• Eagle rants only go back to March of 2009?! I work at the Phonathon and now I am bored, throw me a goddamn bone.
• What the hell am I going to do with my parents when they come here for parents weekend?!?
• When can we all get wasted and go to a sports event?! I need to exercise my heterosexuality.
• I think that we should support alumni and play Bones in the Tavern. Bones is the best show, and we should have hunky David Boreanaz host. Yum.
• I want to be an RA, only so I can get with some of the cute RAs I've seen running around South Side. Heyyyyy.
• Dear Everyone who uses a laptop in class, Congrats! You are tech-savvy enough to take notes using word. Now get off Netflix/UO/TFLN/ESPN.com and listen to the professor you are PAYING to learn from. Thank you.
• Why does AU hate the Italians? Today is our national holiday and we don't get the day off.
• Grover on a horse, or cow? Probably the best thing that Sesame Street has come out with since Snuffleupagus.
• Yo, Eagle Ranters, I'm real happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but...wait a minute. Are we still doing this? It’s been, like, a year. Isn't that the limit? EDITOR’S NOTE: It still makes me chuckle, therefore I’ll let it slide.
• Why does my roommate take a nap EVERY DAY??? Even on weekends, when she can't blame her 8:30???
• I hatehatehatehate stupid people.
• Bring back the AU Threesome NOW!!!!
• I have become nocturnal. I fear the sunlight and scurry, Scurry! SCURRY! Away from it like my rat brothers.
• Dear everyone who told me I should live on south side instead of North side, you all suck. I hold you directly responsible for the fact that I have to trek across campus every time I want to see a friendly face.
• I'm falling hard for you. I'm too scared to tell you how I feel. And I know that I'm eventually going to spill the beans about my secret whilst drunk. So bye bye alcohol, forever...
• I've heard a lot of people complaining about how their clubs are not getting enough money from AUCC. Do you guys not remember those flyers we got in our mailboxes? The posters up all around campus? We all had the chance to apply to be on the council, so if you were really that concerned you would have applied or made sure you knew someone who did.
• None of my friends are in long distance relationships and I feel really alone. Can AU start a support group for people in long stance relationships so we can help each other?
• Dear kid in my Russia class, If you're sick and tired of this school and/or just plain sick. Please don't come to class. I'm tired of hearing you whine and/or try to breathe.
• AU needs to reconsider its admissions standards. Any student who cannot write something funny in a Rant form will not be allowed on campus period. Perhaps that will end the epidemic of pitiful ranting skills.
• Dear Roomie, Stop eating so loud. It's cereal, not taffy. Thanks!
• I hate people!
• I didn't even know we had a debate team. If they're such hot shots, shouldn't they be fundraising or doing more to create a name for themselves on campus so they can attract more money?
• I swear to god I saw Captain Jack Sparrow on campus yesterday. Dude had dreads and leather boots up to his knees. Oh AU students...you never cease to amaze me with the ways you dress.
• I saw a guy smoking hookah in the quad by himself. Midterms reach a new low.
• Hey midterms ... thanks for causing it to be impossible to find a place in the library. You can go climb a tree.
• IT'S SO HOT IN THE PHONATHON ROOM! SOMEONE BUY US A FAN! Or just turn the heat down...
• Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? We would have so much extra room for activities!!!!
• If one more Rat runs across my path while walking around campus... I'm going to stab it in the face, rip its head off, and eat the little bastard. Then I'm going to put its head on a stake in the middle the quad to serve as an example for all those other little S.O.B's. EDITOR’S NOTE: I expect some follow through on this one.
• Did a teacher really just write an Eagle rant?!? I LIKE IT!
• I believe that there should a new student club entitled "The Rat Hunting” club. It would be a phenomenal opportunity for us more conservative students to shoot things. And we would do a service to the liberals who are too weak and scared to kill anything. I highly recommend that the school purchases several large caliber weapons for said club.
• WE NEED A CHIPOTLE ON CAMPUS. PLEEEEEAASEEEE. And said Chipotle needs to serve cake.
• Dear prospect who I talked to for 30 minutes, When you suddenly told me that there was someone at your door and that I should call you back in 30 minutes...I believed you. When I called back and your wife answered and said you weren't home... I seriously considered yelling at her. You both suck. Sincerely, A completely not bitter Phonathon caller.
• In addition to a Rat hunting club, there should also be a Zombie Preparedness Club. We all need to face the fact that zombies will, at some point, attack us all. It would be best if we are all prepared.
• To the Aramark lady who cleans Letts 2 North every morning: I want to let you know how much I LOVE our early morning chats about politics and just about everything else. Thanks for explaining the D.C. Mayoral Race better than any of my professors have and letting me practice my Spanish. You are one classy lady.
• AU has a debate team?
• Dear person who was hating on the person blasting Bon Jovi... Bon Jovi is amazing you Freedom-hating, communist loving, tree-hugging, un-american dingleberry.
• The person who said to stop posting negative things on Eagle Rants... It's called EAGLE RANTS for a reason. not "Eagle sunshine and rainbows." Use some common sense next time por favor.
• Hanging up on Phonathon callers makes baby jesus cry.
• Dear Davenport. Who ever you were, thank you thank you thank you, for bestowing upon us the greatest gift of caffeination we could dream of. I’m sure your career was illustrious, but your legacy is divine. But honestly ... 8:00 p.m. and you close up shop? No one on this campus goes to sleep until 2:00 a.m. (especially this week). Couldn’t you humor us and stay open until, I don’t know, 10:00 p.m.?!? All the Best, Zombie Wonk
• Dear Freshman Girls, I'm really really happy that you're having such a wonderful first semester at AU and plastering your Facebook pages with pictures of you wearing next-to-nothing. However, what will make me SO much happier is when you find out how much weight you'll gain from drinking beer and late night munchies. Be prepared to see fat growing on places you never knew existed. Love, An experienced, albeit bitter, upperclassman girl :)
• Dear Smokers outside of McDowell (and smokers in general), I just wanted you to know that every time I see you I judge you. I also pity you, and feel slightly sorry for your parents who aren't sending you to an expensive school to see you piss your life/money/the health of others away. Love, A McDowell Resident
• It took about three minutes for this page to load. Thanks AU internets!
• Anyone who was at the sex and excess assembly — two highlights were the guy struggling to put the condom on the blue dildo and the masturbation song.
• Dear girls who keep leading me on, Stop. It sucks. Thanks, Me
• To the girl who just exited my life: Thanks for hurting me so... Your insults are greatly appreciated... Can I have another?...
• To the girl who is there and I want to enter my life: Please... I like you a lot... And I want to show it, but I don't want to scare you away...
• Dear sorority girls in the library, Must you wonder "Why is it so quiet in here?" Hint: it's a library.
• My school abroad doesn't let me EAGLE RANT!!!
• If I can't find a computer to Eagle Rant, then I normally just find schoolchildren to yell them at.
• We need more nudity!
• I'm pretty sure Curtis' mission is to put an end to all greek life on campus.
• Leonard 7: Remember when you last went crazy-insane from 1 a.m. to 5 a.m.? Probably not. Some say that an old man is a repository of failed ideas. Your floor is kind of like that, except it has more empty liquor bottles than sober thoughts. I’d live above the influence of your loud, staggering feet, but Leonard 8 is an all-girls floor. Cheers!
• Debate Society: maybe if people actually knew you existed on campus, they would give you money.
• Dear AU Women’s Field Hockey Team, We kind of have girl crushes you. All of you. Field Hockey is so cool and you guys are so good! Keep doing what you're doing. Love, Us.
• I hate it when people go abroad. Especially when it causes great relationships to end.
• The severe lack of outlets in the library, SIS, or anywhere on campus really is becoming more and more of a problem.
• "I am so angry at (noun)! Why can't all of you (curse word ending in -ing) (synonym of "idiot," plural) just stop (past perfect tense verb)? Maybe then I'll be able to (sexual innuendo, verb) in peace!"- every single Eagle Rant ever
• I.am.so.horny. Where the straight men at?!?
• Dear cute girl across the quad, you look quite nervous and I'd really love to come over and tell you everything will be alright... but that would be creepy so you get this instead. Hope your day is going better now ?
• A rat ran up the back/outside of my pant leg in the amphitheater. Lolz.
• I rant therefore I am.
• I’m so glad we had an issue of eagle rants without editor notes. Maybe the editor finally realized that this ISN’T his Facebook page and he has NO right to comment on things. EDITOR’S NOTE: To the creator go the spoils. Love ya!
• A three day weekend should not constitute Fall Break! Please give our hardworking brains the week of rest that they deserve!
• To the person sitting next to me at Phonathon: I think you're pretty cool, can we hang out sometime?
• I really like the new stricter policies for smoking. I'd rather not cough up a lung and die every time I walk past MGC.
• I'm so excited for Super Mash Bros!!! AND the same weekend as the Stewart/Colbert Rally ANDDD Halloween!!! Please make the next two weeks go by fassterrr.
• TDR needs more pineapple always.
• Fire drills at 6 p.m. and then again at 4 a.m. are not OK.
• I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat I will not cheat.
• I would sincerely like to know why there are no pumpkin patches near AU. How am I supposed to get my organically grown pumpkin in time for Halloween?! PHONATHONERS: please create a fund for an AU Pumpkin Patch so that I may enjoy the festivities of the season with more ease.
• What would our lives be like if we had to hand write essays, with no Internet for procrastination or communication. No Perez, Pandora, Facebook, and worst of all... NO EAGLE RANTS.
• Dear student in my class, You have the most ANNOYING voice I have ever heard in my entire life. And when you get excited about something, it is not necessary to raise the tone and pitch of your voice. It is also not necessary to give your opinion on EVERY question the teacher asks. Especially not when you just shout out without raising your hand. Thanks, A very annoyed student.
• I really like chilling with you, but you just smell soooo funky!
• Hey kid in my stats class. Shut up.
• I found an entire rat in my TDR cobb salad.
• Dear kids making out in the library... GET A ROOM!
• So I thought I was going on a date with this ridiculously attractive girl on Friday, until I friended her on Facebook and it turned out she has a boyfriend. So I apologize, roommate, for randomly bursting out in a slew of extremely vulgar expletives that should probably never be combined. Sorry broski.
• Can we get a Dear Abby kind of person? I need a lot of advice and people on Eagle Rants don't like that. EDITOR’S NOTE: Check out blogs.theeagleonline.com for an advice column.
• Why does the Tavern ALWAYS sound like a good idea at 10:59?
• With the new semester came an influx of attractive men. Most likely grad students. This is the first semester I'm single.... WHY WON'T YOU TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Wanna know why there are so many thefts at AU? Because Public Safety spends all day patrolling parking lots and ticketing cars to make a profit. Maybe they should be patrolling the library, or the dorms, and actually keeping the public safe? Crazy idea, I know...
• You just lost "The Game"
• I really cannot stand AU. Our gym and library are an embarrassment, Greek life (sadly) rules too much of the social life, our drinking policy makes me feel like I'm in high school again and stops people from actually getting to know others on campus, and many students are immature brats who fail to see how lame their lives are. Sometimes, AU can feel like the worst high school experience in the world. But in between the douchy frat boys, the spoiled daddy's girls, the future politicians, and the people who are so liberal, Obama would blush; are some really chill, amazing people. It’s really hard to find them, but they are there and all the crap I talk on AU is all canceled out by the people I have met. Don't give up hope, they are there. AU doesn't have the scene that I want from my college, but it has some really chill people I love and because of them, I am so happy I chose to come to AU.
• Is my time here worth mind-blowing debt? I'll be paying hundreds of dollars a month on my loans well past the next decade.
• Being an OL changed you. It's like I don't even know you anymore.
• I guess the economy is so bad that driving a black Mitsubishi Montero with fake diplomatic plates is considered an "extravagant” lifestyle.
• Was I that obnoxious as a Freshman?!? If you plan to stay up all night talking loud enough so that I can hear your entire conversation the next room over, can you please talk about something interesting? No one cares what your high school was like or what you think of Alex Knepper. I would almost prefer to listen to you all having a giant orgy- at least I would know you were doing something worthwhile with your time at AU!
• For months, I have been looking forward to seeing my LDR girlfriend over fall break. But instead of reconnecting, I got dumped. FML.
• Hey D.C.! Why are you tearing up perfectly good sidewalks and forcing me to walk in the street? The sign says "cross here," but the other side is torn up, too! How about we save money by leaving the sidewalks where they are or use it to help out DCPS instead?
• Leonard Six to Leonard Seven: Just because we don’t make noise ‘til 4:30 a.m. in the morning on school days doesn't mean you have some advantage over us. We have a great time, just don't make as much noise in doing so since we are respectful people. Obviously some of you don't understand what being respectful is, and it is quite sad.
• Dear WVAU: You are a great radio station, and people should definitely stream your stuff online. But that doesn't mean those of us who do important work on the MGC 2nd floor want to be forced to listen to it when we're trying to focus on doing our own jobs.
• I love going to TDR on Saturday and Sunday mornings and eavesdrop on people's conversations about the embarrassing things did the night before.
• TDR- Why would you make 20 meatlover pizza's and only one cheese? Why was there a dead bug in my salad today? Why would you only have two stoves at firewok, thus making us wait 20 hours for the only good food you serve?
• Whoever put Vaseline on my door handle is about to cry.
• The closer I get to graduation, the more I wish I'd participated in clubs and sports. At least I learned how to make pointless status updates...
• Dear AU, You built Katzen for the theater and arts students. Stop whoring it out so we can actually use it. No love, a theater student.
• Do you remember that time I was mauled by rats?
• Do you remember that time I ran out of TDR swipes at the end of September and subsisted off of rats cooked over a fire like some sort of mountain man?
• Nutella? YES!!!
• Dear AU Athletes,
Keep doing what you’re doing. Field Hockey Number 10 in the nation? Say what?!
-AU Student Who Appreciates You
• Do you remember that time when a teacher with dreams of singing on Broadway instead settled down with a high school sweetheart who proceeded to destroy his life only to find redemption by teaching a group of immature children to follow their own dreams?
• I AM A RANT WONK.
Rant here!
