• I'm a junior and I have no friends. I don't even know how this happened. I had friends last year, but then they went abroad this semester, or we just stopped hanging out. It sucks. I have never been this lonely in my entire life.
• I am SO horny. Fall break and my LDR girlfriend cannot come soon enough.
• McDowell 2 is without a doubt the rudest group of freshmen on the entire campus.
• Dear Fierce, Intelligent, Carefree gal, How about we get together, and we can talk about whatever you like. Sincerely, An equally intelligent, carefree guy.
• I need to remind myself not to make fun of AUSG. It is not as if they were a joke.
• STOP CENSORING MY EAGLE RANTS! THEY AREN'T BREAKING THE RULES!
• When did Eagle Rants suddenly become an advice column? Really people, I don't want to hear your pleas for advice.
• I met a really nice guy at a party one night and felt like we really got along, but now I don't know how to talk to him or get a chance to hang out with him without looking like a creeper. Why is it so hard to make friends at AU!!!
• I'm kind of a shy person, but once I get to know people, I'm actually quite outgoing. I'm just having trouble meeting people here, since all my high school friends went to a different college than I did. What's a good way to meet people without being weird?
• The new comment system really discourages me from reading theeagleonline. I'm not a troll but I really loved commenting anonymously on stories. ESPECIALLY Eagle Rants. EDITOR’S NOTE: You can still comment anonymously. You just need to give an e-mail address.
• Due to the extreme suckiness of the recent Eagle Rants, I would like to submit a petition for better rants. It is vitally important for the future of this institution, and here is why: The sanity of the callers at Phonathon is directly dependent upon the number, creativity, and hilarity of the Eagle Rants. The amount of money which Phonathon callers can manage to wrangle out of alumni is directly dependent upon their continued sanity. This University's endowments and rankings are directly dependent upon the number of alumni who give back to the school. Ergo, please, for the love of all things holy and the future of this institution, GET BETTER EAGLE RANTS! If you don't and AU spirals into academic oblivion, you only have yourself to blame. EDITOR’S NOTE: That logic is sound. Why is AU unfunny this year?
• Line-cutters, I will call you out, even if you reeeally need to stand with your friends in line because you don't know how to be alone for a few minutes. I want my damn burrito. Be forewarned.
• Really? You’re taking the elevator ONE FLOOR UP? You're pathetic! You give athletes a terrible rep.
• Dear Anderson Five Biddy!
Actually, we really don't mean to judge you. Sorry! We'd love it if we didn't have to listen to you throw up in the bathroom at 5:00 a.m. But we accept that vomiting loudly is part of your charm.
Love,
Someone Else on Anderson 5
• Dear Curtis,
I acknowledge you're trying to make this campus have a legitimate greek social scene. However there is no reason to make a mandatory Alcohol Awareness Event at the same time as one of the most popular shows on television. I'm 22, I drink responsibly, and the fact that I need to miss Glee to have you talk at me for an hour makes me want to abuse alcohol more than you know.
Love, a Greek
• Dear everyone I know, Just because I don't drink doesn’t make me some quiet nerd. I don't drink because my parents are alcoholics. It's extremely insulting when you imply I'm not fun for not drinking. Have fun with your brain damage!
• Why are Chinese, Japanese, and Korean all five credits? It’d be nice if I could take more than one, since I'm specializing in East Asia. WTF, SIS?!?
• I don't know who is running the vans here at AU but could they please, for the love of God, get their act together?!? If I have to wake up at four in the morning for Crew, the least I should be able to expect is a van to get me to practice!
• My Capitals are dominating the preseason. Why do I fear more heartbreak this year?
• Sexy boy in my philosophy class, WHY DO YOU NOT HAVE FACEBOOK? WHY! Who doesn't have facebook, seriously! How am I supposed to stalk you? Perhaps you just have your profile unsearchable? But why? I thought only girls did that so that creepy guys don't try to get off on their pictures. Emerge from the abyss and FRIEND ME!
• Oh hey, thanks for vomiting in a McDonalds bag. And thanks for not chewing your pasta at all. And extra thanks for dropping your McDonalds bag of un-chewed vomit-pasta right outside my room.
Happy Wednesday!
• The guy I like got an ugly haircut and now he is no longer attractive. Well at least I can pay attention in class now.
• Sophomores on Leonard 2...it’s OK to socialize with freshman. We won't bite...but the cockroaches might!
