• I liked the new SG logo until it became everyone's new logo. I thought the KPU logo was historic or something?
• To the person who finds it absolutely necessary to hum loudly in the library — you are what is wrong with America. Please kindly remove yourself from my country. Also —you have a horrible inner ear.
• I've lost 45lbs since January and I still can't land a date. Seriously AU?
-Losing Weight on NorthSide
• I'm tired of friends that don't care enough to ask about you or invite you or defend you. I'm looking for loyal, good friends, who enjoy just hanging out in the honest and good company of each other. I'm looking for friends who fit the Harry-Ron-Hermione dynamic. If you're interested, let me know.
Sincerely,
Loyal Friend
• Come on Eaglesecure, step up your game! It's midterms week! I got crap to take care of, don't leave me out hanging here!
• The Tavern workers scare me.
• I used to think that all of the attention here on Student Government was cute, like a 4-year-old playing kitchen or pushing the little kid-cart next to mom at the grocery store. Now it's just obnoxious! "Chief of Staff"? Resigning? And it's "news"? One day you will look back on all of this and find it incredibly embarrassing.
• OK, so people can get into TDR without being swiped if they flirt with the people swiping? Not fair, not appropriate and totally happening every day.
• Plenty of AU students at McPherson Square with #OccupyDC. Come check out the nightly general assembly at 6 p.m.!
• I’ve seen all these New AU posters everywhere and I wish I knew how I could get involved! I wish we had student democracy on campus!
[Editor’s Note: You can newaucampaign@gmail.com.]
• Giving SG a pat on the back for Safe Space training is not front-page news. Either give us something substantive about SG beyond Rants about how McBride is dreamy or stop pretending that what they do actually matters.
• That awkward moment when instead of showing your ID at the front desk you show a condom, then promptly drop all of the others you grabbed at the Health Center.
• I asked my English teacher about the author of the book we're reading … turns out what I asked was like a whole chapter of the book. Now she knows that I didn't read it.
• If you're gonna ask a girl to lunch for the first time, don't pull out your laptop and ignore her. That is rude.
• Where are the good eats in Tenley? Please have a food critic!
• "Wanted: a nice, cute boy. We’ll spend our fall afternoons studying and cuddling together. We can drink tea and hot chocolate together, listen to classical music, have meaningful conversations and go to jazz clubs on weekends."
You have never been in a real relationship.
• I got an email from AU Central last week stating that I owed this lovely institution over $3k. WHAT. I just got an email 1hour ago saying that I am getting a $4k refund … whaaaat? #incompetency at its best. Yes I did just hashtag in an Eagle Rant.
• I'm so busy this year that I'm starting to drift away from some of my good friends I made last year … Is it bad that I don't care?
• I get that Eagle Rants is not a match-making service, but I'm a sorta normal guy compared to the rest of AU's selection, looking for the right girl. Wow, I'm lame.
• I hate that class where I speak up a lot and try to say smart things, yet I leave feeling like everyone just stares at me and thinks I'm dumb.
• I just submitted three Eagle Rants in a row, this is my fourth. My life is average.
• What are all these New AU Campaign posters everywhere? I see them everywhere … I'm down for Student Democracy, where can I sign up?
[Editor’s Note: See above.]
• Where's the college romance you see in movies?
I want it. Wahhh
• OK, so this year everyone is getting into relationships with other AU kids, and while I know that they either already failed, or will soon, and are shallow, I want one too!
-sincerely lonely in Centennial.
• You: wearing a sorority sweatshirt and having a super interesting conversation with your professor about feature articles and The Boston Globe in SIS on Monday 10/10. Me: trying to do my homework but distracted by your coolness. (What class are you in? It sounded SO good!) BTW: I know I'm a nerd.
• The day the McDonald's under the bridge closes is the day I drop out of this school. Say goodbye to my $55,000 a year AU, I refuse to be a part of an institution that will not endorse filling my stomach with delicious, grease-soaked atrocities.
• GBF major with a focus in fabulosity ;)
• So I'm graduating in December, and over the past few years I've developed a number of very innocent crushes here at AU. I am tempted to go up and confess to every one of them if I have the chance … NOT to get/hookup with them, but just to give them a little ego-boost :) ‘Cause hey, I doubt I'll see 'em again!
• Dear 4-a.m.-booty-caller, While I appreciate that you think enough of me to send me one of your ever so seductive "Hi" texts on a Sunday night, we have now entered midterm month, which means I will not be available to satisfy your needs any time soon. Also, I'd rather be reading about Iran-Contra than spending the usual 30 seconds in heaven with you.
• I literally don't understand Tim McBride and his Senate cronies. People should really attend the Senate meeting on Sundays to see what I'm talking about.
• Random dude who gave me a second floor capsule spot in the library and proceeded to also give me an epic fist pound for pwning homework: Rock on. You will conquer worlds.
• There was a rainbow ring around the moon tonight! Anyone else see that?
• To the person who asked about Chi Alpha, you don't need to "know" Jesus in order to be a part of our group. Show up to our Thursday Night Worship at 8:15 p.m. in Kay.
• Dear AU Central, Please do not stare at me as though I can read your mind. I have already signed into your stupid, fancy computer. You know why I am here. Don't play a game. This is your job. Either hand me my transcript or ask me what I want.
• Shopping for a Halloween costume is irritating. Especially when they are so blatantly sexist, two skittles costumes — the male one is worn over pants and a shirt and is square; the female one is low cut tight and short worn over nothing.
• "[Editor’s note: This doesn’t make any sense.]"
The only reason it didn't make sense was because you weren't the person from The Eagle I talked to about this.
Lonely On North side
• "Creeped out person": Fine. This is my last post as Lonely On Northside. F*** you "creeped out person". You don't even know me. If you even knew me in person you'd know I'm not a creepy person. And if for some reason you do, and you think I am creepy, that’s your fault. Not Mine. Go f*** yourself.
• My mom told me to stop eating so much McDonald's, so I got a new mom.
• To the person who said "nobody ever sees anybody again at this school": I am constantly avoiding eye contact with all the drunk frat boys I embarrass myself in front of on the weekends. Biddy it up while you're in college because you'll never get to live like this again.
• Is there some sort of cash prize for having the most Eagle Rants published? I have never not had a Rant make it to the paper/online, and I rant a lot. I'm just so damn witty. And poor. #cashprize
• My numb is face. #cashprize
• Wow. Just read the Letter to the Editor by Students for Israel. They appear quite similar to the Israeli government itself, in that both tend to dramatically overreact to perceived threats.
• I mean, I don't know anything about ATV, but wouldn't it make more sense to respond to an "upcoming program" after ATV started promoting said program? And that's assuming that anyone actually watches ATV.
• Hey, you with the cute facial hair. You should definitely think about being less busy next semester. And possibly spending more of that suddenly free time with me. You know I'm right.
• I've been waiting for three semesters to sign up for COMM-521 Opinion Writing. But is it finally going to be offered next spring? Nope! It's not. (It's just Chuck Testa.)
• To the Ranter who felt priced out of UPS, There is a post office on Wisconsin past Z-burger and Chipotle. It's a bit of a walk, but it may be worth it.
Sincerely,
Fellow broke college student with two jobs
• Why was my Rant about my Leo RA not posted? I am in love with him!
[Editor’s Note: It was probably painfully long, profane, really awkward or named the person.]
• I love that it's socially acceptable to sleep in the Mudbox. No shame.
• TDR Thief, I totally get it, having an honest job and working hard is tough. Balancing these things with an expensive school in an expensive city is also challenging. I know this because I've been doing it for the past five years or so. So please, don't feel awkward about stealing my wallet and making me buy over $100 of new keys. It’s totally understandable.
?[Editor’s Note: Ouch. We at The Eagle suggest that said TDR thief leaves an anonymous gift of $100 under said victim’s door. That’s fair, right?]
• Dear floormate and good friend, In a perfect world, I would be madly in love with you. But sadly I'm not. Any girl would be obscenely lucky to watch the Notebook with you. :)
- Girl who knows a nice guy when she sees one
• To Miss Lonely Lesbian, No you are not alone. There are quite a few lesbians on campus. Most of us just have a penis. Please don't give up hope. I know there is someone for you.
Sincerely,
Woman in a mans body
• Bunnies procreate
• An AU threesome can go several ways. There is the mmf, ffm, fff, mmm, tmm, ttm, ttf, ttt and tmf. Any questions?
• Dear Paranoid, Republicans are people too. You have nothing to fear. Besides, they don't shoot people … except for their friends. If you are a nuisance then they will just black bag you and stick Jesus down your throat
• All I want is to get arrested! #OccupyDC
• What I am: Cute, nice, smart, and shy junior girl. Straight, single and looking.
•Wanted: Dorky, attractive boy who is smart, kind, funny and genuine. Must run around the city with me some nights and spend others cuddling with me in my bed, watching a movie. Is that so much to ask for?
• Do you guys really need to publish EVERY SINGLE RANT that comes your way?
THIS:
"Haha …
hahahahahahaha
hehehe
hichichic
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I wannnnna go homeee and seee my doggggieee"
IS NOT A RANT. It's … I don't know what it is, except for annoying.
[Editor’s Note: Next time I won’t publish yours.]
• Ooh eee ooh aah aah ting tang walla walla bing bang.
• This isn't working for me. Do you even want to be friends? If I'm asking that, does that mean the answer is "no"?
• I AM THE EAGLE RANT PIMP!
• Honest Tea tastes like dirt. Snapple tastes like Heaven.
Switching the two tastes like nepotism.
Coca-Cola owns 40 percent of and distribution rights to Honest Tea.
Dr. Pepper owns/distributes Snapple.
Which one pays to sponsor our athletics?
• To the Ranters who keep bashing smokers: I want to take up smoking just so I'm no longer on your side of the argument. Hate me.
• Swiper-breakers forever.
• Can someone please explain what a biddy is? I would really appreciate it.
- A Southerner/Urban Dictionary is Too Vague
• Feeling Old When On Campus …
-AU Senior
• Hey newsflash, I don't want to hook up with you anymore. Get the hint.
• AU has a place for lonely people to meet up. It's called Student Government.
• As a member of Greek Life and a Douglas Adams fan, you have saddened me mildly. I think it was a fine move, and I’d like to be able to prove that to you sometime.
• I hope the guy next to me doesn't mind me eating in the library.
• I don't see the motivation in submitting perverted sexual comments in Eagle Rants. Speaking your mind is one thing, but perhaps personal censorship should be adhered.
- Clearly More Mature Than YOU.
• But seriously, Eagle Rants are the only thing keeping this paper in circulation.
• Cuchina Verde FTW.
• Why does everything have to be political, why can't we just have a dog lovers club? Anyone else want a dog lovers club?
• I just realized that none of the Class of 2015 will ever be able to know how amazing the Eagle's Nest used to be.
- Sonya forever.
• When I think too hard it makes it worse.
• AU Threesome graduated.
• @"Strange heterosexual male junior"
I totally get you; I'm an asexual female. Abstinence unite!
• Dear Dav,
I love your coffee, your music selections, your super cool/super friendly employees. What I don't like? Having to pencil in like 20 minutes if I want a coffee before class. Twenty super awkward minutes getting bumped by girls' huge bags while wondering where I won't be in someone's way while being close enough to pounce if someone else tries to take my raspberry chai first. Just saying.
• Throw a shoe … at me!?!? Who throws a shoe … honestly? In fact, if you throw a shoe at me, it will boomerang and smack ya right in the mouth. Pacifism ruuullleeessss biiatch! Get used to it.
• I'm seriously in love with AU's Masked Vigilante. Considering that the role of Side Kick has been called, can I be your evil yet seductive arch villainess?
• Today I saw Tim McBride come out of the closet door on the Quad. :)
• @A strange heterosexual male junior,
Nope, you're not the only person here who believes in abstinence for non-religious reasons. Personally I find a man's commitment to long-term relationships very attractive, but I'm afraid I'm in the minority (at least while I'm still in college).
- Female senior
• There's a guy in my HFIT class who wears cute glasses and looks like a blond Clark Kent. I'd love to be his Lois Lane.
• I'd like to lose my virginity by June 2012 (don’t ask why) but I don't want to lower my standards either. What's a girl to do? … or WHO???
• I wish I had an Appa to get to and from classes instead of my boring ol' daily commute.
Bonus: Flying bison aren't aircraft so it wouldn't matter that D.C.'s a no-fly zone.
• Distraaaaaaaaakshuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!!!!!!
• Roommate — screw off dude.
Stop telling me how to run my life every opportunity you get. We're clearly different people, so your priorities and way of thinking differs from mine. Also, you do most of the things you point out as my flaws … seriously.
• I often pass the Amphitheater and wish I could be doing work out in the sun on one of the season's last beautiful, warm days. Then I remember I'm a science major and therefore destined to be stuck inside windowless rooms for hours on end, doing homework and running labs.
• I stress eat and eat mindlessly. Is this an I’m-in-college thing or is it going to develop into a real eating disorder?
• KINCHYLE! MacBean clan 4evr.
• To the person who said all the attractive girls are in sororities: I resent that! As an attractive girl not in a sorority with many attractive, nice, girl friends that are also not in sororities and are looking for nice boys, you must be looking in the wrong places!
• Dear, Senior male-virgin
Thank you for making me feel better about myself.
Sincerely, Sophomore male-virgin
P.S. With all the rants on loneliness and virginity, it sounds like people could get a friends with benefits system going
• Goonie goo goo.
• To whomever just made the Hitchhiker's reference about Student Government, you are brilliant! But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laughed with you, cried with you or kissed you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.
• Hot Pockets are the new Easy Mac.
• "To the guy in my Understanding Media class who has black-rimmed glasses and resembles Clark Kent. Please talk to me, I would like to introduce myself to you."
Don't we all wish for such things?
- A girl in your Understanding Media class
• I'm socially awkward and I would never start up a conversation with you. So just ask me about the weather or something, OK? Then we can be friends.
- The girl you're always staring at
• I just downloaded the Sims 3 Create-a-pet demo. (This isn't a complaint.)
• Hi editor.
I like your font size.
• RE: There is an overpopulation of gingers on campus. I've thought that for 4 years!!
• @Do we even have cheerleaders? Is this really a college?
They exist. And so does the dance team.
• Dear Frustrated South Sider.
All of the nice, funny, smart, cute girls have boyfriends at other schools because they're nice, smart, funny and cute. But seriously, as a fellow straight male, the ratio at AU is in our favor. Heavily in our favor. Compared to the real world, this is a magical fairyland of pretty, desperate girls. Keep trying, or maybe write a "lonely on ____ side" rant — they always get an enthusiastic response.
- Not lonely, but enjoying the attention
• Dear person in Understanding Media who is looking to talk to the guy with dark rimmed glasses who is told that he looks like Clark Kent — it may be me. If you have Fahy's class on Tuesdays and Fridays, come talk to me after class on Tuesday. I'd love for you to introduce yourself.
• Girls named Cässie are hot. Especially the psych major girls named Cässie.
• I need a girl to date me. I'm respectful and nice. I can provide character references. I have friends. I want to love someone. I wear polo shirts. Please find me.
• AUSFI: not sure if trolling or just stupid.
• I don't always shy away from a debate, but when I do, I bitch about it in The Eagle.
• Why do all of my friends end up transferring?
• Might I take you to dinner, Madam Editor?
[Editor’s Note: Are you a murderer, thief or rapist or do you have any other criminal inclinations?]
• I may not have played football in high school, but I've always wanted to be a linemen. Is that good enough?
• I'm a warm and cuddly male who loves to hug, cuddle and chat. I'm also not awkward! I guess I'll meet you on the Quad on Tuesday then.
• I've Ranted and Ranted about this but I get no love thanks to lonely people on either side of campus, can't you editors spread the live around? … But to the boy who I always see in TDR wearing a British flag hat, Can I have yo numbah ;P
• Oh, I forgot to add this to my last Rant about hugging and cuddling, but that Oxford comma was just for you, madam editor.
[Editor’s Note: Not so much appreciated.]
• Excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't blaring music through your headphones on the 2nd floor of the library somewhat defeat the purpose of being there? It's just a, you know, … thought.
• I hate the way the government talks down on compassionate liberalism. Got chided by a war hawk the other day, luckily M. Governa was there to really help me out … great guy
• The Gov'na is probably the most hippie/liberal person I've ever met on this campus … and that's saying something …
• Got my GF stolen from me by DRoss … thanks dude …
• @Jerks who troll on the AU Shuttle, hope you had your ass handed to you by the Stallion Governa … you had what was coming to you.
#justice
• Really wish the police blotter would come back so that news of Governa's extension of justice could reach all of AU.
#superliberalgoverna
• Never forget the AU Shuttle battle!
• Pretty sure everyone on this campus knows about the glory that is DRoss from that epic catch on the Quad … nice DRoss.
[Editor’s Note: First James Wigley, now DRoss. Who is this DRoss???]
• I agree with last week's ranter. Please don't post 300 Rants once a week. Please post them each day in less insanely large amounts. If there were 300 Rants this last week, then that would be 40 per day. Much more reasonable. And I think it would increase your readership.
Thanks for considering.
• This year's Eagle Rants editor is much more snarky and annoying than last year's. Just sayin’.
[Editor’s Note: Charlie Szold would be so disappointed to know he has lost the throne of snarkiness.]
• To the person saying he/she wants to transfer out and who keeps complaining on Eagle Rants: AU is regularly ranked on the list of having the happiest students of any college in the country. And D.C. is ranked the best college town. If you are not happy at AU, then sorry to say you will not be happy anywhere. Sucks to be you.
• Dear last week's ranter who dissed awkward people, Why the hate? #awkwardpeopleunite
• Actually I'm not crazy for turning down GW, UCLA, UW, WashU, NYU and UI for AU. AU has the top international relations program in the country, is located in the coolest city on earth, and has a quaint and homey campus. #sohappyicametoau
• @person scared of stealing someone's imaginary seat: I got called a bitch last year for sitting in a girl's imaginary assigned seat. It was brutal. Beware.
• @last week's "Disney Land" ranter:
1) It's "Disneyland" not "Disney Land.”
2) Google the Disney College Program.
• Sex has become like a chore to me. Anyone know of a good blog or website with tips to spice things up?
• Every time I get out of the elevator in my dorm I am confronted with the general posting board and the same head-height Chi Alpha sheet. Your name looks so much like chalupa to me that I am constantly hungry. Just thought you should know.
• North Side Sax man is a poser until he gets the flashy red pants and suspenders. Just sayin'.
• Lets spread our message from South side to North side to … yeah.
#occupynorthwestdc
• Dear Eaglesecure,
You suck.
Sincerely,
Everyone
• Hey (insert creative expletive)-wad,
Take your oversized headphones off when ordering food at Subway. You already look like a douche, you don't need to act like one also.
Thanks,
Common Courtesy
• What is with all of the guys ranting about not being able to find a girlfriend? You are outnumbered almost 2/1 on campus and you live in a city of over half a million. Grow a pair and stop whining in that weak ass soprano.
• IT'S RAININ' MEN! HALLELUJAH!
• 9-9-9. 'Nuff said.
• To those using the Fist for their "A New AU" campaign. You never lived the life!
• The moral of this story is: you can't trust the system! Man!
• Dear library,
The silent floor is straight up creepy.
• Dear freshmen,
It's been over a month and a half since you got here. Can any of you hold a conversation without talking about "where I come from …"?
#noonecares
• To my roommate,
When I text you that I'm bringing a girl back to our room, it isn't so you can meet her. #awkward
• Am I the only person/male who believes in abstinence for non-religious reasons?
- Yes
• Moon rainbow on the Quad!
- I blame the Russians.
• I keep hitting my elbow on the doorknobs here, I’m wondering if there‘s a way to fix this.
- Taller shoes
• There is an overpopulation of gingers on campus.
- They will become extinct if they don't stick together. It is a recessive gene.
Love,
Your Neighborhood Gleek
• To that random guy singing and dancing coming out of Eagle's Nest at 1 a.m.: ballin’.
• Looking good with that infographic in the crime reports story, Eagle! High five.
[Editor’s Note: Thanks! Our design editor high fives you back.]
• To the Republican who thought that he/she might get shot if they spoke out, we're all far too progressive to be wielding guns. Expect disapproving looks.
• Didn't realize Students for Israel had no spine.
• Oh those awkward moments when you unload someone else's laundry to use the machine and it's filled with the girl's panties and bras.
• So we get new shower curtains in Letts yet they don't actually clean the showers. Gotta love AU.
• @possibly depressed: AU has free counseling! Second floor of MGC, walk past the elevators and turn right, it’s on the end. They are very nice people and can make you feel better. I know because they helped me. Good luck!
• @nice, attractive boy who thinks sorority girls won't give him the time of day. I would! Don't assume we are all the same. Some of us join a sorority for real friends and can see through the fake. Please don't stereotype us.
• Re: Are there no lesbians on this campus??? Am I alone here???
HONEY. AU has so many lesbians. All the lesbians! Come to a QWAC meeting!
• @possible transfer: greek life represents 25% of the AU student body! Yes it can be said you can go to AU and completely ignore greek life if you want, but consider going through recruitment. We really are good people who do a lot for AU and the community. Maybe admissions doesn't talk about us, but we are here and we are proud to be greek.
• Any other redheads think we need to demand more respect on this campus?
• Leonard blows. Everyone’s so weird
• Are the rants not edited anymore? There's too many that suck — either limit the number of Rants freshmen can submit or use your news judgment. (Has SOC taught you nothing? — wait, don't answer that)
[Editor’s Note: We can’t really apply news judgment to something that’s not news …]
• The one downside to the Sudoku in The Eagle: reintroducing me to that horrible frustrated feeling when you realize you screwed up and can't figure out where.
• Three dead people, two people with problems with AU education. Just a typical night at the Phonathon.
• Wait, so Herman Cain is an epic troll right?
• Anyone interested in Christian Metalcore and wanna see The Devil Wears Prada, Enter Shikari, For Today and Whitechapel in December?
• Why can't fall break be at least longer than three days? I got a four-day break at home for basically no reason, soooo come on AU.
• Hell yes to the posting of club sports scores and info! The Women's Rugby Team has had an undefeated season thus far and has been KICK ASS. Show these ladies some lovin'.
• TDR should do theme nights more often.
• Dear AU,
Stop trying to make WONK happen.
Sincerely,
A Grad Student
• Overheard in Hughes Hall:
"So, did you ever have, when you were, like, really young, that, like, hot lifeguard guy who your mom always talked to … about you?"
"… no."
"… … well, I did, and —"
• I wonder if a club for bronies would get any members. It would make our university 20 percent cooler.
• I can't figure out if the person whose Eant is addressed to "L" was talking about a real person or the detective from Death Note. And it's bothering me more than it should.
• @ They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard!
I love you. Also. What's taters, precious? What's taters, eh?
• I'm pretty sure the kind of guys I'm interested in will never be interested in me …
• Nothing is True, Everything is Permitted.
• With the Oxford comma:
We invited the strippers, Neil Kerwin, and Obama.
Without the Oxford comma:
We invited the strippers, Neil Kerwin and Obama.
• All of these supposedly cute guys and gals who are looking for each other should have an anonymous place and time to meet, broadcasted on all social media networks.
• Have you seen The Truth?
• When I thought Tim McBride had emailed me personally, I swooned.
• Why does AU tell ROTC cadets that they can use the facilities and then turn around and say no in the same breath?!
• Dear fellow Texans,
I love you all. Go Rangers!
- Proud Texan
• Ginger jokes make me sad inside … you wouldn't say those things about a racial group, would you? Love usssssss, we're human too!
• My love of Assassin's Creed actually helped me on my latest Arabic test. And they say video games aren't educational …
• Dear AU,
Seriously, what is up with the rats? I heard about it last semester and laughed it off but I have seen like five in the past two weeks.
At least they're kind of cuter than the ones I'm used to in Baltimore.
Sincerely,
Still Pretty Freaked About That Many Rats
• This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, Larry!
• I'm so bored in English class … I'm in right now
• What is the AU definition of a "biddie?" So far I've heard;
1. constantly inebriated freshman girls
2. dumb, stuck-up b**ches
3. booty calls/very loose women
and
4. simply being a freshman girl makes you a biddie
- Am I a biddie?
• Abolish the SG, give the savings to the club council and let federalism work. Seriously, what would we lose?
Rant here!
