•Overheard coming out of the ladies' locker-room: "Mom when you went here for school did you have any friends?" - Little Girl "Of course I did!" - Middle Aged woman "Besides [REDACTED]." - Little girl. "Well, um." - Middle Aged Woman.
•So ... what really is going to happen with the old SIS building next fall? I vote we turn it into housing for us upperclassmen being kicked off campus.
•Why can't AU understand that the key to raising revenue does not involve admitting more students? College applicants focus on the acceptance rate. By striving to lower the acceptance rate, AU will become more competitive and desirable. Thus, the value of AU degrees will increase and help spur more alumni to donate to improve their prestigious school.
•The Centennivator makes living on campus worthwhile.
•Dear Eagle: Jeff Jones is awesome! 10 points against the #1 team in PL! Love, Fair Weather Fan
•Dear Eagle: Your story last week about the unconstitutional cameras in the library? You missed a big point. The librarian is a cylon. What else explains how the library has improved so much in so little time? No mere mortal could do such great things. These cameras are merely baby cylons that are ready to become big cylons and improve the campus. Yours, Count Balthzar
•What's up with the section called "The quick take?" I think the newspaper should rename that section "The redundant take." Basically this section is just another version of the same topics with the addition of an inarticulate newscaster. Please elect more capable leaders for next year. After watching the video in "The quick take," I'm starting to see "Bushisms" as intelligent and articulate. EDITOR'S NOTE: You've succeeded in hurting my feelings.
•I wonder if the guy in the arboretum will still perform fellatio even though it is snowing.
•Dear AEPhi No, a million girls would not kill to be in your sorority because a million girls were accepted.
•Sorority girls, You sound like dumb bitches every time you refer to a sister as "big" or "little" instead of their actual name.
•Go GREEK! Pay to join a 'sisterhood' or 'brotherhood' to make friends you could've made without paying a dime!
•My eyes are getting old, I read "Grangerism redraws Shakespeare pages," and I thought it was "Gingerism" and that rather than Othello being a Moor maybe he would be a Ginger.
•Why do I keep falling for all of my ex-girlfriend's friends?
•Hey "Lord Furious" ... you're weird ... but I love you.
•To those of you in my philosophy class who glare at me every time I wear my letters - GET OVER YOURSELF! I have a 3.8, volunteer and intern. Stop pegging me in a little box and mind your own East Coast/hipster/pot smoking - self!
•To the guy in my stats class who looks like a blonde Robert Pattinson ... dont worry, you are much more attractive than him.
•I saw two gingers talking after a class today. You don't think they were planning something, do you?
•To my roommate, Last semester you insisted on unnecessarily getting up daily at 7 a.m. and making such a racket that I, too, was forced to get up. This happened so often that this semester I still feel compelled to wake up ungodly early. Thus you have NO grounds to glare at me on the rare occasion that I have woken YOU up. Irony's a bitch. Deal with it.
•Can't help but notice everyone stopped going to the gym ... New Years resolutions lasted about a month.
•What's with all the copycat Jersey Shore parties? Everyone just had to copy Pi Kapp.
•@AU hipsters protip: don't complain about greek life and then come to our parties. So inauthentic. Go drink PBR in your Berkshire apartment.
•Interesting - one of the nation's most "open" and "liberal" campuses can't even accept a new greek letter organization. Too bad SAMMY isn't gay or vegetarian, it'd be a lot easier for them.
•To the cute TKE that gave me a ride to the party last Saturday: when will you ever acknowledge me?!
•I have spent the last year and a half regretting and forgetting that one unfortunate night during freshman Welcome Week. And all it takes are his gorgeous, fire blue eyes to sweep me off my feet again.
•HW assignment for every member of CASJ: Write a two page single spaced essay examining both the commercial and production history of your outfits. Which fashion companies are profiting off of you? How did their advertising campaigns cause you to purchase their product? How and where were your clothes manufactured, step by step? One inch margins and size 12 font. Use citations. E-mail your papers to CASJKOGOD@hotmail.com.
•Why it's hard not to hate on greek life: When you're together, all you talk about is either getting drunk or apparently meaningless sorority/frat bureaucracy. To us, all you care about is greek life and parties. You're always together, so it's hard to get to know you. You were the cool kids in HS, we were not (yes, petty). The fact that you can afford to pay for friends and connections makes non-rich people feel alienated.
•It drives me CRAZY that so many people appear to have nothing to do but drink, play video games and try to get into one another's pants. Isn't this supposed to be an institution of higher learning? And why am I the only one with homework?!
•Dear Ugg-wearer, Aren't you biddies more concerned about looking good than comfort anyways? It's a surprising choice for you to make, especially since Uggs are SO heinous looking. Oh and original too! But only if you don't wear your black North Face. I mean COME ON, everyone has that one.
