• @Desperately Wants to Thrift
Check out the AU Independent Arts Collective!
• Contrary to popular belief, students who take night classes or who don't live on campus like to attend AU events as well. Stop sponsoring events that start at 5 or only happen during the week.
Thanks,
The Forgotten Ones until they collect tuition checks
• The editor’s notes are getting out of control!
• “My roommate is a music major … HELP"
All I have to say is RUDE. Your SIS degree isn't going to get you a real job anyway.
• I don't understand what's wrong with white people speaking a foreign language. Try opening a book instead of ranting about your RA.
• Why is everyone royalty?
• I tried to give out cookies in the SIS crisis simulation as a tactic to get in conversations. ‘Cause no one is gonna tell the girl with cookies to leave.
• I don't know why everyone looks at me weird when I immediately start singing along with whatever song is playing in the residence hall lobby.
• Has anyone seen the ad for the WONK campaign that AU is running on TV now? I came to AU because they didn’t do stuff like that. We look like the University of Phoenix …
• Hey Wants Desperately to Thrift,
Thrifting is the bomb, though I've been told by some long time D.C. residents that thrifting sucks here. Fortunately, there are some awesome thrift/vintage stores in Baltimore. Let me know if you're down.
Side note: AU, you suck (at least the members of your student body do). For anyone out there who is intelligent, creatively minded and still likes to party: let's be friends, I'd like to have a good time before I transfer.
- Disillusioned Freshman
• I just watched the new WONK advertisement. Now I know what video I need to watch the next time I want to induce myself to vomit.
• Why do Eagle Rants only appear once every week now? :(
[Editor’s Note: Because The Eagle is published once a week.]
• Sounds like someone has a crush on Tim McBride. Forget it! He's mine. (I wish.)
• My mom got married and decided not to tell me.
• I still use the Oxford comma. No shame.
• LEARN HOW TO USE THE PHRASE 'CATCH-22' OR DON'T USE IT AT ALL.
• Dear ranter whose RA thinks they're Asian …
I understand you more than you will ever know. MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.
• Real talk KEVIN KUNITAKE IS THE COOLEST MAN I KNOW.
• Enroll at American University. We're so high that we think our own brand campaign posters are talking to us.
• Dear TDR,
I am torn over your new boxes. They are smaller, but they appear to be more Eco-friendly. Very crafty.
Sincerely,
A hungry environmentalist
• Every time I pass a tour group, I want to tell the kids who look relatively normal to go somewhere else and save themselves.
• Dear Freshmen Who Are Considering Transferring,
I strongly urge you to consider it. I haven’t hated AU, but I really think I would have ended up with a better college experience somewhere else.
Love, An Only Slightly Unsatisfied Senior
• I fear the actual anonymity when I post an Eagle Rant. Do the Eagle staff know when we submit it online?
[Editor’s Note: Nope! It’s all completely anonymous. When you submit a Rant, it’s forwarded to an email account and shows up as being from “New Eagle Rant.”]
• Damn baste god, you doin' — everything!
• Ten million Eagle Rants!
• Maybe it's just me, but if I were judging universities by their TV ads, the new WONK ad would have me signing up for classes at the University of Phoenix.
• Dear boys in 666:
When you laugh really loudly and menacingly at 3 a.m., it doesn't do anything for your reputation.
Love, your frightened neighbors
• Dear person whose neighbor is recording conversations,
Seriously, stop posting all these rants and go talk to him/her! And if that doesn't work, talk to your RA. That's what they're for.
Sincerely,
Stop being so passive aggressive
• Wonder why TDR is always low on silverware? Ask fraternity and sorority pledges, as well as the associated gingers.
• If it's Sunday, it's Meet the Pr--My Eyes! MY EYES! I've been blinded by seeing the new WONK ad on actual television!
• JFC: Could you guys put out some more towels to wipe crap off with? Maybe I'm crazy but using the two towels that are already dripping with others people sweat seems unsanitary.
• There goes my babyyyy …
• Dear TX should be its own country,
I'm loving the state pride here, but some people like you are not helping convince people that Texas is not a freakshow. And Texas WAS its own country. Do a little research before you go all secession on me.
- Hook ‘em
• @A potential South side suitor
I'm in. Totally up for the social dating.
• I know that AU loves to talk about its federally funded landscaping projects, but I would love to walk on the Quad on a nice day without it smelling like a barn.
• The new WONK ad is literally the MOST mortifying thing ever. You watch, our retention rates are going to plummet precipitously.
- Shame wonk
• Finding out that other people are from the Midwest is an instant bond. #midwestreppin
• Smelly Quad … it's not your fault …
• There needs to be a club for people who DON'T go study abroad, for people who no longer have any friends on campus because all their friends are gallivanting across the world. Thanks for helping me be lonely, AU Abroad.
• To all the girls complaining about the lack of guys … Get off your damn pedestal and start looking past the surface.
• I'm a sex wonk.
• "Are there no lesbians on this campus??? Am I alone here???" Go to Q&A meetings! They're announced on the Facebook group. I've been told most lesbians on campus are taken though, if THAT's what you're looking for.
• Hey, douche bag, move over, let me talk to your pretty lady. I know you guys read these all the time. Lady, I just want you to know I'm sorry I didn't wait to be a second choice. You know I would have treated you better than him anyway.
• I've got Rangos fever.
• I'd be the Anderson President's Monica Lewinsky.
• I hated hipsters before it was cool.
• Overtly, the girl situation at AU for guys seemed promising.
Covertly, as a junior I'm here to tell you, that's bulls**t.
• Why do people come here and major in math or science? Are you people dumb? Did you not get into any schools?
• To the people who were having sex in their window. I wasn't trying to peep in … I was only smoking a cigarette. I just happened to look up as you were looking. Next time get a curtain and maybe a cuter boyfriend.
• On Oct. 3, Nick Rangos asked me what day it is.
• Why we need the Oxford comma:
A direct quote from The Times newspaper, talking about a Peter Ustinov documentary and saying that:
“highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.”
… stolen from Tumblr
• No Eagle Rants this week?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
• I am a thoroughly disappointed Phonathoner. This job sucks enough on its own, but it is insufferable without Eagle Rants. We need Eagle Rants more than anyone else on campus.
• That rally today was awesome! I'm pumped to do some more protesting until the administration respects student concerns!
• AU isn't tolerant of terrorists.
• Dear beautiful girl in my legal theory class: why did you only start flirting with me AFTER I got a girlfriend?
Signed,
Confused and Currently Taken
• Dear gorgeous blonde girl in two of my classes: You're really cute. I'm really confused though: I don't know why you keep smiling at me. I've never talked to you. Perhaps we should change this …
Sincerely,
- Guy mesmerized by your smile
• Fake Neil Kerwin Twitter handle. Brilliant. Keep it up! That is all.
• Woah nelly, how about them alppes!
• Dear lovely AU students. When you borrow a book in the library, it doesn't become your personal property. So please abstain to write and highlight books that don't belong to you. It makes it difficult for others to read them. And also, it’s very, very NASTY!
• Dear Phoneathon readers,
Can alumni give donations to very specific causes? I don't want to make a donation unless it will be spent on power strips for the library.
Thanks!
• Dear Anderson front desk people,
You see me carrying a crap load of stuff. Could you maybe help me out and open the damn door?
• We've become good friends. That's great and all, but I want you on top of me. Preferably, sooner than later.
• Dear AU guys with luxurious facial beards,
I approve. I approve so much.
• "Oh, Mother. I can feel the soil falling over my head and as I climb into this empty bed, oh well. Enough said.”
If you're looking for a way to make yourself extremely confused and uncomfortable look no further than AU's production of “The Who's TOMMY,” where Uncle Ernie humps a doll on stage. Creative license — suspended.
• It's really embarrassing that I'm a student at a supposed institution of higher learning whose shuttles read "Main - Campus Metro" instead of "Main Campus - Metro" and have since at least August. Seriously?!
• Day 12 with no Eagle Rants. Unacceptable. OCCUPY THE EAGLE OFFICE!
• Is everyone else as bored as I am here?
• Seriously AU, you made my dorm into a prison. The swipers are awful. McFoul pride?
• No one wants to go watch AU play soccer on a Saturday. Even if it's free.
• To the people not picking up at the Phonathon … we know where you live.
• Literally had the crap scared out of me. I was on the toilet about to do my thing, when BAM! Someone bursts though the door really loudly in a bathroom that had previously been empty. You do the math.
• My neighbor knocked on my door at 4 p.m. today and told me to be quiet because she was taking a nap. Now at 10 p.m. she is blasting a movie involving some variety of world war and it's way louder than I've ever been. Paybacks biotch I guess.
• There is nothing better than getting a Monopoly property that you didn't have from McDonalds. It makes your purchase almost seem worth it.
• Can someone please exterminate the abnormally large rats that pounce at me every night? I'm tired of walking through a vermin minefield.
• Really, AU? You decided based on the general reaction to WONK that a good next step would be to put ads for it on national TV? Really? I'm so glad I graduated a year ago and didn't have to be at AU during the beginning of the WONK ridiculousness.
• I graduated a year ago. I thought I'd have a real job — or at least a job — by now.
• To the boy who I sit next to in macroeconomics sometimes: when I asked you what the homework was and we made eye contact, I actually gasped. I think you're really cute. I like your soccer bag and you look like Obama. Want to be study buddies?
• Now that the lights in the Letts South elevator are working again, my secret fantasy of an illicit elevator makeout sesh is far less likely.
• Where the hell are the new Eagle Rants?
[Editor’s Note: We didn’t publish last week because of fall break.]
• I love when the people you wouldn't think would say hi to you, do say hi and it makes your day. Keep saying hi and smiling people, it can make the world go round.
• Dear classmate, I have a crush on you. I know your name but I am too shy to say hi. When I muster the courage to do so, you leave the class bloody fast! Till next time.
- Crushed girl
• I literally can't watch the Republican debates without thinking how much Romney reminds me of my abusive step-dad.
• Why did knee socks go out of style?
• Can Eagle Rants get a sister Web page where people post their anxieties and issues and then other people comment with words of affirmation and encouragement? I just can't take all the negativity in my life right now. I need someone to tell me it will all be OK.
[Editor’s Note: If you make it, they will come.]
• Dear bitchy roommate from freshman year. HA HA You're fat now. I win.
• I love all the Hitchhiker's Guide quotes here.
• Is the Panera on Wisconsin ever going to open? It’s almost soup weather!
• It's Wednesday. Where are the Rants?
• What is wrong with the new on-campus wireless? Four hours and 50KB/sec download speeds for a trial version of an Adobe program? Ridiculous! It's 2011, not 2002.
• Christ, my roommate is so incompetent. And if she didn't think of something clever or metaphorical, it's automatically "dumb.” … She probably doesn't even know what a metaphor is, based on how she reacts to them. THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY, YOU MORON.
• I see the Martin van Buren lookalike walking around campus on an almost daily basis and he's wearing a wife beater each time. Who is this guy?
• What fresh hell is this? No Eagle Rants so far this week = no fun so far this week
• I'm drowning and no one knows it.
• What happened to that nice ranter last year who would pick a ranter who was mad/sad and then say uplifting things to him/her? I miss that person. :(
• Can I use massage oil as lube?
• PLEASE — if your feet smell, DO NOT take your shoes off in class; I'm disgusted. Can't you smell your own nasty?
• Seriously, Eagle?! We're in the middle of midterms and it's taken you over a week to post new Rants?! You don't even have to write anything!
• To the boy with the amazingly hot accent who talked for the private sector in my SIS Gateway Simulation, you are sexy. I want you! Come find me!
Love,
Admiring in SIS
• Dear High School Drama Queen,
Grow up!
Sincerely,
Not in high school anymore
• Dear hot RA,
I love you from afar!
• Dear a cappella group that's currently singing outside the library. Shut the f*** up. Thanks.
• What is the point of AU Course Rank if it doesn't have the (already published) spring schedule? How am I supposed to use that tool, that student government pays for, to plan my classes?
• A bunch of awesome bands are playing on campus in the Tavern on Oct. 29; if you like awesome music played by attractive young gentlemen (and ladies!) and supporting local arts then come check it out! Costume contest! Hilarity will ensue! Enough time to party afterward as well!
• @Fake_SBronskill is the best thing to happen since @FakeNeil_Kerwin
• This Internet has reached a new low. Why, Eaglesecure? <.1mb really takes me seconds to download a freaking word document from blackboard.>
• Eagle Staff vacations, while justified, are not OK.
[Editor’s Note: Rude.]
• Dear boy at TDR who was mixing various cereals together,
Not only was that a good idea, but you are very attractive. My Fruit Loops/Rice Krispies cereal goes well together, and I bet we would too.
• That awkward moment where you get a joke in your class two minutes after it's been said.
• What was up with the plastic and Styrofoam in TDR? What happened to the American Dream? But really, what happened?
• WHERE MY RANTS?!
• Sometimes, I do my homework on the Beach just to try and sneak a peek at the Anderson president through his window.
• To whoever made the shout-out to the Anderson 5 biddies, we're glad you appreciate our efforts.
• I love seeing the president of Anderson at the gym. He looks so hot and manly. Total beach body.
• I'm in Letts but I wish I were in Anderson, solely so Nick Rangos could be my president.
• If Eagle Rants are going to be this long, I think we need a snack break written in the middle so remember to do something else with my life.
• Come on Wigley, we only rant about you because we love you. You’re one of the most reliable and caring people at this school and that's something worth celebrating.
• Dear PS,
Stop filling up my newsfeed on how you love #academia. We all know its not because you're smart. It’s because you sleep with anyone.
Much love,
Your FB Friends
• Is there anyone out there in the AURantverse that would go want to go with me to the D.R.U.G.S. concert on Nov. 14 in Silver Spring? All of my friends are lame and won't go with me …
• What is fall break? It's more like fall brief.
• I am at a really sketchy Holiday Inn.
Help …
• The man next to me on the plane took up the whole armrest, and then, to top it off, I couldn't even type my English paper.
• That awkward moment when you're on an airplane wondering why you can't hear your music playing from your headphones when it's really blasting out loud for everyone else.
• I really enjoy the Toilet Paper thing that is in the restroom stalls. It gives me something else to stare at besides the rape counseling thing.
• So it turns out that panting does get rid of hiccups.
• Buttery popcorn is such a lie
• Got it! Willie Nelson Day. That's the key.
• Where did all the hot men go?
• I pretended to have an Indian accent one night while I was getting ready for bed just to amuse my roommate.
• Halloween is the bomb!
• Masked Vigilante:
Your reply to me was a little confusing, if I'm keeping my eyes towards the rising sun wouldn't I be blinded and not able to see you? Please be more specific about our secret meeting places please.
- Hopeful Sidekick
• It's gotten to the point where it normal for me to flip out of a chair at least once in English class.
• I wish there was a Macaroni Grill near here, then everything would be okay.
• Is there a good place to wash cowboy boots here?
• Why do the library databases always tell me about articles that are perfect but simply don't exist?
• Professor: If you wonder why I don't participate in class, it's because I get laughed at when I ask questions, i.e., just now.
• OMG I'm at Phonathon and I have to poop so badly! Ahhhh.
• I always get gassy in elevators and it always gets awkward.
• Michelle Obama watches her daughters swim while Barack Obama causally ignores the fact that the American people are drowning!
• I wonder if anyone has posted about Chuck Testa …NOPE!!
• Was the autoplay option for the WONK ad on both the Eagle home page and the article page really necessary?
[Editor’s Note: Sorry about that. We’ve been trying to fix that, and now it shouldn’t autoplay.]
• Can someone please turn the AC in Tenley down? I'm really sick and evidently someone thinks its funny to have the hallway temperatures at -234928347 degrees. I am Canadian. I know what cold is.
• I screwed my sleep schedule so bad, it actually self-corrected. Go me!
• Dear AU
Please. Please stop pushing this stupid WONK advertising campaign. Every time I see an ad I die a little inside. You do know that "wonk" is a derogatory insult in Britain, right? And now you're putting TV ads in the Colbert Show? I think I'm going to go for a master's degree just so I don't have to say I graduated as a "wonk.”
- Brushing Mouth Out With Soap Just For Typing the Word
• New Wonk TV advertisement makes me feel like a University of Phoenix student.
• Ok, Eaglesecure … you don't let me log on to the Internet because my password expired, but I can't change my password unless I get online? It’s midterms week, give me a f***ing break.
• Can we just talk about how one of the characters from the kid's show author is called “muffy." #inappropriate
• WHY are the students who use the second floor library cubicles such disgusting slobs?! Every time I use one, I ALWAYS see pencil shavings and crumbs all over the desk! Are students here "too good" to clean up after themselves or something? I know I eat snacks here too, but at least I can make sure I leave my spot clean. Grow up and learn to not be such pigs!
• I want to party Friday but my parents are coming for the weekend … #collegestudentproblems
• To the elephant herd above me,
Really? Are your feet made of lead? Is the stomping at 2 in the morning really necessary? It'd be really appreciated if you'd stop jumping around your room like a kangaroo so my roommate and I could sleep. kthanks.
Sincerely, your disgruntled neighbors below
• Will someone please explain the publication schedule to me? I get so disappointed when the website's not updated and want to know when I can read new Eagle Rants!
[Editor’s Note: We publish every Tuesday unless the University is closed the weekend before, i.e., no issue after fall break, after MLK day, after Thanksgiving, etc.]
• Everyone complains about hipsters and no one even knows what a hipster actually is, they just complain about anyone even remotely artsy. Learn what hipsters are, AU.
Sincerely,
You'd probably call me a hipster.
• TDR, my bagel this morning was moldy. I will sue.
• Shout out goes to my N.J. roommate who went home two weekends in a row. Sadly, my man friend cancelled and couldn't come. Irony to the max.
• Happiness is having a boss that buys you Vietnamese spring rolls.
• Apparently AU wants the quad to smell like literal sh*t for parents' weekend!
• Wanted: a dog I could sometimes borrow and take for a walk and pretend was my dog.
(It would be real swell if The Eagle had a proper classified ads section.)
[Editor’s Note: If we had more classified ads, we could have a more “proper” section.]
Rant here!
