• I wish we had exceptionally rainy days excused from class, all I feel like doing today is napping. I’m pretty sure the entire university feels this way.
• Freshman, are you seeking guidance and friendship with upperclassman? Upperclassmen are a great resource and make you look really cool, and they love meal swipes. Of which you have too many, offer someone in the marketplace your mealswipe lovin’. Love, Meal-Swipeless Senior
• If you’re having a hard time meeting people, it’s not AU’s fault. It’s your fault. Go and do something with yourself, just do something. If you’re capable of having an even moderately worthwhile conversation, then you should be able to find someone who’s willing to do it more then once.
• Dear People who smoke on the Mary Graydon Steps, Don’t you see the Smoke Free Area signs? ?Yes, the University doesn’t enforce them, which is completely negligent on their part, but I’m tired of breathing your smoke as I enter and exit the building. Please respect my lungs and move away from the building.
• Because I had just a little JD left over from thirsty Thursday, I decided to attempt the famed Ke$ha ‘before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack’.... now my mouth feels kinda dirty and I smell like an alcoholic in my 9:55.
• So a kid committed suicide in New Jersey. The Eagle chooses not to report it. Am I the only one offended by the homophobia that the Eagle espouses?
• Thank you fellow Dav ranter!! The next time a hipster tries to give me sass after I politely ask for coffee I am going to blast Soulja Boy songs into their ears as loud as I possibly can until they melt away from fear of “conformity” and top 40’s pop hits!!!!! Hipster’s Kryptonite! So how about an attitude adjustment Dav workers?
• Dear Pasty White Ass, Please refrain from having sex in the study rooms with the doors unlocked. Many thanks!
• Dear Dude in my Sociology class who looks exactly like Jeff Goldblum, You’re the best. Keep on keeping on. Yours Truly, A Fan
• I could have sworn that WONK was a sexual position ... If not, I’m making it one.
• Dear Editor-in-chief of The Eagle, you have a lovely voice. Ever consider singing? Love, An admirer who would love to hear you on the radio/tv someday P.S....don’t get too cocky now ;) EDITOR’S NOTE: Come to Roxanne’s on Friday or Saturday night for some classic karaoke with yours truly!
• I’m glad I wait until my senior year (this past weekend) age 22 to lose my virginity. ?It was worth it to wait for the perfect person.
• Dear Editor: You cant’ call it anonymous commenting when you have to provide your real e-mail address and create an account, which you must verify using said real e-mail address. Stop BS-ing. EDITOR’S NOTE: Step 1: Create new e-mail address with Google Step 2: Comment anonymously
• Dear girl in the library, When you asked me to guard your stuff while you went to the bathroom, I got a kick out of your suggested method of theft deterrence: “Can you just trip him or something?” Indeed I can, Miss.
• Posting my stop censoring rants rant doesn’t make you cool when you censor my other four rants.
• How come I can’t run around with my pants off like I could at home? This BLOWS!!!!
• Hey! So, you’re my roommate, and that’s all well and good. However, just because I won’t elaborate IN GORY DETAIL about my sexual exploits (like you do) doesn’t mean that I’m not getting any. I am, don’t worry! And the fact that I don’t bring guys back to the room at random hours (like you do) isn’t because I’m a prude. It’s because I am trying to respect your personal space, and I ask that you do the same for me.
• THE RAYS ARE WINNING THE WORLD SERIES!!
• WTF is with the kids, 12yo, who use the shuttle. Does AU regulate this?
• May I suggest a new department for the AU Administration to incorporate? The Red Tape Reapplication Division, or RTRD for short. They could be like the “Terry Tate” of AU Central, aggressively mummifying students in red tape for minor transgressions. “DID YOU THINK YOU COULD JUST SEND IN THIS AID APPLICATION, JOHN?? THINK AGAIN, BABY!! YOU MADE A DECIMAL ERROR ON LINE B, BITCH!”
• Dear AU Student at Farragut North Metro on Friday Afternoon: If you’re going to continually swear and drop the F-Bomb during Rush Hour at the busiest metro station in Washington, D.C., please don’t wear an “American University” Hoodie. Thanks. Your classmate
• Hey homegirl who submitted the rant hating on Mc2! Please keep your negative vibes away from our haven of peace and harmony.
• To all the workers of the Davenport Coffee lounge, and subsequently to the hipster nation: Don’t get me wrong, I understand that working in a coffee shop, or working a customer service position in general, is very frustrating, demoralizing and often draining. You ALL however need to make a serious attitude adjustment! Serving coffee to the sleep-deprived and overworked student body does NOT justify you to be as rude, snappy or elitist as you almost always are. Try smiling. For the love of God, please. Your rudeness has the potential to ruin people’s days!!!!
• Dear cute girl that I keep running into at the dav, You’re really cute. You should put down The Eagle at some point during your daily visit and come hang out with me. The Eagle isn’t that interesting. And I’m pretty decent at making conversation. EDITOR’S NOTE: Dear Cute Girl, Keep doing what you’re doing. Love, Eagle Staff
• To the people who park their bikes at the MGC bike racks: Don’t park your bike in the walkway so I have to lift my bike OVER YOURS to park mine. The walkway is meant for getting bikes and people in and out of that already small space, not for you being a lazy ass.
• To the person who posted “McDowell 2 is without a doubt the rudest group of freshmen on the entire campus”. You are an idiot. You either a) don’t know us and are judging ALL of us based on a bad experience you had with ONE of us or b) YOU are actually the rude one and can’t handle someone else giving you a taste of your own medicine. If you REALLY have such a problem with McDowell 2 freshman, then please tell us. We don’t bite.
