Rant here!
• How about AU gets its act together and gets Lady Gaga here. If Rutgers can waste money having Snooki speak at graduation, we can certainly have her here. It would be better than We The Kings.
• Is it sad that my days abroad consist of checking The Eagle website for Eagle Rants? I just have no sense of time here and want my little piece of AU …
• This past weekend has been ballin'. Predictor for the rest of the semester?
• To the person who stole my giant bag of Cinnamon Toast Crunch from TDR-Mart: You better watch yourself.
• Wanna get involved in Student Government, but all the potions have been filled before I arrived. Prez McBride seems to want diversity except when it comes to freshmen.
• "[EDITOR’S NOTE: Check out our 9/11 content in today’s issue of The Eagle.]"
I LOVE MY EDITOR IN CHIEF.
• Why is it that guys dump nice, cute girls for ugly sluts? Smh.
• Dear Every Loud Person on the Silent Floor,
Does the word "silent" mean anything to you? Not appreciating the laughing and full on conversations. Don't you have a truckload of homework to do like the rest of AU?
Sincerely,
Actually trying to study
• I'm doing the online training for Student Activities and apparently writing "ASAP" on any form means "You're cool with the fact that SA will get to it when they get to it." #AUlogic
• How do I find people who want to go clubbing?
• Mikey, I don't know who you are, but I vow to take away your obscene amounts of mayorships around AU from you on foursquare.
• WONK can die in a miserable fire of hate and despair. The person who came up with that campaign should be made to watch nothing but C-SPAN3 (not 1 or 2).
• Eaglesecure is a complete and total disaster. Let me go back to entering my password every time I use the Internet, I DO NOT CARE as long as I don't get shut out for hours on end with no explanation. This is ridiculous. Do we even have an OIT department or is that just a webpage?
• The Eagle, why can't we comment on Rants anymore?
• Correct me if I'm wrong, but the point of being a "hipster" is to be a counterpoint to mainstream culture. Why is it that I saw a "hipster" today with a Coach handbag, an iPod and name-brand headphones? Seriously, you're not even trying anymore. Freshmen suck at everything.
• What ever happened to Alex Knepper? I heard he joined the military. Can anyone confirm this?
• Wanted: One male student. Must be tall, of an athletic build and clean-shaven. Must be good at math, nice and funny. Must be willing to take my flower. That is all.
• Everyone hating on Tim McBride … STFU. The guy is awesome, nice and have you noticed, HE IS EVERYWHERE! Get off your laptop and say hi to him and you will agree.
• What's up with all the discontent with McBride? He seems kind, thoughtful and much more approachable than Bronstein. Plus, he is much cuter in a suit.
• Kids who carry mugs around campus … nah.
• My Jew-dar needs to be recalibrated …
• F***!!!! I didn't mean I was going to wear the cyan shirt every day … :( And I couldn't even comment at the bottom of the Eagle Rants to change that. Thanks!
• To the ranter at American pursuing her MRS degree, my advice for you is to transfer out of American because the majority of the student body is going to be broke with their worthless SIS degree working at some non-profit. Sorry SIS students, but you all cannot get that ambassador job.
• The quick take on the American Jobs Act says that the bill has a plan to reform education and that the plan is to provide $30 billion to deteriorating schools. While functional facilities are very important, this is not education reform. Teacher unions and the public monopoly on education must be addressed for real reforms.
• There's gum stuck on the underside of my desk and I want to remove it. Problem is, I'm too afraid to touch it. #Catch-22.
• AUSG should have a weekly column where members talk about what they are actually doing. Let's see some transparency and open communication with the student body. Enough pointless ego boosting. Get AU to create a website to show how they spend our tuition dollars!
• It's too bad that all our fall sports teams are losing like crazy. They're actually pretty good, and I feel like it's scaring away a lot of people from future games.
• Why the hell would anyone want to rush EI? I am not going to be interested in you if you are wearing EI gear. Come on, really?
• Christ, my roommate is so incompetent.
• I posted my first Rant as an Eagle this time last year. It read: "I haven't had sex in the Library and it's always been a fantasy of mine … who's down?" or something along those lines. Depressingly so, this fantasy has not been fulfilled. My list also grew this year: in a laundry room, the amphitheater, somewhere in MGC and the elevator in Bender. Who wants to partake in this sexcapade? Post-sex cuddling not necessary.
- (still) horny on Northside
• Every time I see you, you look upset or you're crying. You're beautiful, and it kills me to see you look so upset. Please be happy! Plus, you have the bluest, most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen.
• My roommates and I went out of our way to live in an apartment not infested with college students (Alban Towers). But since the start of the semester more and more of them are living there. I walk a mile to campus every day so I don't have to see/hear drunk biddies/bros every night … yet what do I find in the lobby? Some chick nearly passed out with a Solo cup. Seriously? Looks like it's time to move.
• I thought Jane Goodall came to talk about how to effectively communicate with AUCentral (which has to be run my chimps), but apparently it was a talk on world peace instead.
• To everyone who doesn't know about the network drive, VPN-ing and how to not get viruses. You're all dumb.
• Dearest Facebook, whom I loathe,
Why would I ever want a live news feed directly adjacent to my live news feed? That makes about as much sense as a snowball melting in the Antarctic. It actually somehow manages to make LESS sense than our Congress.
• Facebook, if you keep messing your crap up, I WILL END YOU. This is a promise.
• Dear AU Masked Vigilante,
Finally spotted you across the Quad late last Saturday night. Keep protecting students. You're the hero this campus needs.
- An admirer
• What's with the ever-elusive equestrian team? I've heard it exists, but I can't find it at any fairs or on any bulletin boards. How do I join? Is there an info meeting? Do I have to be experienced? Does this team actually exist?
- Sincerely, An Empty Saddle Awaits.
• You're the hero AU deserves but not the one it needs right now. You're a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight.
• SPA Leadership is a cult.
• "The Berks isn’t a dorm. Stop treating it like one."
Oh my. Somebody did NOT do their homework before renting their apartment.
• THE BLOTTER MUST FLOW. HE WHO CONTROLS THE BLOTTER CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE.
• Where can a girl get an outfit that matches the seats on the AU shuttles?
• It takes me longer to ride the escalator at the Tenley Metro than it takes my bf to come. Lame.
• So Wells Fargo Bank is new to D.C. this month, which is great, because before the only national banks we had were Capital One, Bank of America, Citi, HSBC, Chase and PNC. Finally, a choice!
• I think it's discriminatory that you're not allowed to hand write and mail in Eagle Rants. What am I supposed to do, buy a computer? Yeah right!
[Editor’s Note: Umm, if you really want to submit a handwritten Rant, you can drop it off in the hanging folders outside MGC 252. No promises we won’t do handwriting analyses and discover your true identity, though.]
• I'm not actually a student at AU but I moved to Washington recently and I've been taking the AU shuttle everyday. I sum up my impressions of your student body with an old Simpsons line: what a shame, not a looker in the bunch.
• Re: "The Berks isn't a dorm." Are you kidding? If you're such a "real person" with "jobs/responsibilities" why would you choose to live in the Berks? Comedy option: you are 70 years old and own a unit (i.e., condo) in the Berks, in which case I feel sorry for you. P.S. I don't live in the Berks.
• You know what's awkward? Riding in elevators full of people. Who should leave the elevator first when everyone's lined against the walls? Should it just be a free-for-all race to the door? Or perhaps we should awkwardly wait for someone else to move first instead. Elevators, why you no have set etiquette?!
• Why doesn't the Eagle have any pictures?! My high school newspaper made us have a picture with all of our articles for it to go into the paper. Think about how much more substance it will bring the articles and possibly attract more readers if the pictures are good.
• Eaglesecure is much better than the Internet in previous years, I don't understand all the hate … It does take too long in the Library though.
• Dear AU,
Thanks for blocking the path to the Library. Now when it rains a big puddle of water gets stuck outside the Library and I cannot jump over it!
Regards,
Mr. Wet Shoes
• Please stop 'ranting' about the colleges you passed over in order to come to AU — Rants are anonymous, you're not impressing anyone and you're making it seem like all AU students are pretentious d-bags. That's only 95 percent true.
• Don't get me wrong, I love being abroad and all, but reading the Rants makes me fall even more in love with AU and glance towards my calendar longingly at Jan. 17. Because these people from other schools just aren't living up to the fabulous people at AU.
• As an alum, Eagle Rants are the only thing keeping me tied to AU. Not that I'm donating anytime soon, but they're probably helping future phonathoners in other ways should I become rich.
• Student Government. Need I say more.
• Dear Peeping Tom Wonk,
Join the party!
-Exhibitionists in McDowell
• Re: "Seeking Cake"
This was a triumph! I doubt The Eagle will let me post my room number, but feel free to come looking for the room on the second floor with cake on the door.
• Of all the words of Mice and Men, the saddest are "James Wigley."
• This school would be nothing without James Wigley. Why is there only one of him, it just doesn't make sense.
[Editor’s Note: Who is this James Wigley? We want to be in on the joke …]
• To the Hoards of countless SPA douschebags in suits … you are 19-years-old. Stop acting like you are 30. And try to be interesting enough to at least hold a normal conversation about something other than politics.
• Could we please get some sanitary disposal cans in the women's bathroom stalls in the dorms?
• Dear AU,
It's not like I wanted friends or anything.
Sincerely,
A freshman that wants to transfer
• If you only knew I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I'd lose you.
• Can we have one of those parties where people write messages in the dark on a wall? And then when the lights come on everyone can see what other people wrote but not who wrote it? I'm tired of toga parties. Let's get creative people.
• Every weekday I tell myself I will totally devote a ton of time to homework on the weekend. And then every weekend I tell myself I will do the same thing during weekdays. This becomes a major problem. Help?
• Yay for Palestinian statehood. End the occupation and oppression!
• I'm worried I'm going down the wrong path, but I don't know how to turn around …
• What is the best way to show love to a long distance boyfriend? I love him so much, and I don't want to lose him. Advice?
• Dear Phonathon people: I am recent alum of 2011 and I have yet to get any calls from AU Phonathon people. Why is this?
- not feelin’ the love
• 79 days until I get engaged!
• Help! I can't escape from neurotic people!
• Dear Lonely on North side and Lonely in South side. I am with out a doubt lonelier than you.
• Why are there mosquitoes here? There are mosquitoes in Africa; why are there mosquitoes here?
• Thank you Tim McBride for writing the only halfway decent things about yourself on this site.
• I can't believe I go to a school that doesn't appreciate Diet Raspberry Snapple. The supply and demand are obviously off balance here, because every time I go to Eagle's Nest for this delicious nectar from the gods, it's nowhere to be found! SINCE WHEN DID REPLACING DIET RASPBERRY SNAPPLE WITH VITAMIN WATER BECOME OKAY? #snapplesubculture
• Thanks Eagle Editor. This is my second Eagle rant btw. I submitted one before. Thanks for pointing out that I had said I'd be wearing a cyan shirt and plaid shorts. As it turns out, I did not wear those two articles of clothing at all this week. One because it rained a lot. And two, because you made me feel like an idiot. I obviously did not mean "I will be wearing a cyan shirt and plaid shorts EVERY DAY." Unless of course you're a person who isn't very clean or does not follow basic hygiene practices like wearing fresh clothing, taking a bath, brushing your teach, etc. And I wasn't even able to correct myself on the comments at the bottom of the page. Because the comments have been "closed" since you (The Eagle) posted the Rants. So thank you. I really wanted to meet this Lonely On South side person. But sadly, you (The Eagle) scared me off, and possibly made Lonely on South side think of me (Lonely on North side) as an idiot. Thank you. And God speed.
Lonely on Northside
[Editor’s Note: Uh, apologies? We were just curious if you were going to wear the same outfit every day. We sincerely hope you Lonelies get together. God speed!]
• Dear Blackboard:
I don't know where you got your IT and customer service training, but telling me to download Google Chrome to view my course content is not IT advice, nor is it good customer service.
Sincerely
Safari is good enough for me, and I don't want to contribute to Google's evil empire
• @looking for a non cult group: You could always join the Methodists! The only time we ever appear cultish is when we discuss Star Wars and the only person we hate/judge is George Lucas for tinkering with our beloved trilogy.
• I took my clothes out of my dryer, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that they were dry and not on fire. Huzzah!
• Damn you kid with the Tav Chick Fingers in my religion class. I can't concentrate at all and I'm the TA. Why did you have to choose the Honey Mustard dipping sauce? Why!!!
• When will all of these student elections be over? It's not like any of them really matter anyway.
• I could handle the cuddling. I could handle the sleepovers. But spreading ICING on each other just doesn't fly with me. At least keep it classy and use Hershey's syrup … #roommatedrama
• I'm beginning to wonder if professors write confusing essay prompts just so that someone will come and visit them during those dull office hours.
• Bring Back the Blotter Campaign meets every day on Eagle Rants. Bring your slogans.
[Editor’s Note: We love you.]
• I finally found a worse Internet service then AU's, but I had to go into the middle of nowhere to find it. (Not kidding). Seriously, the Internet keeps logging me out and keeps requesting I download the same software REPEATEDLY. We switched Internet providers to get … a worse Internet provider?
• Hey McDowell Hall couple that likes to "have fun" with the blinds open and the lights on, next time shut your curtains so all of Leo won't see you doing it from the parking lot when the fire alarm goes off.
• I'm procrastinating right now …
• Why is it so humid here? It's a joke and half that I can't get to Georgetown without becoming a sweaty mess.
• Yo. Keep your private life private. Nobody but your partner needs to know you're cummings and goings. Use your boyfriend’s apartment. Exhibitionism is not winning you friends.
• WHY DO THESE WALLS HATE ME? HONESTLY I JUST WANT MY MAGNET BOARD TO STAY ATTACHED TO THE WALL.
• Another fire alarm? Really? Even if I was procrastinating, I could have gotten a lot of useless stuff done, but instead I was getting bitten by bugs. All because some tool doesn't know where the popcorn button is on the microwave.
• Do you know how hard it was to find where to Rant? It's rantworthy.
• AU Library computers, why are you slower than you were four years ago?
• Gazing into my lukewarm, foam-less, chunky, dry powder-filled hot chocolate, I find myself fervently wishing that the Dav had a resident Frasier or Niles Crane who could eviscerate the servers with all the nitpicky, snooty, devastatingly withering coffee-related criticisms that I am too embarrassed to voice.
• So um, if I missed the past three weeks' worth of Eagle Rants, where can I find ALL them (i.e. the "print-only" ones)?
[Editor’s Note: Check out http://issuu.com/theeagle for interactive PDFs of our past issues.]
• Unpopular opinion: I actually prefer this year's Eaglesecure over last year's "must-log-into-NAC-Agent-and-rage-when-NAC-Agent-DOESN'T-pop-up-every-time-you-turn-on-your-laptop" Internet.
• I think we need a dating/friends-finding site for AU. I'd definitely sign up to meet other non-partiers.
• 2FIX may have taken it's sweet time making my window so water doesn't come in when it rains (read: three-and-a-half weeks), but I do appreciate the lovely attitude of the numerous people I spoke to and the technician who didn't technically help at all, but did talk to me about my life plan for 10 minutes. THANK YOU (for that. And finally fixing my window.)
• Where are all of the people who like physics at AU? I want physics friends.
• I respect your two cents; simply consider this in return. Be honest, when's the last time you heard any AU student refer to the Davenport as anything other than the "Dav"? If we are all too lazy to say three syllables, why is there a sudden distinction for two syllables? Why then can't we have the Dav AND the Tav? See, I like it because it's cute, it rhymes, and it's quicker to text. But call it what you will.
-Sally Student
• Oh Library, don't be that way. I was just disappointed that I did not receive any warning that you would be closed for Labor Day. And, judging from the number of people I watched walk up and try the doors that day, no one else did either. But I still hope you all enjoyed your day off; I have nothing against the federal holiday.
Maybe a little love,
Sally Student
• Dear person sitting at the Library, I understand that you need to spit, but do you really have to do it every few minutes in your red bull can. That's gross.
• Dear jerks who keep breaking the elevators in McDowell,
I know it's hard to contain yourself when you're fall down drunk on a Friday, Saturday or Tuesday night, but please, try not to break the card readers on the elevators. I mean, really, how hard it is it to walk into an elevator drunk and NOT VANDALIZE IT? You may laugh about it with your super cool frat bros and get pats on the back and high fives, but the rest of us, who have to help PAY FOR IT, it's not as funny. It’s not even appreciated. So the next time you get drunk, take the stairs and save us all the $260 it takes to fix the damn elevators.
Thanks,
Frustrated McDowell resident who's sick of shelling out more money for what you vandalize.
