The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Last November, The Seagle published a piece about sophomore Zach Langley and his conspiracy theory about the Student Health Center. We’ve reached out to Langley for an update, and to our surprise, he’s completely shifted his focus from the Health Center to the closure of Megabytes.
In Langley’s own words, this change is because there is “no way” that there isn’t something “going on behind that giant metal door.”
“I mean we can’t even look in!” Langley said. “At least in the health center, they were trying to hide the fact that something was going on. And here they want to cover all of the windows so we can’t see in. And we’re supposed to just believe it’s because of repairs? Come on.”
Langley believes that Aramark themselves had a direct role in the closure of the popular student sandwich shop, and that there’s something shady going on behind the paper covered windows.
In his room in McDowell Hall, Langley’s walls are almost entirely covered by conspiracy webs. His roommate transferred to another room because of him, but Langley is glad that he has more space now that his roommate isn’t holding him back.
His web includes polaroids and printouts of Megabytes, various species of rats, Neil Kerwin, Steve from 2Fix, and that one wonk bus with the front facing seats. Most immediately striking is the phrase: “Aramark is the real rat!” spray painted in bright red over the cluttered sprawl of paper and strings.
Langley sat down with us and ran through a part of his theory.
“Megabytes shut down over a rat. A rat is a mammal. Mammals eat food. Aramark supplies food to AU. Sylvia Burwell is the president of AU. The Wall Street Journal recognized her in 2005 as a woman to watch. And what else were we watching in 2005? That’s right, it was the year ‘Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith’ was released.”
He pointed out that Megabytes had been closed for 92 days when The Eagle published their update on the lawsuit.
“Now hold on to your hats here, do you know what the 92nd line in Revenge of the Sith is? ‘Anakin, hold your fire.’ That doesn’t seem meaningful at first, but play it backwards, and it says: ‘tear it down with a rat,’ and that’s just the beginning.”
Langley has a few ideas of what Aramark might be doing inside of Megabytes. They range from relatively harmless coffee gatherings to rather extreme speculations that the space is being used for secret cult rituals. As with the Health Center, Langley is desperately trying to get a look inside of Megabytes.
He can be found at most times during the day searching around the closed sandwich shop for an entrance.
“I haven’t found anything yet,” Langley said. “But if a rat could get in, then so can I!”
Caeden Cloud is a freshman in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist at The Eagle.