• To the two girls on the shuttle Sunday evening who encouraged me to "run run run" - thank you for your encouragement. I ran faster and made my bus, all thanks to you. Way to build the student community.
• Dear SIS students, You can't all single-handedly save the world. So do the rest of us a favor and STFU in class, so we can get on with our lives. -fellow SIS student
• My trust was violated by TDR today when they poured maple syrup onto the tofu.
• You have so many cute boys around you and you don't even want them. I feel like you're spoiled, because they all adore you, and I adore them but they don't even notice me. Share, please. I'm serious. It's not fair at all.
• I'm sitting up in bed, fully-clothed, with my laptop finishing my homework due tomorrow. My girlfriend is sleeping next to me, also fully clothed. It is very early Monday morning of Valentine's Day. Something's very wrong here.
• Thanks AU for screwing me over ... Way to name a Gen. Ed. course "Drugs and Behavior," when it should actually be named Neuropsychopharmacology. I would have never taken this class had YOU not misled me. This has nothing to do with POLITICAL SCIENCE so WHY do I have to take it?
• Girl who eats ice in class... please stop
• For the 21st time, I don't have a valentine. And in years past, while I secretly hoped for a valentine or secret admirer I never got one, and while I wished I had, it didn't devastate me. But last night (2/13) was the first time I was cynical about Valentine's Day. Because while people say it's not even a real holiday, that being single is better, and even that I should remember that I'm a great person, it's not enough, finally. I don't know what's different about this year, but it is. I hate Valentine's Day.
• Why is the water from the water fountains on campus so cold? It hurts my teeth! I demand tepid water!
• I've wrote so many rants and have never been published, I wonder if I'm using the right website...
• Is it just me or when you set the snooze button on your alarm for one minute, time flies like a starving bird chasing a fat worm!
• The kid that eats marshmallows on Pandora is super scary!
• I literally, physically ache when I think about Darren Criss and the fact that there is close to a 0% chance I will ever meet him.
• I've had "Firework" stuck in my head for weeks now. I blame you, Kyle.
• WTF happened to your formatting, Eagle Rants? I've been looking forward do this all week! EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry! We fixed ‘em.
• Nice boys are great... until they're too shy to talk to you =[
• To everyone complaining about The Eagle covering "Snowpocalypse: One Year Later," apparently you don’t read the Washington Post, which did the same thing. Heck, the Post even started a #snowmemberwhen hashtag on Twitter. Plus Snowpocalypse had a significant impact on local politics and commuters, so it actually was a big deal.
• Eight performances in two weeks? Seriously? I'm starting to feel like a Company WONK.
• You know, not everyone who has someone on Valentine's Day is automatically happy. My boyfriend got me a sucker he got from Christine in TDR (love her, by the way). It was free. You'd think after all our fighting you'd be more considerate.
• Dear whoever thought up the new chicken tenders recipe: How could you bring yourself to mess with the only consistent good food a meal swipe offers??? I know the new ones are more "cost-effective," but hon, of course its more cost-effective if you don't put any CHICKEN in your chicken tenders. Sincerely, the old tenders were delicious. Stop making my visits to Tavern a crap shoot.
• A recent rant used the middle school term "Epic Fail" and I threw up a little in my mouth.
• Can someone explain the seething hatred of the Know/Wonk campaign? I get it, it cost a lot of money. It's also accurate and kind of funny. Do we have to self-righteously mock everything?
• When did being rich become a bad thing? I actively try not to be stuck up and I don't act privileged, but you're insane if you think I'm going to apologize because my parents worked their asses off so I could have a better life than they had. So to all the haters out there, STFU.
• If the Media Board does not have a lot of money to throw around, why is AWOL throwing parties? Isn't that kinda useless and a waste of my tuition?
• First Valentine's Day with a guy ... and it was the best first date ... ever.
• I just saw a cockroach in TDR...gross.
• Is it weird that the Police Blotter is my favorite part of The Eagle?
• Dear girl in my Elementary French Class, Oh, you spent a whole semester of your senior year in France? Then why are you in my ELEMENTARY French class intimidating me with your superior accent? Please leave. Thanks. Sincerely, Person who actually speaks at the elementary level
• I am an alumni and over the years I've given generously to the school. Most AU students are exceptional individuals. I recently interviewed a recent graduate for a position, unfortunately I was turned off by the statements and wild viewpoints on foreign affairs and politics. Conor Shapiro's articles were sent to me — all of them. They represent a troubling trend I've seen coming from American University. Students are too far outside of the mainstream that they become desensitized to what's normal. Shapiro's views are very rare and are so far outside society's tolerance that they become troubling. I would never seek to squelch discourse, but if AU really does encourage such viewpoints I cannot support the University and our interests have diverged. Therefore, I encourage students to be mindful of their viewpoints and the University to be mindful of their products. EDITOR’S NOTE: Is this a serious rant? You say you encourage students to be mindful of their viewpoints, yet you never seek to squelch discourse? Paying lipservice (or rantservice) to free speech is an awful lot easier than actually practicing it.
• Today smile at each person you talk to, happiness is contagious and who knows, maybe you'll make someone's day.
• There has to be a special circle of hell reserved for people who take someone else's seat in morning classes.
• My girlfriend refuses to have sex with me on the grounds that I'm too "well-traveled." Because getting some every once in a while totally means I'm a man-whore. Time to move on!
• I love Eagle Rants! Reading them makes working at the Phonathon bearable!
• I don't like the new fries at the Tav either! I felt like a freak, but now I know I'm not alone.
• I may disagree with your writings, but damn are you sexy!
• My ambition is to marry a rockstar and not use my $50,000 a year education ... and at the rate I am going this is probably going to happen. Do not judge me.
• I should get 20 extra points added to all of my tests just for being hott. I can't help that I actually have social skills AND I'm hott, so obviously I can't spend all of my time in my room studying.
• Stop with the WONK. It's annoying.
• Dear Eagle, Please check the spelling on the articles you post online. Especially the titles. "Shaprio's"? And read over the articles before you post them.. perhaps remove the extra fragment period-less sentences that you forgot to take out (see noise regulation article). EDITOR’S NOTE: Go back and read the last paper you wrote for class. $10 says you find a typo or two.
• Dear AU: Please stop hiring teachers who can't speak English. I'm tired of having to figure out what my professor is trying to say because she doesn't understand basic grammatical structure. Sincerely, A concerned student.
• I really want to have sex and/or just hook up with someone in the library. If you're down, come find me.
• Are you kidding me, AU. You REALLY NEED ANOTHER WELCOME CENTER. The third one in A DECADE. REALLY.
• I know that college is supposed to be the time for hookups, but the best spooning partner I've found has to be my cat hands down.
• Why is it that when you're single, no one is interested, and the second you start seeing someone, you meet three other people? Where was everyone last semester when I was alone???
• Why does the library not rent out mac chargers? 99% of students have macs. WTF.
• To those AU kids who act like all who live in poverty are bums who "don't work enough", I hope to God you never have to know what poverty is like. I also hope you understand that some of your classmates may have either come out of it or have family who does (in my case, both parents and all extended family). Now, can we please be "open-minded" enough to tone down the classism? Thanks.
• To the person who wonders why people don't make room in the elevator even after you've said, "excuse me,"...if you scream it at the top of your lungs and bulge your eyes out, believe me, they will move. Try that.
• I am going to reveal an AU secret society. We get together, dressed as cookies, to discuss whether we separate the Oreo and lick off the stuff or dunk whole. After this club having been in existence for over 50 years, there has been no conclusion made. Now you know.
• I don't have time for a boyfriend or formalities I just need someone equally mature & businesslike to take care of my needs. Where oh where oh where can I find you?
• Vagina Monologues? Hmmmm.... Vagina Wonk? YESSSS!
• To the person ranting about the rich kids that go to AU!!! Your rant makes you sound so closed minded!!! Firstly define what "rich" means!!! You stereotype all the "rich" kids into a group of people who only care about drinking, money and having fun!! Let me break it to you ... NOT everyone is like that and "non-rich" kids can also be like that!!! Maybe you should meet all the kids that are paying full tuition before generalizing!!! Sometimes people who were born in a "rich" family just need more time to adapt to the changes of coming to college!!! Oh and by the way you are NOT welcome to be here because of us. People like you are still in that high school brain mode where you generalize like that just because you have nothing better to do in your life!!! Get a life!!!
• I would totally live on an all male floor IF there were urinals in the bathroom.
• Dear American University, Please anticipate warm days and turn the heat off in buildings so that those of us who are stuck inside on 60+ degree days don't also have leave a building drenched with sweat. Sincerely, Boiled Alive
• So today I was chilling in the Quadrangle, double fisting Snapples and enjoying the lovely sunny weather. People all around were frolicking. Behind me there was a small group of girls and one ridiculous bro, the kind of bro that makes you think 'Haven't you ever heard of Penn State', juggling a soccer ball. In a fit of uncontrollable testosterone, Broseph Stalin over here smacked the ball across the green. It was intercepted by two guys dressed in American flag body suits, who were joined by a third odd lounger. One would expect a brief game of keep away would ensue, filled with laughs and the inevitable restoration of Brosoma Bin Ladin's soccer ball. However, whether the red on the flag jumpsuits turned him into a bull, or he was so insecure in his sexuality he couldn't deal with other guys playing with his balls, Edgar Allen Bro was enraged and charged. He tackled one American flag man-treason, at the very least, forcing the flag to the ground-and then, his thirst for douchebaggery unquenched but with a greater eye for patriotism, Abroham Lincoln knocked the third guy to the ground. Having asserted himself as the biggest dick in sight, he went back to his game. He was later confronted, with reasonable questions such as 'Was that really necessary? Is this preschool?' he could only muster 'Don't touch my balls man.' Listen man, I'm sorry your balls are bigger than your brain, but are you serious? Do you photosynthesize sunlight into testosterone?! I just wish you could have a brief moment of lucidity into what an incredible disgrace you are to humanity, you goddamn Bromo Sapien.
• TDR practically never has mint chip ice cream. WHY!?!? It's not like it's more expensive than all the other flavors, or a non-renewable resource or something. It's actually very easy to get a hold of. So do that, and make it available in a place that a) takes meal swipes b) supplies ice cream.
• I TRIED starting a badminton club! I did everything correctly and was still shot down by three different people in the athletics and student activities organizations. My friends and I are ordering a indoor/outdoor set soon, you'll see us playing on the quad very soon! Walk up to us and ask to play!
• POKER SHOULD MAKE A VALIANT RETURN IN POPULARITY. PLAYERS ARE OUT THERE ... WE MUST ALL COME TOGETHER NOW AND GAMBLE!
• Could I get a round of applause for the 70 degree weather that turned an initially terrible week into one that rocked?
Every time a cyclist rings his/her bike bell before passing me on the sidewalk, I want to hug him/her. Keep up the good work!
• "American University" An original poem by a current student Oh AU, Flag half blue, buxomly blue, I almost blew away walking in the wind tunnel formed between MGC and McKinley. Flag half red, ruddy red, I almost read those books for class this time, professor. Oh AU, I almost love you.
• Boxed lunches are such good ideas. But why must they be filled with such cruddy sandwiches?
• Why does Bravo keep getting shut off on campus?? I NEED to watch Top Chef!
• So I applied to 24 law schools and have gotten zero acceptance letters so far. 11 more mail days before spring break. I'm scared...
• I live off campus in an apartment building full of retired people, where the ambulance comes about once every other day to take away an old person who had a heart attack. I have no friends here. I'm lonely. :(
• Can the Eagle do a story that features the daily schedules of 10 to 20 students? Not a story, just a quick rough schedule. It would be interesting to compare the diversity of the busy lives students lead. EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ll be running a contest to find the busiest students at AU soon. Stay tuned!
• Who will be the next leader of eagle rants? I'm scared it will fall into demise. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME EAGLE RANTS! I NEED YOU IN MY LIFE!
• Eagle confession: I like the way I taste.
• Does anyone else find it ironic that AU clubs put so much effort into campaigns to make you "feel good about your body" while there are no clubs promoting weight loss when 2/3 of Americans are overweight? Overweight people shouldn't be learning to "feel good about their bodies"; They should be urged to go to the gym and work out. Their being overweight put them at risk for so many chronic diseases, not to mention puts a strain on the already strained American health care system when taxpayers have to fund their unhealthy habits. In conclusion, being overweight should not be celebrated. It should be discouraged. Get to the gym and get healthy, AU.
• Dear professor who doesn't erase the blackboard after class: Rude!
• Let's stop responding to the deluded Conor Shapiro. Mr. Kamin's letter to the editor addressed the glaring problem: Mr. Shapiro's lack of tolerance and respect. Other than that, Shapiro just wants attention; let's not give it to him.
• The mudbox should sell highlighters and pens. Why should I go all the way to the school store for a pen when mine runs out of ink??
• I'm disgusted with everyone who decided that as soon as it is 65 degrees outside, it's okay to throw trash all over campus. Does it really take that much effort to make it to the trash can?
Rant here!
