• Dear Kogod,?What were you thinking scheduling upper level classes at 11:45 every day? It makes it real hard for us to have those internships you're always promoting — some of us are trying to have a job when we graduate.?Sincerely,?Annoyed Senior
• Centennial Hall … please have hot showers by winter?
• My roommate is Asian and supposed to be quiet. She even described herself as such. But somehow she enjoys being noisy as f@#$ between the hours of midnight and 3. Bring back quiet, stay-in-room Asians!!!!
• I wish this year wasn't going by so fast.
• What's this "Look of the Week" column? The Menswear made easy outfit in the picture is horrendous. Someone needs to tell them that scarf and shirt don't match.
• "To all the girls complaining about the lack of guys … Get off your damn pedestal and start looking past the surface."?I'd just like to take this opportunity to say the same to all the guys I've heard complain about the lack of "attractive” girls.
• I NEED SEX. I’M GOOD LOOKING AND HORNY GODDAMIT WHY IS IT SO HARD.
• My best friend won't date me but is quite happy to sabotage my other potential relationships … like finding a man at AU wasn't hard enough.
• Why are SIS majors bashing on math/science majors? What kind of place is there where it is better to get a middle management job at a government agency or spend 40 years at the Cambodian embassy than it is to learn math?
• The reason I didn't sleep with you when you had me over wasn't because I thought it was going too fast; it's because I have back acne and didn't want to take my shirt off. :/
• To my professors:?I would like to quote "The Bad Girls Club"?"I ain’t get no sleep cause of y'all, you wont get no sleep cause of me"- Tanisha?-Your lucky I cant actually do this.
• Bro, at 2 a.m. it's time to turn off TF2 and go to sleep. Your voice haunts my dreams because I can hear it THROUGH THE CONCRETE WALL. Also, your roommate hates you. He told us. Go outside sometime. Sincerely, STFU
• "I’m in love with Sea Horses, I’m in love with 'em they are so beautiful and cute"?- Sea Horse Sea Shell Party
• Lighthouses rule. You don't like lighthouses you suck?- Seahorses rule
• Who does he think he is? Captain knots? Thinks he is Captain Tying Knots whenever someone needs their knots they go to him. Bull S***"?- Drinking Out Of Cups
• Why does it seem that everyone at this school feels so entitled? As I slave away at a paper due in eight hours because I have been working this afternoon, the guy the booth next to me talks (loudly) about how he has to go find someone to shine his $300 shoes.
• Is it wrong to be annoyed by the fact my roommate does nothing but lay in bed all day? Can someone show 'em a good time??Sincerely,?Guy Fawkes
• I hate bees.
• The second floor of the library is silent for a reason. This doesn't mean that you can Skype in the bathroom and be super loud. I can hear you from down the hall. There's also a sign in the bathroom saying no phone calls. So please, girl in the bathroom Skyping her friend, be quiet! I'm trying to study!
• I know it 'tis the season to turn the heat on … but couldn't you have waited ‘til November at least? My roommate and I are sweating like crazy! And neither of us are doing anything remotely “fun” to get that way!
• To the single Japanese guy in my Chinese class who loves America, I know how you could get a green card. ;) Also — please smile more, I think my heart need more exercise.
• As a Phonathoner I need at least 300 rants a night to get through a shift. Please MORE.
• Dear student who saw Tommy,?You wouldn't know art if it shoved it's hand down your pants.?Ranting license - suspended.
• Dear Editor's Note-person, Thank you for kindly explaining the weekly publication schedule of the Eagle. But now that I know there won't be Eagle Rants the week following Thanksgiving, I'M FREAKING OUT. It's possible I now have enough time to emotionally prepare … we'll see.
[Editor’s Note: Just think how many Rants there will be to read after Thanksgiving! Rants about family dinners and hometown feuds will be pilling up in my inbox just waiting for you to read them the week after. Hopefully that thought will get you through the difficult time ahead.]
• Ladies, tipsiness is no excuse for attempting to open door handles with your chest.?-Sober on a Tuesday Night
• To the individual who thinks the lights being on in the Letts elevator severely decreases their chances of illicit make-out sessions — the lights never went out last year and it never stopped me!?-A Fan of Elevator Make-Outs
• Dear Hot Native American guy in my foreign policy class,?You're really hot when you're not spouting dumb bullshit.?Love,?Girl who is having trouble staring and rolling her eyes simultaneously
• I feel like I smoke a pack of second-hand cigarettes every time I walk in front of the library. At least they're mostly American Spirits?
• Dear Dav,?It'd be great if when I came back for my second cup of tea all the liquid sweetener and half and half weren't MIA after I paid $1.50 for a cup of hot water. It makes me sad.?Sincerely, appreciator classy beverages
• Saw this ad "Wanted: Dorky, attractive boy who is smart, kind, funny and genuine. Must run around the city with me some nights and spend others cuddling with me in my bed, watching a movie. Is that so much to ask for?"?I am replying. I think I fit …
Northside Guy
• AU could have more money for students if they fired everyone involved in that detested WONK nonsense.
• It is 65 degrees out and all these people are dressed like it's winter. It doesn't matter that it is the end of October, I dress for the weather, not the date, so please don't make fun of my attire just because you are weak.?Sincerely,?Someone who loves cold weather
• I've been to the library more times in the past month than in my first three years at AU combined. I don't know if my liver can take it anymore.?-A Senior committed to protecting Thirsty Thursdays
• I came to the shocking realization in class today that guys no longer feel the need to support women. How am I supposed to be a housewife if no one is going to support me? Rude.
• Some of you may know Liz Richards as the VP of Student Government; but many of you don't know her at all.
Wanted: a BIKE or ROLLER SKATES women's size 8. Chica needs wheels.
• Dear Disillusioned Freshman,?Welcome to the club.?- Disillusioned (but Determined) Sophomore on Scholarship.
• If you have to ask if you're a biddie, you are a biddie.
• L,?Hey Girl Hey?-T
• My Micro SI: So insane. So dorky. But so flipping adorable. Almost as adorable as my Ethiopian professor's chubby cheeks.
• Why don't any of the gay guys on this campus never want to settle down! I actually don't understand!!! I'm sick of random hookups!
• YES! PANERA NEEDS TO OPEN STAT!!!!!!!!!!!! MAC & CHEESE NOW!
• I think it's cute how the people who spend every night in the library become friends. Nerd love
• My roommate has the impressive skill of getting whatever song she has stuck in her head stuck in my head.
• WHY CAN'T EVERYWHERE I EAT TAKE MEAL SWIPES?!?!?! I've only used 38 meal swipes, yet I'm all out of Eagle Bucks and Dining Dollars. -_-
• SAVE A PRETZEL FOR THE GAS JETS!!!!!!!!
• You pay upwards of $60,000 a year for school. The only thing you should be #occupying is your classrooms. Get real.
• So much swagggg
• So many Habibis where do I begin?
• The campus squirrels are more friendly than sorority girls. I swear.
• The Wonk ad on this homepage embarrasses the shit out of me. I'm pretty sure a sophomore in SOC could've made a less lame one.
• Ginger in the front row of my gov’t night block: We get it, you are 21 and went to Cheff Geoffs. No reason to squirm, wheeze, fidget in your chair all night.
• It would be more effective for Occupy Wall Street protestors to protest against the war in Afghanistan than to oppose Wall Street bankers. Who exactly are Wall Street protesters fighting against? Why not rally to oppose the war in Afghanistan, which drains American money much more than some fat cat in NYC? Yet, for most Americans our wars in the Middle East are out of sight and out of mind.
• You guys really don\'t know how good you have it. #mondaysmakememissau
• Trying to enjoy the sweet sounds of WVAU on the 2nd floor of MGC while getting some homework done. And alas, I can do neither thanks to the Coke machine down the hall that won't SHUT THE F**K UP. WORST.
• Dear Guy-Who-Looks-Exactly-Like-Ted-From-How-I-Met-Your-Mother,?You're a huge distraction, because instead of listening to the professor, I keep repeatedly saying "wow, that guy looks exactly like Ted from How I Met Your Mother.”?Can't you get a buzzcut or something?
• No one is gonna remember what I'm talking about thanks to fall break, but thanks for completely turning me OFF the idea of watching “50/50” by implying that the main character is going to hook up with his shrink. I really hope someone realizes how creepy a violation of ethics that is.
• Now trending all over AU: @whereinthehellhavetheeaglerantsgone
[Editor’s Note: #fallbreak]
• You may purge our walls at Ward, but you will never purge our right to voice our opinions and freedom of speech. WE WILL CONTINUE TO WRITE. CENSORSHIP OF THIS LEVEL WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.?-ANONYMOUS
• Dear Dems, please get your stuff together! Look at the CR's. Look at all the speakers they have brought to campus and events they have had. Yes, we all love the “West Wing” and we all love wings, but seriously, step your game up. I'd rather give my dues money to the CRs because they'll at least put it to good use. Sincerely, Disgruntled Dem.
• Parents weekend=good food
• My 3-year-old cousin puked last night … apparently she parties harder than I do.
• The good thing about procrastinating is that the laundry ends up getting done.
Paranormal Activity 3. Terrifying. Now when my roommate sleep talks in tongues I think she's having a conversation with a demon.
• The good news is that my English teacher admitted that we can't get an A in her class. The bad news is that I can't get an A in that class. And she outright told me.
• Couldn't get in to a movie at the Friendship Heights AMC because the movie is in their "Club area" where alcohol is served. Really? Really?
• I didn't know substitute teachers don't exist in college. This is huge.
• That awkward moment when your neighbor tells you to be quite at 3 p.m. with the excuse that they're getting surgery, but then they go out partying that night.
• Don't even begin to talk to me about Rick Perry! Or his hair.?-Disappointed Texan
[Editor's note: Obvious comment or joke that is not funny.]
[Editor’s Note: Hilarious.]
• I would do almost anything to get rid of those embarrassing wonk TV commercials. The campaign itself is bad enough, but having a television ad is horrid. If I wanted to go to ITT Technical Institute, I would be paying a lot less and rollin' to school in my pjs. AU you are better than this. #killthewonkcampaign
• No paper last week makes me long for my Lonlies, McBrides and Wigleys. Where are the new Rants?
• Dear would-be lonely hearts:?Every time I read an Eagle Rant about someone looking for "the right" person or "just a nice" person or someone to be cute with/cuddle with/sweet with, I can't help but wonder how true that is. Like, what if a person with bad skin, or a funny nose, or some extra weight, or a different skin color or religion or political affiliation than you took you up on the offer? Sure, in a perfect world, it shouldn't matter to you, but in reality, would it??- Not conventionally attractive, but nice.
• Eff you and your mixed signals.
• Baste god? Really? B-A-S-E-D god. Get hip.
• Didn't go the way I wanted, but thanks for the trial period anyway. Too bad I couldn't outdo the other guy.
• Dear hippies at AU,?Why don't you do something useful with your life and occupy a shower??Sincerely,?The 99 percent who think you smell
• Why aren't there any Eagle repositories in the tunnel? There should be one in megabytes at least.
[Editor’s Note: We have one in Bender, but will definitely look into putting a few copies in Megabytes!]
• "Fine. This is my last post as Lonely On Northside. F*** you “creeped out person”. You don’t even know me. If you even knew me in person you’d know I’m not a creepy person. And if for some reason you do, and you think I am creepy, that’s your fault. Not Mine. Go f*** yourself."?How can this get posted and not my rants about the guy who gives blowjobs in the arboretum?! I've seen him and he is real. Stop hiding the readers of Eagle Rants from the truth.
[Editor’s Note: No more BJ Rants.]
• Dear guy who stole my wallet,?I hope that Amtrak ticket and what ever you bought in Tenleytown was worth it. Because if I ever find out who you are, I will end you. I hope you get hit by that train.?Sincerely,?The girl whose wallet you stole
• I enabled the 3G hotspot on my phone simply because Eaglesecure blows so badly. Funny thing is … it tends to be faster than Eaglesecure somedays too.
• So I just got my wallet stolen along with all of my cash, debit cards and photo IDs. The fact that I have to pay $25 for a new AU ID because I "los\" mine kind of adds insult to injury.
• AU doing stupid things with WONK is not front-page news. Seeing The Eagle treat it as front-page news does nothing but inflate the campaign's overworked sense of ego. Stop giving it so much press, Eagle.
• Yes "L" is a real person and becomes more enticing everyday. -t
• "To Miss Lonely Lesbian,?No you are not alone. There are quite a few lesbians on campus. Most of us just have a penis. Please don’t give up hope. I know there is someone for you.?Sincerely,?Woman in a man’s body"?WOW. That was rude and totally alienating.?--Ticked off for her sake
• To the person who wants a dog: Two dogs live on campus. Ask around.
• Dear A Southerner/Urban Dictionary is Too Vague:?Biddies be trippin'.?Love,?A Southerner/non-biddy
• Tim McBride is going as a woman for Halloween. That's so convenient because I'm going as a lesbian.
• Dear headwear-obsessed kid: is it glued to your scalp or are you just balding?
• I feed off the hate … and uncrustables.
• To all who complain about the rats in the bushes: they're smaller than lab mice, they don't bite, they aren't diseased and they aren't cops. Coat your jeans with Cajun pepper and mousetraps and get over yourself.
• "Any other redheads think we need to demand more respect on this campus?" YES!
• @ the Assassin's Creed player: I have a feeling that I know you … I'm willing to bet that you're a freshman in SIS. Kudos on the practical application as well!
• DOG LOVERS CLUB YES. SOMEONE BEGIN THIS. or just email me at baddestbitch@ausg.org.
• To Clark Kent in Understanding Media. I saw you look around the room on Tuesday as you waited to meet your admirer, but when you never looked at me when I was near you or about to talk to you. So, I left without saying anything. But, for another chance here's a hint. I sit in the same seat with the same three other people all the time. Good luck Obi Wan.
• The sound of my roommate's chewing disgusts me. I understand you were raised by wolves, but can you please chew with like a human being if you are going to constantly be chomping on food next to me?
• I know you have a "boyfriend" and he's really, really cool but you should probably just hang out with him if you're going to be texting him the entire time you're with me.
• @People ranting about the rats — Washington, D.C., (especially the Foggy Bottom area 3 miles away) is built on top of a swamp. There will be a few rats here and there.
• Dear boys,?Once you've crossed the platonic line with a girl you can NEVER EVER high five her again. It's a rule. So save the high fives for dudes if you ever want to hook up with that girl again.?Sincerely, girls
• Dear Eagle,?Can you please post Eagle Rants every day instead of posting a zillion rants once a week? It's a getting a little ridiculous. I know the paper copy only comes out once a week, but you can actually upload content to a website EVERY day of the week.?Thanks for considering.
[Editor’s Note: We’re putting it to a vote on our Facebook page. Vote now!]
• My roommate is a virgin. FML.
• I hate my new grad school. I miss the idealistic, friendly, passionate, intellectual, engaged environment of AU SOOOOOO much. Everyone at my grad school just cares about making money.
• Chers Americans!?Why can't you just ANSWER a txt when you rcv one??? It’s common courtesy. You with all your rules and prescribed behaviors about dating and friends and whatever should know this. ITS NOT THAT HARD. — Lost in translation (?) Europeans.
• My girlfriend graduated last semester, and so far I have been failing miserably at filling the void she has left: having her to eat dinner with, to cuddle with, to laugh with and to cry with. Getting to see her on a bi-weekly basis does almost no good and only makes me feel her void more the rest of the time. I want my best friend back! :(
• To the person who mentioned jazz clubs in their last Rant: How do you feel about Fats Waller and Oscar Peterson?
• Every time I tell someone I go to American University they ask, "Which one?" I say "It's in Washington, D.C." and they reply, "What's its name?" Thanks AU.?- An Eagle Abroad
• Leonard is full of the most awkward people in history, and I'm sick of them.
• A biddy is a fine ass ho. Like between an 8 and a 10. All other definitions are silly and irrelevant.
• Re: Thrifting?Thrifting in D.C. isn't good, and stay away from any consignment shops, they're just expensive. Go to Unique, its a huge thrift store in Wheaton. You can take a bus from Twinbrook.
• To the person who likes the Toilet Paper signs: Thank you! We spent about two hours putting them up, so I'm glad you approve!
• OK, so whomever the fat ugly 1 percent-er is who decided to rat on the TDR swipers: Get a life! And you owe me $12.19!
• A New AU — contrary to your belief, you don't represent the students of this University. Now, go shut up!
• WHY DON'T I EVER SEE TIM MCBRIDE AROUND CAMPUS?! He has an office in MGC; surely I should see him more often than just at AUSG events. I really enjoy seeing his wonderfully cute face around this place.
• I like Kevin. You know which one.
• Dear Fellow Tim McBride Lovers,?I propose that we all get together sometime and Occupy Tim McBride's Office. Second floor MGC. Together we can make a difference. We are the 99 percent of straight girls at AU.?Sincerely,?Another Tim McBride Lover
• Losing your best friend from home because you are too far away to be there when they need someone sounds pretty stupid when you are trying to do something with your life, but I still cried because I miss him. And now I will have to go right on missing him because he hates me … /:?Sincerely,?Moved really far away.
• I'm always super worried that Eagle Rants about irritating roommates are about me D:
• Dear people above us, Kindly stop dropping what sounds like a bowling ball.
• Stop running in the library you idiot. Also, don't wear flip flops in late October when it's been raining … idiot.
• RE: An Only Slightly Unsatisfied Senior?-Ditto
• I know one of the students in the WONK ad. Did they pay you? I'd be too embarrassed to show my face in public ever again.
• Anderson Hall got a whole lot sexier after President Rangos came aboard.
• @Goonie goo goo: Aunt Bunny fell down the stairs.
• OK AU, I used to think syncing passwords was a good idea on your part, but now I'm just pissed! After changing my passwords two times, I still can't access my email … wtf? And it took Eaglesecure forEVER to recognize the change, ugh.
• WHY DO PEOPLE COME TO AU FOR THEIR PRE-MED PROGRAM?! JESUS. MARY. & JOSEPH. DID YOU GET REJECTED THAT BADLY?!
• I miss that girl who used to draw epic paint backgrounds for the Phonathon computers. Alumni Cat can haz donashuns?
• You know the cubicles on the first floor of the library? Yeah, they aren't soundproof. This might be the "moderate" noise level floor, but come on. You don't have to discuss sandwich orders that loudly. Heck, they might even taste better if hashed out in discreet, hushed tones.
• Two dudes who live next door. I love the electric guitar as much as the next girl just not at 4 a.m. Contain yourself …
• If TDR knows when the busy dinnertime is, why wouldn't they make more food and provide more forks???
• I'm a biddie all day every day. And proud of it.
• Is it possible there could be more than two stars in the sky here? Do we need a “Hey Arnold” moment?
• McDonald's, why can't you be open 24 hours?
• Mudbox overcharges. The end.
• What nasty hobbit left hair in the library cubicle?
• Jenna Marbles, you make excellent points about slutty Halloween costumes (and everything else).
• Dear AU,?YOU WILL NOT ATTRACT SMARTER OR MORE DEDICATED STUDENTS WITH WONK. Get your shit together, spend money on rebuilding the dorms, the library, hiring new faculty, rebuilding the rest of the buildings, fixing the Internet and getting a better food service. Better buildings and happier students = Better school. Better school = Better applicants. Annoying ad campaign = University of Phoenix. Don't be those people, or I'll transfer.?Sincerely, Why do I feel like I could run this school better than the entire administration?
• Get rid of the WONK campaign before the entire student body transfers and your admission rate rises to 100 percent.
• Dear Honors 101,?Just because I'm in the Honors program doesn't mean I'm socially challenged. Stop forcing me to interact with people I dislike while simultaneously making me fail numerous classes since you steal all my homework time away from me.?Sincerely, I already have friends, but I need A's too.
• Dear Bon Appetit,?I am so sick of the TDR salad bar. They always have at least four different types of cheese, but half the time the lettuce is already wilted and looks like it has diseases. Also, please stop rotating the tomatoes and the carrots. Both are typical salad toppings and should always be available. It isn't hard to have a good salad bar, biddies, just maybe consider talking to someone who actually eats salads next time you stock it.?Sincerely, Goldfish? Seriously?
• Has anyone, ANYONE gone to the library and not gotten on Facebook? I would like to meet them.
• I understand the basement level of the library is open to small discussion, but if it's 2:30 a.m. and I can hear your entire group over my headphones, Go. Away. MGC is open 24 hours too.
• @FakeNeilKerwin,?This summer my friend and I both took classes, and she mentioned how she thought you were the "Fake Neil Kerwin." Now that I realize her prediction was 99.99 percent positive, I just wanted to say thank you for the humor you bring into my life and onto my twitter feed. As Bob Dylan once so famously said "keep on keepin’ on."?-DruryMemory
• I am so glad I have friends that love me and care about me. We live, work and play together and somehow we all get along. I hate that other people don't have that! There are good people out there and everyone deserves to find a group of people who makes them feel loved.
• I like the WONK campaign. I know, I know, I just assumed the title of superdork. But I proudly say, "I am a Wonk,” despite the fact I am the only person on earth who does so.
• Sorry if I get into TDR without swiping, being a hater is the blow, it is not OK. It's not flirting, it's treating the workers as people and not thinking I'm better than them; and if they don't swipe me, I'm not going to complain. Keep it movin’.
• If I have to download SafeConnect one more time I'm going to start an Occupy OIT movement.
• Dear Floormates and Friends of Floormates,?I understand that it is Friday night and quiet hours will not be in effect until 2 a.m. However, that does not mean that 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. should be considered "extremely noisy hours.” Please go to the Quad if you feel the need to act like 6-year-old children with undiagnosed ADHD on speed.
• How am I home during Halloweekend?
• I've had a "vow of silence" from alcohol, since Welcome Week. Are frats still gonna be throwing down next weekend? Last year I was too drunk to notice, and this year I'll be too sober not to care.?- awesome
• Eagle Rants should be categorized so I don't have to read positive things. All I want to read are things that make me feel better than other people.
• Did you know that in 1998, AU had a bonafide cult? They targeted foreign students with their recruiting. The AU Methodists led the charge against them, and their president published an article in the Eagle railing against them. The Eagle should republish these articles. (They aren't online — the archives don't go back that far). **learned in psych of religion with Dr Gray**?- a strange male junior
I found an Eagle article on the AU cult I was ranting about before, "Students Advocating Christianity Today." http://www.rickross.com/reference/icc/ICC142.html
• I HATE TDR WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. SPENDING $12 JUST TO GET A MEDIOCRE BAGEL AS A MEAL BECAUSE I CANNOT EAT ANYTHING ELSE THERE RUINS MY DAY. I SHOULD NOT BE OBLIGATED TO PAY FOR (AT LEAST) 150 OF THESE.
• To the lesbian in a man's body: thank you. I was afraid I was the only trans person on campus and it was legitimately terrifying. Love, a man in a girl's body.
• Well I'm so above you?it is plain to see?but I came to love you anyway?so you pulled my heart out?and I don't mind bleedin'?any old time to keep me waitin'?ohhh oh ohh?I got a love that keeps me waitin'?I'm a lonely boy
• Called 2FIX today and ended up fixing the issue myself while the 2FIX guy just stood there, staring at me and doing nothing. Only at AU.
• Why, cold weather, why? Now all of the Halloween costumes cover legs :(
• To who ever found and turned in my keys to Public Safety, THANK YOU!!
• That awkward moment when I read the new Eagle Rants, like six of mine were published, and I realize that I don't feel as bad as they suggested, anymore. Maybe I shouldn't be writing Eagle Rants.
• To all of you lonely people at AU, I promise that you have not gone unnoticed! I am currently scheming a way to make things better. Centennial will solve your problems. You'll know our solution, when it’s ready, promise!
• OK, I love wonks and all … but are there any geeks on this campus or am I there only one? If there are any other people who know what a D20 is, don't think D&D is just a place for doughnuts and think it's awesome that I just came back from a wedding where everyone was dressed up in 11th century garb — Please come find me /forever alone/
• Dear people who kick the handicap door button. STOP IT! You're breaking it and there are people who REALLY need it. I know that pushing a door gets in the way of you looking like a slime ball, but until being a douche bag is listed as a physical disability.
• American, quit trying to make WONK happen, its not going to happen.?Sincerely,?Regina
• GROCERY CHAFFEUR SERVICE? Really? AU kids are getting even more spoiled and now they can't even do their own groceries? This idea makes AU the opposite of a "green campus," which I thought we prided ourselves upon? Do we really need people to drive around and buy our groceries for us then deliver them to us? Like, you really can't leave your high pedestal to buy some food for yourself? What are you going to do when you graduate?
Rant here!
