• If you're going to tell a story on the phone at a high volume out in the hall, at least make it good. No one wants to hear about Grandma's cat. Not even Grandma.
• I keep seeing rants about the lack of single lesbians on campus, so I know there must be others, but I can't seem to find any. WHERE ARE YOU?
• Dear Eagle Rants: My two gay friends are celebrating their anniversary, what's a good gift to get them? Buy Curious.
• Is AU Like Arrested Development? I think so. Both have incompetent people on segways. Both like The Final Count Down Both are all about real estate development. Both cater to gay males.
• What's better than a column by Alex Knepper? A book by Sarah Palin.
• What's the difference between Clawde and Screech? One is an Anthropomorphological eagle that does a lot neat tricks in the stands, the other is the National's loser of a Mascot.
• Barack Obama loves college basketball; after watching Jeff Jones coaching, however, he made AU eligible to receive Toxic Asset Relief Program Funds.
• What's the difference between the Redskins and the AU basketball team? The Redskins have won a game.
• What's the difference between Keith Gill and George W. Bush? George W. Bush fired Donald Rumsfeld for incompetence. Keith Gill pays incompetence more.
• What's the difference between Jeff Jones and the Health Care Reform Bill? One is bloated, overpaid, ineffective and should have never gotten this far. The other is a bill in the United States Congress.
• Three 6 Mafia was a disappointment. I appreciate the efforts by the SUB, but honestly, I do not find some guy asking people if they want to have a burping contest appropriate.
• To the layout designer for The Eagle get rid of all the widows! I saw like three in this past issue!
• It annoys me to hear some AU students whine that they settled for the school. If you don't like the school than LEAVE. You're taking the place of someone that wants to be here.
• Dear AU, Please stop failing so much. Anyone who has walked by (and tripped over) the utter deluge of bikes under the Letts-Anderson bridge knows that AU needs lots more bike racks. Can we please fix this hazardous eyesore?
• Clean Access Agent makes me want to kill baby animals.
• Public Safety was called, they told there was a crime in progress at Bender Arena. There was, Jeff Jones's Coaching.
• Hey whiners, suck it up. We all know the bad side of AU and its lackluster library, crazy res hall regulations and over-priced tuition. If you're so pissed off then get up off your butts and do something about it, join RHA or SG, talk to a professor or the head librarian, they are all quite approachable. Some things won't change, but nothing will change if you keep complaining to Charlie. I went to AU for four years and I'm back for another two and the worst part about this school is snobby kids who whine and whine and never look to actually solve their problems through action; this is the real world, suck it up, do something, move on. EDITOR'S NOTE: Eagle Rants can affect social change.
• There's a reason why 4 out of 5 dentists recommend wearing a condom during a dental checkup.
• The kids smoking on the Hughes lobby roof ... dumbfucks.
• Hello Eagle Rants, It is 5:13 a.m. and loud girl has been talking for two hours. Guess who hasn't been able to sleep? :/
• LOUD PHONE CALLS AT 3:13 IN THE MORNING ARE NOT APPRECIATED WHEN TRYING TO SLEEP. GET OUT OF THE HALL! YOU ARE LOUD, LOUD GIRL! LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD LOUD
• I know the second floor of the library is the "quiet floor" but that doesn't mean you have to give me the evil eye when the zippers on my backpack jingle as I walk by.
• If I rant enough, will my homework do itself?
• I still believe in Santa Claus.
• My friend cheats on her math tests. I believe that karma will have its way with her.
• Life has become a serious distraction from my Eagle Ranting.
• My parents don't love me enough to want me home for Thanksgiving. But the family dog has a place at the table. FML
• Condoms should be put in each floor's bathroom. There is no way I would walk into the Health Center to get them.
• Sometimes I go to the Babies-R-Us Web site and pretend like I'm pregnant and pick out baby items for my pretend baby. Then I go back to doing my homework.
• My bike got stolen, and I was too lazy to report it.
• Suggestion to make The Eagle not suck: Make "The Eagle" a three-credit upper level course in SOC and have print journalism students write stories for homework. Then we have talented writers and people have an incentive to actually write for The Eagle. Of course op-ed pieces will still be welcome. But the paper sucks right now. There needs to be a daily paper that covers all of the speakers and events that happen on campus each day. It wouldn't be that hard to do. And if I can't attend an event on campus, I would like to be able to read a short summary of said event in the school paper. EDITOR'S RANT: This Rant shows a gross lack of knowledge about The Eagle and business in general.
• Dear ex, You and me could write a bad romance ... no, I know, been there done that, but seriously. I miss your "vertigo stick." ;)
• Dear TDR, Stop putting hot sauce on everything!
• If I cheat on my boyfriend with another girl, that doesn't count right?
• I feel like a bad person for not reading any of the four books assigned for my class.
• When is the Women's Initiative going to sell chocolate vaginas again? I need some Christmas presents for my friends.
• Dear boy in my peace and conflict class: 1. I admire how smart and passionate about the subject you are. 2. I learn more from you than from the professor. 3. You are very sexy. 4. Your hair is amazing. 5. I think I love you. Love, Your Secret Admirer
• Dear Alex Knepper: FEMINISM IS NOT A DIRTY WORD.
• I don't know what my major should be ... I like journalism but I hate people. What's a misanthrope to do???
• Girl in my art history class: stop coughing so damn loud. Drink some water, get some Ricola, or STAY OUT OF CLASS.
• I hope the AU Threesome are writing again next semester.
• Dude, the AU Threesome are awesome!
•To the girls at "The Hurt Locker" this past Tuesday who wouldn't shut up: Just because SUB Cinema is free doesn't mean I don't want to watch the movie. Yelling "Oh my god!" every five seconds or predicting what's going to happen next does not positively add to my movie experience. In the future keep your thoughts and words to yourself or don't go. That being said "The Hurt Locker" was the best movie I've seen awhile.
•If I break something I borrowed, I would do everything within my power to replace it with an identical item. Not an inferior one. I really do appreciate the gesture, but not the replacement.
• Being abducted by an alien and subjected to an anal probe would have been more enjoyable than sitting through "The Fourth Kind."
• Another Twilight movie in theaters means I will finally be able to shop at Hot Topic and Claire's in peace this Friday night.
• If this zit lasts any longer either it's going to start owing property taxes, or I'll be allowed to claim it as a dependent on my taxes.
• When Jimmy cracked corn, I didn't care. When Jimmy started cutting the cheese, that's when we stopped hanging out.
• Never wipe away tears with a used condom.
• I bet astronomers have just about had it with "New Moon" jokes. That and Uranus jokes.
• My jeans are so tight I'm afraid that if I sit down the button will fly off and take someone's eye out.
• OK, I just wasted an hour and a half reading eagle rants and article comment pages ... it's 3:30 a.m. I have to wake up at 6. FML EDITOR'S NOTE: The Eagle appreciates our loyal readers.
• If I hear "Empire State of Mind" or "Run This Town" one more time in TDR...
• To the bra-burning, men-hating feminists: GO AWAY! you are ruing the lives of all the normal women!! Sincerely, A pro-life feminist. (1st wave-stay classic!)
• Why were they re-paving Mass Ave. in the middle of the afternoon??? They wouldn't let me cross the street for like 10 minutes, and when they finally did it was still wet, and I had to walk into class with tar and rocks and shit stuck to my shoes. FAIL!!
• Why do people submit NON-RANTS to Eagle Rants?? And why do the screeners/editors still publish them?? Nobody gives a shit about the awesome thing that just happened to you. You're like the same dumbasses that post walmart harry potter stories on MLIA. That's not what the site is intended for. THIS IS WHAT A RANT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE.
• To the lanky British guy on the shuttle Wednesday night: I really love your accent and I think you're cute! Are you single?
• People at this school need to learn some fucking manners!! Newsflash: STARING IS RUDE AND CREEPY.
• Why is it so damn hard to find the link to rant? EDITOR'S NOTE: Go to the opinions page on the Web site, the link should be right up top.
• WTF IS WRONG WITH THE CENTENNIAL SHOWER TEMPERATURES?!?!?! ANYONE?!?!?!
• I DEMAND THE EAGLES NEST GET A SLUSHY MACHINE!!! I want the deliciousness of a white cherry Icee without having to walk to 7-11.
• I'm SO sick of all the Jersey dissing! This school is like majority JERSEY KIDS. STFU, we own you. Without us, you'd be lost! TRENTON MAKES, THE WORLD TAKES, MOTHER FUCKERS.
• Who actually saw the meteor shower? I have a feeling everyone missed it.
• Dear not serious AU student. I like fashion too! Lets be friends and make fun of the fashionably challenged at AU together!
