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Friday, April 19, 2024
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Satire: Students form new club to avoid math Core requirement

AU Students Against Math express frustration over math requirement

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

In an effort to avoid taking their Quantitative Reasoning I Core requirement, some AU students have formed a new organization: AU Students Against Math. The club held its first meeting last week.

“Why is it that just when you get the hang of numbers in math, they start throwing in letters?” said club president Ameen Correa. “As far as I’m concerned, that’s just crossing a line.” 

Generally, AU students are not known for their interest in math.  

“It’s no surprise that most students at AU hate math,” said Jillian Alston, chair of the University’s math and statistics department. “During my tenure here, I’ve heard all kinds of excuses to get out of doing math. My favorite was ‘numeraphobia.’ I’m no psychologist but I’m pretty sure that’s not a thing.”  

At the first meeting of AU Students Against Math, several of the club’s members shared their concerns with an audience of students. 

“I could hardly believe it when I found out that we had to do math in college,” said freshman Felicity Graves. “I mean, Calculus I and II? I don’t need two classes to teach me how to use a calculator!” 

Other students shared similar views. 

“I understand that AU has to check certain boxes for accreditation, but at least they could make us take easy math,” said junior Sanaya Benton. “I mean, algebra is enough for me.” 

“We’ve tried to accommodate student complaints by lowering our standards considerably,” said Alston. “But students still go to great lengths to avoid math. I will say, though, that this club is the farthest that I’ve seen them go.”  

“What bothers me is the professors,” said sophomore Tamar Andrews. “They act like there’s a right and wrong answer. Shouldn’t I get full credit for explaining my answer of 36 even if the professor wanted us to say 197?”

“For me, it’s all the red pen,” said freshman Sabrina Meyer. “Just think, professors could have chosen any color to grade with and they chose red. It’s just such an oppressive color on my eyes. It feels like they’re screaming at you every time you make a mistake.”  

Not all students had the same reaction. 

“Leave it to AU Wonks to make a big deal out of nothing,” said junior Marcie Bradford. “Next thing you know, they’ll want the University to ditch College Writing too.”  

“It makes almost too much sense,” said sophomore Fariha Kamil, who is majoring in Applied Mathematics. “I’m sure you’ll never need to do math when writing legislation on complicated tax policies and healthcare reforms.”

“I’m not sure what the big deal is,” said senior Colby McKee. “Can’t the University administrators just send out a sympathetic tweet as usual and the whole thing will go away?” 

Owen Boice is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

Section 202 host Gabrielle and friends go over some sports that aren’t in the sports media spotlight often, and review some sports based on their difficulty to play. 

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