Today's Top Rant: • RE: We need more bike racks. No, we do not need more bike racks. We need fewer fuckers who beg for a bike from their parents, chain it up to the bike racks, and then never fucking use them. I am sick of vying for the same 5 spots on the bike racks with everyone else who bikes because all of the lazy assholes taking up all of the spaces. I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR LOCKS AND SET YOUR RUSTED BIKES ON FIRE!
• TDR trays still exist. I have seen them.
• Dear AU: Why does our basketball team suck so much? We should just not have any sports teams... we suck anyway. Take away their scholarships and give it to some real scholars. Damn right bitches!
• News Highlight: If 1,170,000 People Join, My Girlfriend Will Marry Me! Facebook group failed more epically than the N.Y. Giants failed this season!
• Someone on the east wing of the Berks must be hacking up a lung ... I can hear the coughing over my music and it's really annoying GO TO THE DOCTOR PLEASE!!!
• Riding the Centenitron up to the third floor has become my idea of excitement ... I think I really need winter break to come sooner. EDITOR'S NOTE: What the hell is the "Centenitron?"
• To the cute girl who works at the Phonathon: Why do you spend more time dancing around the room and hugging supervisors than doing your job? Do you think you're better than everybody else? And furthermore, why do they let you get away with it? Sincerely, Annoyed Phonathon Worker EDITOR'S NOTE: I think you answered your own question when you referred to her as "the cute girl."
• Wow, roommate, thanks for coming in the room while I'm napping, turning on the light, and then calling your boyfriend to talk. I really appreciate your respect and consideration. Maybe I'll start talking on the phone the next time you're sleeping ... oh wait, I'm more mature than that.
• Does anyone realize that there are people starving? Yet, we are using real fruits and vegetables as decorations for our food service? WTF?
• So this woman who just made my panini? NO GLOVES. WTF?
• I like seeing Tom Brady's "O" face. As in "Oh, shit! I'm about to get sacked!"
• Just saw "New Moon." In related news, I haven't been this violently ill in years.
• "New Moon" was a painful experience. Luckily, I was able to punch myself in the balls as a distraction.
• I am supremely dissatisfied with the variety and availability of drugs on this campus. It was easier getting coke, E and pills at prep school...
• I was so deprived of Eagle Rants over Thanksgiving break that I considered searching around the site to see what else the Eagle had to offer. Luckily I came to senses though. EDITOR'S NOTE: Ohh! Sick burn!!!
• It's all fun and games until someone gets skid marks all over their underpants.
• Over Thanksgiving break I went to the promise land. There were normal people doing normal things. This did not include talking about politics. AU can we try this for a day? WHY IS THIS CAMPUS SO DORKY?
• So seriously though, can we all just admit that we still love "Boy Meets World" and it would make life better to have it back? Stop lying to yourself!!
• I am a carnivore. I need meat. Constantly. TDR, FEED ME!
• The ellipticals here SUCK! WE NEED MORE! How the hell am I supposed to keep the freshman fifteen off???
• I'd like to request MORE frat parties if that's okay. Hearing about my friends partying it up at state schools SHOULD NOT MAKE ME JEALOUS!
• Yo, Eagle, you were great, yo, and Ima let you finish, but...what? We're not doing Kanye parodies anymore? Oh, DAMN IT! Lost out on the fad again!
• What are the smoke stacks on campus for? Is that where they have that quaint little barber shop and the meat pie shop below that makes the best pies at AU? -Curious and Curiouser
• You didn't print my friend's dirty joke. You should have. It was very funny.
• Student Activities is mean. I wanted to start a Dick Cheney 2012 club, called "Dick Lovers" They said it was crass. Dick Cheney is many things, he's not crass.
• It broke my heart that there were no Eagle Rants this Thursday. Just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean we're not ranting!
• Dear AU Males, I know this is hard to believe but yes, some of us females do not have texting. And though we lack what has become the primary tool for flirting, that does not mean you should not put in the 2 percent extra effort that it takes to get in contact with us. LEARN HOW TO TALK ON THE PHONE or, God forbid, get to know us IN PERSON. Thanks, A Non Texter EDITOR'S NOTE: This is a ridiculous demand.
• To the girl I slept with last week: Sorry I couldn't get an erection. I promise it wasn't you that was the problem. I actually think you're a nice chick. It was your gender and anatomy that posed problems for me.
• Dear Cute Dance Team girl second from left on front row, You make coming to AU Basketball games bearable with your smile. Go out on a date with me? AU Fan
• Dear TDR: You SUCK for closing at 2 on Tuesday before Thanksgiving. That is ridiculous. How cheap. That is obviously a sly move on your end to save money by not feeding us. People have classes ALL day Tuesday and some people would like to eat dinner before their evening classes. I am very disappointed in you.
• Course Registration... FUUUUUCCCKKKKK!
• All my friends think I'm a virgin because I've never had sex with women despite being a senior. They are right, I've never had any intimate sexual contact with women. Then again, I'm not a virgin. Now if only I could tell them.
• So I skipped a simple 20 point question on my Econ test today because I thought it would be easy to answer at the end ... I ran out of time. FML
• It's 2:30 a.m. and I can't sleep because I'm too excited to go home for Thanksgiving break ... it feels like Christmas eve! :)
• If I hear about anything to do with Twilight ONE MORE TIME, I'm gonna go f*ing apeshit. And I'm a girl.
• There should be a smaller Health Center for North side. I'm tired of having to drag my sick ass all the way across campus to pay $20 for someone to tell me I need to take Tylenol.
• I LOVE the AU Threesome articles, stop bitching people. Best sex column The Eagle has ever had. -Senioritis
• I just want to point out that the vending machines at AU are FANTASTIC. I have never used another vending machine that keeps dispensing until the sensor can tell you have received candy. Even if in the end it means you get DOUBLE CANDY. SOMETIMES TRIPLE. As often as AU rips us off, the vending machines are legit.
• No really, I love British guys. Single? Straight? E-mail iloveaubrits@gmail.com and we can be friends!
• Asians are the most underrepresented on campus.
• So close to the end of the semester, and yet my teachers still plan to make me their bitch. On a steeeeck.
• David Bowie is God.
• Straight edge tattoos make me lol. I giggle at them because it's only a matter of time before you break edge and are stuck with that dumb tattoo.
I• Feel like a tramp stamp is a pretty good marker of your worth as a human being.
I• It's hard out here for a pimp, or rather, it's hard out here for suburban white kids from New Jersey/Pennsylvania who think going to see Three Six Mafia is ironic.
• Can people stop with all the Eagle bashing via eagle rants? It obviously has its flaws but many of the articles are decent read. If you have a problem with it, I'm pretty sure anyone can submit an article, so stop bitching and show them how it's done... or, actually, just stop bitching. EDITOR'S NOTE: We swear we didn't write this one. Thanks kind stranger!
• Dear Jeff Jones, Despite what some bandwagon fans say, you are still a good coach. You've proven it at AU, and you've proven it with UVA. But whoever's in charge of strength and conditioning needs to step that shit up. The team's always running out of gas in the second half seeing its lead glacially slip away. This was a problem last year, but since Garrison and Derrick could shoot the lights out it didn't even matter until Villanova. A well-conditioned team will not only have better physicality, but also better discipline. Yours truly, Only guy on campus who knows a lick of basketball strategy
• If someone is loud outside your room at 5 a.m., be a fucking grown up about it and go ask them to move to a lounge or somewhere out of the hallway. They're violating quiet hours and you shouldn't have to suffer, but I don't feel at all bad for you if you're too lazy/shy/passive aggressive to ask them kindly to stop.
• Dear Peace & Conflict Girl, To which course do you refer? Sincerely, -; )
• This bitch in the study lounge is listening to the same repetitive music over and over again. It's explosions in the sky. Bullshit the point of headphones is that other people do not hear your fucking music. Turn that shit down, and maybe I won't smack you in the face.
• Stop with the "jokes" in the rants. They are so awful and unfunny. Also it's funnier to have lots of rants from one person all in a row if you can't TELL they're all from one person.
• Dear editor, Until you said "the opinions page" I didn't even realize you could click on the top bar on this site. I thought it was only drop-down. That's because your layout suckkkkkkkkks!!!!
• I saw the meteor shower. It was okay.
• Getting behind on assignments after being sick for a month is the knife that keeps on stabbing. Happy holidays. FML.
• To the person in the practice room next to mine: PLEASE stop playing the piano and warbling along!!! You have been playing the same 5 chords and singing "Awhoaaaa" for the last half hour and I can literally not hear myself. YOU ARE SOOOO BAD PLEASE PLEASE STOP. Or I might have to MAKE you stop.
• Hey weird guy in my British history class. It's really rude to blatantly read the newspaper while another student is giving a presentation and to constantly interrupt other students and the professor with inane comments. You seriously need to learn what behavior is socially okay since our professor is too nice to shut you up.
• The Eagle Story about the guy transferring from AU was really bad. We need more student and campus interest stories, but how about ones that don't give exposure to whiney tools? EDITOR'S NOTE: Suggestions? Rant 'em!
Dear Boy I Like, I like you. Please like me back. I really don't want to be the one to step forward with my feelings. Im kinda shy. kthx. Love, Girl Who Likes You
• Wow, a movie from the director of "Wild Hogs?!" That's a selling point right there...
• New Moon made $140 million this weekend. That's the best opening for a vampire since Liza Minnelli had sex with David Guest.
• If there's such a thing as a potato chip coma, I'm about to go level one trauma in this bitch.
• Apparently, I don't know how to fold a towel or please a woman.
• Watching the AMAs with one eye closed, in case the person rockin' tonight's wardrobe malfunction is Joe Jackson.
• Dear annoyingly giggly girl on library first floor, This is a LIBRARY. Go to the dorms or another building on campus if you want to have fun with your study group. The "walls" of the study group cubicles are not in any way soundproof. Stop disrupting actual work being done. Thanks.
• The only thing that could have made New Moon better is if Charlie was cast As Jacob Black and not Taylor Lautner.
• I keep seeing rants about the lack of single lesbians on campus, so I know there must be others, but I can't seem to find any. WHERE ARE YOU?
