New Moon Grade: D
If you enjoy angsty furred, fanged and sparkly monsters who fawn over an emo damsel in distress, my hat goes off to you. But if inter-mythical creature romance strikes no immediate appeal, nothing else about “New Moon” will.
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While most of the movie is obviously trying to push the characters into romantically awkward situations in order to elicit an emotional response from the audience, rarely is the effect achieved in anyone other than someone who’s genuinely trying to be enthralled. Most of the time, the romantic awkwardness ends up being just that: awkward.
As a student of popular culture, the most annoying part about the “Twilight” series is the utter disregard for what it has always meant to be a vampire. This is not to say I’m an absolute stickler for convention — after all, there is something to be said for pushing the envelope and taking a film in a new direction. Slow and lumbering was a core tenet of zombie films for decades until “28 Days Later” showed us just how terrifying jackal-footed zombies could be. Then again, some conventions actually make sense, and varying from them ends up just being really silly and counterproductive to establishing more than a farcical movie experience.
Vampires have always burned to a cinder when exposed to direct sunlight. From Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” to “Underworld,” they have always been creatures of the night. But now, somehow, vampires sparkle. Light catches on their skin and they light up like a chandelier. It’s bad enough that vampiric bloodsucking already comes with erotic subtext, if not outright fanged pornography, but any sentence that includes sparkly and vampires does not sound right.
Another troubling part of “New Moon” is what appears to be total confidence that its target audience already knows what’s being said, and thus the film does not need to really bother with making the mostly whispered dialogue genuinely audible. The characters, particularly but not limited to the vampires, speak in hushed tones as if they know that any louder and they might actually be understandable and thus instantly lose what little mysterious appeal they have. In addition to the dialogue itself, much of the film, while tacitly understandable, obviously requires Stephenie Meyer’s books to provide context.
In some ways, the film gives off a vibe of a hallucinogenic experience without the shrooms, trippy in its vibe and often insolvent in its visuals. The way the vampires move is bizarre, and the way they fight in no way manages a kinetic appeal for the audience. The action usually just feels like a placeholder for the next inevitable and forced attempt at awkward romance.
For the guys who go to see “New Moon,” be forewarned that the werewolves, particularly Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), spend virtually all of their screen time shirtless. The film, in fact, is the exact opposite of the normal over-sexualization of Hollywood. While many films pile on a great deal of fan service for male audiences with nubile and barely clad women, “New Moon” obviously could care less about its male audiences, preferring instead to keep Black’s six-pack front and center far more than Black himself. Bella Swan and the other female characters, on the other hand, stay clothed and almost completely nonsexual the entire film. Even when Black and Edward Cullen are fawning over Swan, she remains clothed and ever modest.
And thus we come to the weakest character of the entire film, the protagonist. Despite the fact that she is celebrating her 18th birthday as the film opens, Swan seems to be little more than a magnified, emo 12-year-old girl. Utterly lost without her vampire in her life, she is Lois Lane without any of the appeal or intelligence. Kristen Stewart is forced into a role of haphazard risk taking, utterly incapable of taking care of herself and constantly in need of a rescue from a knight in shining armor.
Personally, I would very much like to see Swan in therapy for her obvious dependency issues, with her supposed beau locked up for stalking. For the life of me, I cannot understand what could ever be attractive about Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). He’s pale enough to be a corpse, soft-spoken enough to be a serial killer and enough of an overprotective stalker to qualify for an ex with a restraining order.
For “Twilight” fans, my intention is not to offend you. Enjoy your trippy, creature romance. For everyone else, e-mail me, and I’ll be happy to recommend good vampire flicks that actually make sense and are genuinely enjoyable, instead of angsty and creepily adorable.
You can reach this staff writer at bkoenig@theeagleonline.com.
