To the immature idiots who whine and cry when someone sits in their NON-ASSIGNED seat during class one day: I promise you, there are no magical chairs. Each chair provides the same tushy support. You will not die if you have to sit in a different location of class one day. Get there earlier next time if you want better seat selection options. Otherwise, get a life and focus on REAL problems in the world. You make me sick.
Girls complaining about guys here at AU:?Most of you aren't that great either. Go to the gym maybe?
Can we start a petition against wonk or something? Every time I see a new sign I'm even more embarrassed that our university spent millions of dollars on the campaign.
Dear Honors Professors,?Please stop assuming that all honors students know each other and live/study together.?Sincerely,?The odd one out for pretty much all group work because I don't live in Hughes or Anderson.
Re: Why is it snowing in April? Screw this. Bring on the global warming.?Dumbass, it's snowing in April BECAUSE of global warming, AKA climate change.
I really hate that the library flashes the lights at 11:45 and midnight. I know it's supposed to be a helpful reminder but really it just makes me angry that it is midnight. I KNOW it's midnight and I'd rather not be in the library and I definitely do not need to be reminded.
The Eagle needs better writers. These stories are terrible. That is all …
When the hell are commencement speakers going to be announced? I've done my research and they have almost always been known by this point in the month for past years. COME ON AU, I WANT TO GET PUMPED!
Dear Eagle,?Can we PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE have Eagle Rants each week over the summer? People can rant about their jobs, internships, study abroad programs, summer classes, annoying families, etc. I promise to be a loyal ranter. I don't think I can go all summer without rants!?Thank you.
Funny how the people hacking up a lung in class are always the smokers.?Smokers: Maybe if you didn't smoke and destroy your immune system, you wouldn't get sick so often. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you.
This is actually a nice rant … to the frat guys who helped me pick up my stuff when your football accidentally flew towards my table: thank you! I had a really bad conception of frats before and you actually dispelled my stereotype. Not all of you are douche-y, I guess.
Senioritis is hitting me bad. I am watching like seven hours of TV a day and spending like zero to 10 minutes a day on homework. This is bad. Help? …
Four more law schools to hear from. Now if they could only get here before I have to pay a nonrefundable $500 at a safety school I don't want to go to. That would be swell.
Why are my parents paying for my sister to go to grad school and making me use my trust fund money for grad school? I have been on dean's list every semester at AU. She gets average grades and hooks up with a different guy every day. Where is the justice here?
Why am I in a perpetual state of angst? The Wellness Center should distribute aromatherapy candles as well as condoms and lube.
Do I go to the expensive private grad school or the cheaper in-sate tuition public grad school? Advice?
I just got an early graduation gift from my grandma of more money than I honestly know what to do with after four years of being poor. What do kids these days spend money on? …
Dear obnoxious boys on the quad,?You've got quite a bit of chutzpah for calling me frivolous because I chose to take a nap. Judging by your conversation, you've got an awful lot of time to bullshit. If you want to get chicks, a brain does a lot more than a bone.?Sincerely,?The Princess of Snark
With the new time slot, the class ends at what 2:25 or something? OKAY AU! As if the jobs board isn't filled with parents looking for a babysitter for their kid that gets out of school at 2:10. Way to put all us hard working babysitters out of work. Why don’t we have a Union or something? FIGHT THE OPRESSION … or demand Federal Work Study
Dear The Eagle,?We want Alex Knepper back. Conor Shapiro is a n00b
To the people who judge for hitting the button in MGC for the handicap doors: those doors weigh A MILLION pounds, especially if you're carrying a massive 20+ pound bag of textbooks. Mind your own business.
Why are the rants longer? I like succinct wittiness.
Why do people read Eagle Rants more than the actual news in The Eagle?
@I’m really sick of all the class warfare on campus?I'm sure it's really easy to work for little to nothing when you have a $10,000,000 trust fund.
60 meal swipes for 2 weeks … PARTY AT TDR!!!!!!
"Oh say, can you WONK by the dawn's early light?"
Save the Oxford Comma!!
Man, isn't it great (sad, ridiculous, infuriating, insert your own adjective here) how easy it is to use our university's new motto to make sexual innuendo jokes? I've gotten one published in every week of Eagle Rants so far this semester! :)
Dear SIS: Hey, I totally understand why you need to have a big graduate day luncheon in the entire Katzen lobby/atrium in the morning while us music students have only two weeks left of class, and also why you needed to cancel some of our classes so you could use the classrooms for your own stuff. I mean it's not like you have a brand-new gorgeous building of your own or anything.
So if Congress actually does make major cuts to federal student aid, then I guess I'll become an Impoverished WONK. And then I'll actually need the free T-shirt.
To the six TAs who make my life miserable,?I cannot wait until this year is over and you're just students like the rest of us in the program. We'll have some fun.
Dear person in last week's rants who plagiarized an FML post and tried to pass it off as a rant: SHAME! Do you think you are the only one at AU who read FML? Shame, again.
The rants are getting very long. Can the Eagle start separating them into categories.?Such as: "Happy Rants," "Suggestions," "anonymous accusations" etc.
Another personal rant:?1. My step-mom is four year older than me.?2. My sister could not get any more narcissistic.?3. My mom is too busy gallivanting around Europe with her new husband to notice or care that I am severely depressed.?4. I'm addicted to pain killers, but I see no reason to stop.
Another comment for you the search for, Nate Bronstein.
I have some "different" porn fetishes, but I'm scared to talk about them with my friends because I'm scared they will think I'm weird. But I can't be that weird if the porn sites have already established categories for my interests. What kind of weird porn do other people watch ...
There was a kid who used to only wear hoodies but now he looks like Irish Edward Cullen. He still seems sad.
To the girl who yelled at me for taking too many grapes in TDR:?You are not the queen of TDR, Christine is, and, babygirl, they have more. The end of the semester crunch is not justification for being rude over fruit.?Sincerely,?Try Pineapple
I also have the same question as last week's ranter. Why do smokers (who enjoy the high of nicotine) not just get their high from nicotine patches so they can continue to get their fix but yet not pollute the lungs of those around them? Do they like the taste of tar? Do they not know nicotine patches exist? Do they not know where the CVS is where they can buy nicotine patches? SMOKERS: PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS!
To the person who is advocating campus being tobacco free. I agree with you that smoking spits fumes that rudely affect the general public ... However I'd prefer it to be smoke free, I don't care if someone does chewing tobacco, there is no second hand smoke to worry about, and as long as they carry around a trusty water bottle and properly dispose of it, I think tobacco use in that way is fine /looking for compromise
To all smoking whiners telling me to smoke in private: Last time I checked, I can't smoke in my dorm room. Two passing breaths of some second hand smoke won't hurt you at all. Get over yourselves, pricks.
I HATE HEARING YOU EAT
You are my fire, the one desire?Believe me when I say?I wonk it that way
To the person who posted about people at Students for Liberty meetings who "hate" the idea of Women's Initiative: you were at the meeting, I wish you had spoken up so I could have explained the reasoning behind my comment. Most importantly, I don't hate the idea of WI whatsoever. I consider myself a feminist and agree with most of their core principles, I just have issues with their massive budget allotments & types of campaigns. Next time, please speak up so I can explain; I may have a sarcastic and aggressive sense of humor, but I don't bite when it comes to exchanging ideas! I don't who you are, but you know who I am. Find me; let's grab some coffee and talk.
Are you serious? We've gotten to the point where we're ranting about commas?
Wow, lots of people upset about green tea.
Yup, I just had sex in the amphitheatre.
To the professor who obviously discovered my rant from last week and hinted at it in class: You may read Eagle Rants, but you're still a terrible, terrible instructor. Professor is what you call someone who teaches you things.
@I’m really sick of all the class warfare on campus. Yes I have a $10 million trust fund. But I shop at thrift stores (on the rare occasions I do shop) and I am not flashy with my money. Stop judging everyone and dismissing them just because they are rich. I want to devote my life to solving international conflict for little to no pay. I am NOT shallow just because I have money.?So you're an egotistic hipster? Even worse.
Dear Library,?I am currently sitting on your copy of the U.S. Congress House Committee On Appropriations Section 1. Sorry, but it's necessary in order to sit comfortably at your absurdly tall tables.?On the bright side, the book now looks like someone has actually read it. Nothing says "beloved literature" like a broken spine.?Love,?Vertically Challenged
I have no idea how I put up with the frat party BS during my freshman year of having to find a bunch of women friends, stand outside (possibly in the cold) for a while, maybe manage to get a ride and then end up at an overcrowded house without enough to drink. Long live Arizona House!
If Course Registration was a person, I would punch it in the face, watch it bleed and then shove it front of a bus. All while laughing.
So I know we have kosher options for boxed lunch but what about halal boxed lunch? What magical deliciousness are we missing out on?
There are many things I don't understand. I don't understand why all the girls are crazy about Nate Bronstein. I don't understand why Tavern workers always yell at me when I'm just trying to get my cheese burger. I don't understand why the tree in front of LA Quad smells like semen. I don't understand why it's so hard for Rebecca Black to pick a seat. I don't understand many things. When I don't understand something, I smoke a cigarette and just let it be.?So when you see a smoker and don't understand why they smoke, just let them be. Stop bitching. Stop wondering why they smoke. Stop wondering why they can just use the nicotine patch. There's nothing you can do. It's just the way it is.
Why the hell is there no article covering the DPA Senior Capstone? Instead we get crap about arsenic in the soil ... good job with the Arts, Eagle.
[Editor’s Note: This issue of The Eagle does cover the DPA Senior Capstone.]
I just LOVE that my SOC advisor forgot to clear me for registration. And I LOVE that I’m now waitlisted for all of my required courses. And I LOVE that I can fill my schedule up with the overwhelming amount of four electives SOC has to offer. Life is just SO Awesome.
The blue ponchos for the prospect tours are hilarious and embarrassing. It screams WONK.
It makes me absolutely sick when I hear about all the hazing some fraternities and sororities do. I have no idea why someone would pay hundreds of dollars to suffer abuse and then become "accepted" by fake so-called "friends." Apparently hazing is strictly against university conduct policy ... my ass.
I am so tired of hearing from EVERYONE how impractical the majors that I have considered are. No matter what I say I want to do, someone says "Ohhh its a bad time for that ..." or "What are going to do with that?" or sometimes they just cringe. I've determined that it is a bad time for everything, (beside maybe a hard science, which I could never do). According to professors, alumni (from phonathon), my mother and the world, I'm just screwed.?F THAT NOISE.?Imma study whatever the frick that I like and that I'm good at. Today I declared my "impractical" major and it felt pretty great. Here's to succeeding anyway!
We all know that bikers generally are cooler when they ride on the street though. The sidewalk is for little ones and n00bs.
Yes, smoking is bad, blah blah blah. But mindless consumption of everything and not recycling is putting just as much toxins if not more as lighting a cig. Buying anything is like putting some CO2 into the air along with many other chemicals. Producing plastic is worse than cigarettes — at least the tobacco is filtering out the carbon while it grows.
I'm sorry TDR, but when the dish called "Pasta with garlic and BUTTER" it is clearly not vegan.
I am so tired of friends ranting to me about their workload. I'm not trying to get into a competition about who has it worse, and I'm not even asking you to recognize that I have more on my plate than you do — but PLEASE stop being such a drama queen about your ONE paper due in TWO weeks, and realize how lucky you are to be here, and how lucky you are that your parents can afford to pay for it. Shut up and do your work.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I knew that one day I would graduate and have to pay back all these damn student loans. But ... holy crap that's so much money and holy crap I am so unemployed.
We would be much better together than you and your current infatuation and you know it.
I'm going to smoke even more now because I really want you to die before you see your grandkids.
Why has The Eagle still not created a "Click here to submit your anonymous sex question" feature on their website? If you can do it for eagle rants, surely you can do it for sex questions. I have URGENT questions here.
My parents aren't coming to my graduation because they don't really see college graduation as an accomplishment worth celebrating. I doubt they will come to my law school graduation either. I'm never good enough ...
If you only knew how much I fantasize about you.
My time at AU has been the best four years of my life. I doubt I will ever be as happy and as blessed with wonderful opportunities as I was at AU. It was totally worth the money. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Is there any recourse for having paid $3,000 for a completely crap class that the prof. didn't even try to teach? It's passed the point of absurdly awful.
To the ranter who thinks everyone here has it pretty good: Things are not always what they seem. Life does not stop when you get admitted to AU. Please refrain from making assumptions about other people's lives. That is unless you have super powers and know what is going on in every single student's life.
I wonder if any of the AU Students for Liberty receive any Pell Grants from the federal government?
"Police Blotter from April 7th: Four cases of beer were stolen from a Bon Appétit storage area in MGC"?I thought this was a dry campus ...
[Editor’s Note: Bon Appétit has a liquor license for special engagements, etc.]
Dear Vineyard Vines boy at the lib,?There is something weirdly appealing about the way you keep twirling your hair.?Sincerely,?a fellow lib patron
I love that WONK is one letter away from being a term describing masturbation
The new art in the SIS building is beautiful. I hope it's there to stay. And I wish we had more art in other buildings. Especially Ward and Hurst. I mean we have artists on campus. Why contain all the art in Katzen only? Spread the creativity and beauty.
The Dav is playing country music. Take that, hipsters!
Dear guys on the shuttle today at approx 12:45 p.m. laughing and commentating on their friend running to catch the bus — you made my day, thanks!
I have really had it with the Roosevelt Institute! They constantly flood my Facebook with messages. Whoever runs the organization — please stop! I am confident I am not the only person who feels this way. I was willing to give you all a chance until you put on a terrible event with Michelle Rhee. It’s no surprise people don’t go to your events. STOP THE MESSAGES.
To the girl on my floor who NEVER washes her hands after she goes to the bathroom: ... WHY??? Are you that afraid of a little soap and water? It's so unsanitary :(?Please go back to kindergarten and learn basic hygiene.
Dear American University Postal Services,?I see you driving round town with the package I love and I'm like ...?Fill in the rest.
Thanks to McFoul for losing power on the SINGULAR night this past week where I have work to do that requires outlet power. Thanks. A lot. You're absolutely amazing.
Dear AU,?You would think that with the amount of money I spend to your lovely university, you would at least have more sections in a class that is needed for EVERY SIS MAJOR.?Soooo pleaseeee add more sections to I.D.?Thank You,? A student who wants to graduate soon!
Kanye,?I WON’T let you finish, because you ruined Katy Perry's song!!!
I
I WANT THE TAVERN OPEN ON WEEKENDS. Is that too much to ask??
Dear Hogwarts Transfer,?It's called Irony. : )
WHO PUT MY MACARONI IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM?
Dear AU Players,?Telling people to return their playbills after the play is selfish, especially since people PAY to see the play. Some people like to KEEP their playbills to remember the event.?-Someone who KEPT the playbill?Deal with it!
To the person ragging on Nate Bronstein and his sexiness: I'm not mad. You're one less obstacle in my way ;)
Dear Hughes 7,?I understand that you're really stuck on yourselves. You're the PenthAUs, you're better than everyone else, you're just so weird and hip and AWESOME. I get it. Now, can you stop stomping around like elephants, bouncing a basketball in your lounge and waking up everyone in the building with your drunken screaming outside at 4:00 a.m.? ‘Kay thanks.?Love, Sick of Your Noise
Jon Kyl advised AU that the WONK Campaign was a good idea. (Not intended to be a factual statement.)
I'm just saying — being the sober one in a group of friends is overrated. You have just as much fun (if not more) hanging out and laughing at their ridiculousness, you remember all the embarrassing details ... and there's no risk of praying to the porcelain gods or earth-shattering migraine's in the morning. Best of both worlds? I think so.
Tenley Hall of the Year FTW!
Dear Shakespeare,?Why'd you have to kill off Rosencrantz and Gildenstern? They seemed like pretty awesome people to me.?:-( x infinity.
You wish you were a Tenley Kid.
Rant here!
