Satire: Report finds AU students most politically active, least sexually active

Why hook up when you can listen to Pod Save America instead?

Satire: Report finds AU students most politically active, least sexually active

The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.

A recent report conducted by the Office of Campus Life at American University found that while students here may be some of the most politically active in the nation, they certainly aren’t getting it.

The report surveyed over 1,200 AU students across all grades, schools and majors, from political science to fine arts. Lisa Moore, a spokesperson for the Office of Campus Life, said she and her team were not surprised by their findings.

“If I’m being honest with you, no one was shocked to find that students who spend their weekends canvassing for Congressional candidates who don’t stand a chance of winning aren’t getting much action,” she said.

Sophomore and CLEG major Justin Henley said that he’s been too busy the last few years to even think about dating, but plans to look into it when he’s done with law school.

“Right now, the only thing that gets me going is Marbury v. Madison,” he said.

Health Center nurse practitioner Mary Kennedy says that although sexual activity rates on campus remain low year-round, the rates of STD and STI cases skyrockets after election season and tend to be even higher when Congressional seats turn blue.

“Our students obviously have no idea what they’re doing,” Kennedy said.

For the last three years, the school reported to have the lowest rates of sexual activity was the School of International Service (SIS), where students report they just don’t understand the appeal.

“I would much rather spend my Friday nights reading a 100-page policy memo on U.S. involvement in Nicaragua during the Cold War than swipe on Tinder,” said junior and International Studies major Sabrina Mayer.

Mayer said that dating would only interfere with her career prospects.

“How is making out with that random guy from my Transatlantic Security class going to help me get an internship at the State Department?” she asked.

Other SIS students fail to grasp what “sexually active” means as defined by the Office of Campus Life report.

“I don’t think we’ve covered that in AUx yet,” freshman Jordan Riley said.

In the current political climate, and taking into account AU’s location, Moore said she does not expect these statistics to improve anytime soon.

“Until our students find solutions for political polarization, war, poverty and hunger, we don’t expect things to get hot and heavy,” Moore said.

To combat the lack of action happening around campus, Moore and her team devised a campaign that educates students on topics of sexuality.

“Overwhelmingly, when we surveyed students on whether or not they were active, their response was ‘politically,’” Moore said. “It was very sad if you ask me.”

Still, admissions counselor Jackie Gallant says the University wants to retain its reputation as an institution where students spend more time studying and attending class than hooking up in laundry rooms.

“We don’t want our students to become too thirsty,” Gallant said. “We aren’t trying to be like Rutgers or Temple or anything like that.”

Junior Jackie Shaw reports that she almost made it happen last semester, but it quickly fell apart.

“I was so close,” Shaw said. “He was really cute, but he wasn’t registered to vote.”

Bobbie Armstrong is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle.

This article originally appeared in The Eagle's November 2018 fall print edition

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