TOP RANT: Dear kind person who returned my iPhone to public safety so I could get it back:
THANK YOU SO MUCH! You not only saved me from having to replace my credit card, apartment keycard, health insurance card, AU ID card, library card, driver's license, and iphone; Also in there were two tickets to Disney World from a very special vacation. It means a lot to me to have them back. Your generosity reminds me how lucky I am to be a part of the good-hearted AU community. Thanks again for your kindness. Good karma will surely come your way. :) -Grateful AU Student
• Dear Girl with Kitchen-Sink makeup in my Gen-Ed class, One should not talk about wanting to get a C-section with the enthusiasm that one would use when talking about getting a cute, new bag. Thanks, A disgusted fellow student.
• OK, the basketball team has a home game in the playoffs. Can the haters take a deep breath and get back to me after Wednesday?
• Dear Student Health Center, I appreciate that you have a Weight Watchers chapter for faculty, however those of us who are students would really appreciate that resource available to us. Thank you, Health and Weight Conscious Undergraduate Student
• Why do we hire guards for the men's basketball games, but we don't even check IDs for the women's games?
• Sometimes I think this school is full of pretentious pricks, but then I realize they're really just the loudest ones. If you put your ear to the snow-covered quad, you can hear whispers of kindness and insight that outshine the ignorance, at least in my mind.
• Everyone should be dedicated to ranting as much as possible, so we can all be entertained for an extended period of time. Also, Eagle Rants app? Could that happen? EDITOR'S NOTE: Will someone develop it for us pro bono? That would be sick!
• You are one of the most inconsiderate people I have ever met and living with you has made me hate it here.
• I hate fluorescent lighting a lot. It is ugly.
• TURN OFF YOUR GOD DAMN TV. YOU ARE NOT EVEN WATCHING IT. IT IS OBNOXIOUS. YOU ARE OBNOXIOUS.
• Civitas can't just be a student thing, it needs to be a staff thing too. We need to have more civil behavior from the basketball rent-a-cops.
• If the rent-a-cops at the AU basketball game treats our donors like they treat our students, no wonder athletics has a hard time raising money.
• I'm sick and tired of the rent-a-cops at the AU basketball games treating students poorly. Have they ever heard of Civitas?
• SPRING BREAK WANTED NOW.
• My best friend may be an alcoholic.
• PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not take your shoes off in class. Especially if it's a block class. Even if you don't think your feet smell, I promise, they really really do.
• I hate that the water fountain in Ward on the terrace level is always warm. I prefer my warm water with tea, thanks.
• I am so fucking tired. I hate living here so much. You are obnoxious.
• So my academic advisor in SIS SUCKS. She never has time to talk to students about their problems. We are always just rushed out the door. I never got any email or anything informing me of this. Way to suck balls, SIS Advising Team.
• I realized I need to stop hating on the hipster boys, because I myself am a hipster girl.
• Dear person who complained about people on the third floor taking the elevator,
I'm on the third floor, and although I don't take the elevator down, I take it up. Usually I take it up after I have had an intense varsity practice and my legs hurt so much they can't climb up those two flights of stairs. Or, in the case of one of my friends, sometimes people have sicknesses that make them unable to breathe even when there's "only" two flights of stairs. Ever think of people with asthma or respiratory illness? This also applies for going down the stairs. Not all problems are visible. So STFU and stop complaining, is it REALLY that big of a deal? And if you don't like it, I suggest YOU take the stairs and avoid the problem altogether. It's only six or seven flights, right? -Someone from the third floor
• "Every pretty girl deserves to go to a ball!" -Jim Carrey, Yes Man. Get us a ball SG!
• Why do people keep walking in through the left door? I really hope you people don't drive cars!
• OMG I just realized the last three guys I dated were tall, awkward white men. Dang, I have the same syndrome.
• I told my friend, I can get him to do it he has a crush on me.
When more accurately, it would be he wants to fuck me. But that just sounds so crude, alas. Get shit done.
• PLEDGING RUINS FRIENDSHIPS!
• A lot of people actually have class on Wednesday. So, no, the fact that it's a Tuesday night does not give you a pass for being a douche.
• Sometimes two flights of stairs after walking around campus is too much. Take the elevator to the third floor, it's fine.
• I hate living here so much. Freshman, please take my advice: don't live on campus for sophomore year.
• I really would like a boyfriend but have ran out of potential candidates so I've decided to fulfill my need for intimacy by getting drunk - it's easier than meeting new guys. The funnier part is I'm more worried about being called a whore (even though I'm a virgin) than an alcoholic.
• Your disgusting chewing noises are really obnoxious and make me hate living with you that much more.
• As a third floor resident who takes the elevator sometimes out of laziness (hey I'll admit it), I'm sorry for adding a whole 10 seconds to your elevator ride. The funny thing is that if your time was so important that the stop on the 3rd floor was such a waste of your precious time, why are you wasting more of it by ranting here? I think I'll start taking the elevator more often. Cheers!
• Living in the moment and truly freeing my spirit has been amazing.
• I think way too much.
• I use my looks sometimes to help get what I want. Population asshole: me.
• Fellow graduating senior, I agree wholeheartedly. I feel like those who go abroad and want to save the world in a week think they are so superior to those around them. Humility goes a long way, indeed. I went abroad once (luckily and by choice once) and it was a wonderful shock to my being. By all means, helping others is immeasurable but arrogance. Idk. Also, fellow ex soccer player: I miss it too, they have been very unresponsive and it's bumming me out. I want spark in my life again and moreover, I am a goalie. Always needed.
• Re: Eastern Motors critic
It's just a song. A song we will be playing at every game just for you.
• Hey, now I am from LI and just because the person has a different opinion on something than you don't apply that conclusion to an entire island. No animosity needed. Besides, whether you agree with "war" or not, the least you can do is honor our men and women overseas that do what most won't to protect what we take for granted. Another radical liberal in fantasy world...
• A letter I saw being written in the library: "Dear sentinel brother...we cannot let these new pledges continue to lay claim to our fraternity....We tell each other that we are superior to the rest of the campus. How can this be true when these pledges are allowed to remain? We might as well be Sig Ep or something! ... Yours in fraternal brotherhood, Brother X" --
I forget the guy's name and his frat. God, what utter douches!
• Here's an idea: go to class. Here's another one: turn off your TV and stop playing computer games. You're annoying.
• I completely agree that people who sing Miley Cyrus or someone similar in the Tavern are all tools. "LOL LOOK HOW IRONIC I AM FOR HOW CATCHY I FIND MILEY CYRUS OMG" - Hahahaha...no.
• To the people gloating about the USA hockey win over Canada last Sunday: How many of you ACTUALLY care about hockey more than once every four years? Yeah, that's what I thought. Sincerely, A Canadian at American
• Do SG elections even matter? I never know anyone who's running, and never know who's in office, and never know what they're doing, and never go to any of their events, and never seem to see any significant changes in campus life.
• Oh hey Carrie Underwood ... get it. Midterm-Ass-Kicking-Soundtrack.
• Someday I hope to have a tall, awkward white boy of my very own.
• Has anyone realized the fact that in the back of the library on the third floor, there is a huge array of monitors that covers the entire building. How am I supposed to procrastinate for finals when I know I'm being watched???
•I have a midterm tomorrow. I think I'll watch American Pie instead.
• Dear Phonathon complainer:
Have you ever heard of constructive criticism? If you can't take an informal (i.e. has no impact on whether you remain at your job) evaluation by a fellow student, how are you gonna survive a formal evaluation in a more "legitimate" job than the Phonathon where your position might be dependent on a good eval? Get over it and maybe even learn from it.
EDITOR'S NOTE: We received a hilarious, feature-length rant that we will be saving for our April Fools' issue. Whoever sent it in, you know who you are ... we thank you.
Rant here!
