodists will give them a full ride,” said Stephen York, a local deacon of the National United Methodist Church. “Usually we use a more adequate incentive like ‘do it for the community’ or for ‘God’s grace and bounty,’ but we’ve realized that the only reason God would put this puzzle up on the wall of a money-grab location like this is to give the money back to His children.”
Some have already claimed that they, against all odds, were in fact able to complete the puzzle in its entirety, hoping to claim some sort of prize for what some have called “the greatest achievement of their lives.” Students have continued to prey upon the unfortunate employees for a monetary reward.
“I didn’t even know that this place had a word search,” said Travis Harper, a Starbucks employee who has been working there for four years. “Instead of paying for a grande coffee, they’re asking me for money. We don’t even have a prize.”
President Sylvia Burwell was not able to comment when approached by reporters as she too was caught up in the entrancing search for the word “empathy.”
Justin Poulin is a sophomore in the School of International Service, and is a satire columnist at the Eagle.