• To rant or not to rant, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous college fortune, or to take arms against the sling of troubles, and by ranting, end them. To die, to rant, no more. And by a rant to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that freshman are heir to, ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To rant, to sleep, to rant perchance to dream. Aye, there’s the rant.
• To the person who has had sex in the library, you are a pig. Go back to whereever you come from and have sex in your own goddam library.
• To whoever found my wallet on the bus and actually turned it in without stealing my cash, I love you.
• Ok, I get adding new things to the Tavern menu but why take away some of the more popular items? There are no more chicken quesadillas, bacon cheese burgers, or southwest sauce. SHAME AU. SHAME.
• Yo, Eagle Ranters, I’m real happy for you and I’ma let you finish, but…wait a minute. Are we still doing this? It’s been, like, a year. Isn’t that the limit?
• I’m falling hard for you. I’m too scared to tell you how I feel. And I know that I’m eventually going to spill the beans about my secret whilst drunk. So bye bye alcohol, forever…
• If one more Rat runs across my path while walking around campus… I’m going to stab it in the face, rip its head off, and eat the little bastard. Then I’m going to put its head on a stake in the middle the quad to serve as an example for all those other little S.O.B’s.
• We need more nudity!
• I found an entire rat in my TDR cobb salad.
• Dear Provost Bass:?Are you crazy? 7:30 a.m.? I need time to sober up before I go to class.
• Nice try calling me from a blocked number so that I would pick up. Stalker. I’m not that stupid. And I ignore you for a reason.
• Dear pre-frat friend,?I miss the old you?sincerely,?a fan of the non-sucky you
• Dear Person I Met at a Frat Party,?Let’s not make this awkward by avoiding eye contact when we walk through TDR. We met. We conversed. Let’s be actual friends.?Sincerely,?Tired of having to pretend like I smiled at the person behind you.
• People who whisper in the second floor of the library: it is a SILENT FLOOR, not a whispering floor, not a lower voice floor, but SILENT! That means I only want to hear the typing of keyboard and my own thoughts. So please, if you’re in a group or just feel a need to talk and laugh while studying just go to the third floor and let me study in peace.?
• Annoyed second floor loner
• Maybe it’s just me, or the fact that I’ve been out of AU for three years, but the students at AU seem to complain a lot more about trivial shit. When I was at AU, we bitched about real problems, like the president embezzling a money and then having AU jack up tuition rates to pay off his golden parachute.
• To the AU Alum hating on Phonathon:?Why are you on Eagle Rants?!? Do you really have that much free time on your hands that you can find the time to complain about the phone calls you’re getting? Get a real job and stop complaining about ours ... at least we’re making money!?Best wishes, your student caller from AU
• I sick of these mother@#$!$$# rats, on this mother@#%#@#% campus!
• There is a deeper circle of hell for the alumni who hang up on Phonathon callers
• As I was sitting in my room one lovely Tuesday evening, I heard a familiar sound erupting from the street. It was a transport! Then it dawned on me ... “wonk” is the exact sound the ambulances make. And boy, does AU have tons of transport wonks.
• Ok, I know we just had a big rally for reasonable political discourse but I’m still PRETTY DAMN SURE that Tom Smith is Hitler.
• Sometimes I search my own name on CollegeACB. There’s always a mixture of disappointment and relief when it yields no results.
• Maybe I would stop playing Dolphin Olympics if I weren’t SO FREAKING GOOD AT IT
• I demand fancier toilet paper!
• If you and your harem block the goddamn sidewalk one more goddamn time, I'm pushing you aside so that (somewhat) polite people can use it.?
• EAGLE RAVES 4EVA!!!?except its a lot easier to think of things I want to complain about than things I'm happy about but I'm willing to give it a shot:??I'm a huge fan of ...... nope I got nothing!! Sorry.
• If you're going to try to pick up a girl at the library, at least make it cute and help her pick out a book from a particularly tall shelf. Not while everyone is sitting around trying to do homework.?
• Come on rude boy can you get up?
Cause I wonk wonk wonk?
What you wonk wonk wonk
• You have broken my heart. I am numb inside and can only stare blankly at the sea of faces I come across. I am dead inside now thanks to you. Save me!
• When did all the Eagle rants get so emo? Write that stuff in your diaries everyone, seriously.
• Eagle rants is not an advice column. Eagle rants is not a relationship column. EAGLE RANTS IS NOT FOR SOLACE, IT’S HERE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
• Students who vomit on the shuttle or any other form of public transportation should have to stay until they clean it up and deodorize it themselves. Keep your chunks to yourself.
• Due to aptitude testing, my likely career will be serial killer bait.
• REALLY?!?! You’re going to spam the entire SIS Listserv to say you have a crockpot for sale? Like we don’t get enough junk in our inbox daily. So not cool.
• Dear Hot guy that drove me to the frat party Saturday night,?The way you handled your car was so sexy it gave me the shivers. We had such a great conversation about our mutual secret love for watching iCarly. When will you finally get the nerve to accept my iCarly date request?
• I never thought I would be another person complaining in the library but this is ridiculous. Girl sits next to me on the quiet floor, and chews LOUDER than I can think. I’ve never wanted a bagel to be out of my life so quickly. I’m pretty sure this girl has an unnatural amount of saliva in her mouth cause I can hear EVERYTHING going on in there. FML
• Do you remember that time I got drunk, and wrestled a panda bear, and made out with you, and skydived, and dressed in drag?
Yeah. Me neither.
• Reading over the lengthy E.R. column from 11/12 I noticed that about 60% of all the rants could have been solved at the time of occurrence. Please people, stop being passive-aggressive and let others know if they are?-a terrible roommate?-making too much noise in the library?-a slow mover in food lines, etc.?What may be so blindingly obvious to you may never have crossed their minds! Stop grinding your teeth in frustration and just talk it out
• I like that the Tavern workers are mean to me. I am a white male with an unnecessarily large scholarship, great family and great friends, life has given me every opportunity. Being yelled at when asking for dressing for my 10 dollar salad makes me feel like I am finally feeling just a little bit of injustice.?Thank you Tavern, you make me feel alive.
• I miss my boyfriend. Is there a such thing as cuddle-porn I can watch??
• I AM FREAKING OUT HENCE THE INORDINATE USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS AND THE UNNESSECARY RUN ON OF MY SPELLING AND THE REDICULOUSLY STRANGELY SADLY HORRIBOLE SPEELLING ERRORS AND ALSOE, FURTHERMORE, HENCEFORTH THE USE OF ADVERBS AND EQUALLY ODD WORDS THAT MOREOVER DON'T BELONG IN.?
• No, roomie, I will NOT have a threesome with you and your creepy BF.
• MAKE ME A SANDWICH, NEIL KERWIN.
• I want candy corn all day everyday
• Seriously, the AU contingency in Prague is furious with the recent developments at the Tavern. No cheese or chicken quesadillas? No Southwestern sauce? No Bacon Cheeseburgers? Explanations and changes need to be delivered by Spring semester.
• Out of all the gay boys at AU, I fall for a straight one ... with a girlfriend. WTF?!? Fail sauce.
• Because I had just a little JD left over from thirsty Thursday, I decided to attempt the famed Ke$ha ‘before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack’.... now my mouth feels kinda dirty and I smell like an alcoholic in my 9:55.
• Dear Pasty White Ass,?Please refrain from having sex in the study rooms with the doors unlocked.?Many thanks!
• Oh hey, thanks for vomiting in a McDonalds bag. And thanks for not chewing your pasta at all. And extra thanks for dropping your McDonalds bag of un-chewed vomit-pasta right outside my room.
• I could have sworn that WONK was a sexual position ... If not, I’m making it one.
• To the boy who said “You’re welcome” when I thanked you for showing me your ID at the front desk this morning, you made my day! I may have acted like it was no big deal, but nobody ever replies!
Rant here!
