• So I have a crush on a saxophonist. However, saxophonists have a different embouchure that makes kissing bad. Is it OK for me to date him? —Lonely Trombone Player
• Could we trade in our pep band for a glee club? They both do that don't stop believing stuff.
• I wish Gail Hanson would dress up in a track suit and coach cheerleading. That would make me miss Glee less.
• I miss Glee. I really do.
• Hi pretty lady, I see you in your room from the window!
• 200 words? That's like another assignment! ... looks like AU got to you too haven't they.
• If women get a Women's Resource Center, men should get a Porn Resource Center. It'll be a great idea: we'll have an impressive library of pornographic magazines and videos (GLBTAfriendly!) and students will be excited to finally have a place, besides when their roommate is sleeping or out of the room, to pleasure themselves. Also, you'll be glad to hear that we'll be willing to work side-by-side with the Counseling Center, since masturbation is a solution to relieve stress!
• I don't appreciate The Eagle Rants making a joke out of complaints about how loud it is in the library. This is a serious matter and needs to be addressed. Maybe we should pay a guy to stand out front of the president's office and protest.
• Can we do improv on Eagle Rants? I'll start: Neil Kerwin walks into a . . . (Now you add it under Improv #1 for next issue)
• If Phil Cardarella and Alex Knepper had Jedi Powers, which would be the Sith? Who would win?
• Maine voted down gay marriage. Don't they realize that Lobster is also a nono according to the Bible?
• This campus purposely feeds us fries to make us FAT, fat, fat.
• Wanted: Free Meal Swipes please! Come on, it's the end of the semester. You know you have to use that 70something, 40something meal swipes. Gimme a call :) A poor male sophomore living offcampus without a meal plan
• Shit. The condom broke again.
• Forget LOLCatz, we need LOLPublic safety officers. They, like LOLCats just sit around, do nothing, and pose no real threat to anyone. I Can haz a scooter!
Will the Eagle have a neonazi on the cover of its next publication? Or do we just pick on the poor Catholic Church?
• Is Jeff Jones the Dan Snyder of AU Basketball? Losing to a Div III team like Macon suggests "yes!"
• When Barack Obama was elected it was "the people, it was democracy, and it was good." When the people of Maine decide that they don't like gays "it's mob rule." Can you explain that?
• If Dr. Kerwin were to give up 20 percent of his salary, that would equal more money than he has fundraised for this school.
• It's kind of sad: the online comments are often better than the articles.
• Dearest Roommate, I understand that you're stressed and less than happy to wake up early in the morning, but slamming doors and drawers will help. I would appreciate it if you could show me the courtesy I show you while you're sleeping.
• Whats the difference between the NY Yankees and the AU Men's Basketball team? One is an overrated bunch of guys with no discernible fundamental skills, the other is the NY Yankees. (For those unfamiliar with these things called sports, AU lost to Randolph Macon, a Division 3 team, on Tuesday).
• My friends and I have nicknames for the people we see but don't know the names of, based on their appearances (Dreads Girl, Quentin Tarantino, Smiley Guy) and it makes me wonder what people call me.
• I'm tired of all the disparaging crap that gets said among fraternities. We get it, you guys don't like each other for some childish reason. But contrary to popular belief, hating on each other doesn't prove anything. So how about doing something to make yourself better people instead of wasting time making yourselves look like immature jackasses? Putting down other people doesn't make you look any smarter, funnier or cooler.
• I like to think that my anthropology professor dons a fedora and a whip on the weekends, and watches Nazis get their faces melted off by sex/gender/culture related artifacts (because everyone knows the two with Nazis are the best of the series).
• Why are you in the Anderson Honors Lounge if you are not an honors student? We really don't appreciate you ruining our environment with your petty conversation. Please stay away, the rest of us all know each other, and you're not welcome here!!!!!
• Increase in tuition?! YOU'RE KILLING ME, SMALLS.
• To the roommate that no one likes, We actually are in cahoots against you. And we only pretend that we're asleep when you get home. Please leave us alone, and don't eat our cake.
• People who open doors by pressing the handicapped button: you're not handicapped. I know it's a lot of stress to have to open doors and actually use your arms, but if you could try to be a little bit less of a lazy asshole I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.
• Can we get the Bobs from Office Space to solve the Tavern?
• Dear Girls in Anderson two: Why are there paper towels all over the floor everyday!? The bin is right under the tissue dispenser, just put it in!!
• Dear Charlie, you are the hottest guy at AU hands down. The highlight of my week is usually seeing you on the quad, please notice girl in blue. EDITOR'S NOTE: I am extremely flattered ... and single.
• Can The Eagle just adopt some sort of classified ads so I can stop reading all this bullshit?
• To the guy in my Imperialism and Revolution class. Please be quiet, your questions are not relevant to the class discussion at all! The professor picks you last because he knows you are going to say something stupid, for example comparing Roosevelt's speech to the kettle is blacker than the pot. There is no connection there!
• Dear Dumbass, When I tell you that I have a five-page paper, NO, that's not cool! When I am in my pajamas, NO, that's not cute! And when you piss on the seat, feel free to wipe it off and put the lid down! K bye
• To the Sweatpanting Athlete Haters, Typically, (speaking for myself) I have better things to do at 5:20 a.m. when I wake up in the morning to concern myself over what I will wear that day. Maybe you should judge us based on who we are rather than what we wear. And hell, you might be surprised at what you find beneath these sweatpants! Comfortably Dressed Athlete
• Who's the wingnut who keeps putting up Beeler cartoons from the Examiner?
• Dear Eagle: Please write a nice long piece on the Female Orgasm presentation coming to AU in two weeks. I really want to know what the speakers have to say, but I am too embarrassed to attend myself. I have had zero orgasms in my one-year relationship with my boyfriend, but I don't have the heart to tell him that. Help me out here. Thanks.
• Intelligent Guy with morals, It is rather elitist, but also very non-committal so also safe. Then again, there's the fact that you could actually be some old guy creeping on The Eagle's Web site ... because there are probably creepers like that out there. Mmm.
• The Perch should eat shit and die. "Instacider" is just the latest in their half-assed approach to being a coffeehouse. No self-respecting hipster would be caught dead in there.
• To the ranter who just discovered Soapnet: My ex-roomie got me addicted to it last year. It was fun while it lasted, but NOT hooking up my cable this year was probably the best academic decision I've made all fall.
• Today's question in the "AU Threesome" column was totally stolen verbatim from a Web site, it's interesting that the writers play off it as if it were directed to them three "sexperts" (HA) from an AU student. Some column. LAME.
• How fucking useless is the health center? I go in, trying to get a medication, they make an appointment for three days later, I come in only to be told THEN that not only can the person who saw me NOT prescribe drugs, I can't even get a prescription unless I have a bunch of goddamn papers. Really, incompetent secretary? You couldn't have said anything about that before this? Oh, and of course the guy who actually can prescribe me ISN'T FUCKING AVAILABLE UNTIL THE MIDDLE OF THANKSGIVING BREAK!!! I'm surprised that group of blindingly incompetent fools hasn't managed to burn the building down out of their sheer idiocy. Screw you guys, seriously.
• To all my professors: Stop assigning me so much work. I know you think you're my only class and so I can devote all my time to you...but you're not, and I can't. I have other things I want/need to do. And I really do not need to have a panic attack now.
• Hey Zeta Psi brother dressed as a pirate for Halloween, can I board your gangplank? You're so adorable!
• Bisexual girls are amazing. My girlfriend picks out girls to join us in bed. I love my life.
• I want to join the couple looking for a threesome, but my boyfriend said no. :(
Dear Editor, In regards to your question: publish 100 percent of Eagle Rants. No censorship. EDITOR'S NOTE: We'll get sued.
• Eagle Rants are the best part of AU.
• If I burn myself on one more hot plate in TDR because they took away the trays, I am going to throw my plate at someone.
• The reason students have to risk their lives on Massachusetts Avenue is because the WCL shuttle pauses at Katzen for about 15 seconds not nearly enough time for the light to change and AU students to cross the street.
• How come there are no electrical plugs outside Hurst Hall? I love sitting outside studying the building, but my laptop keeps running out of batteries.
• Does anyone else agree that socioeconomic diversity on campus doesn't exist?
• Do you ever see the same person wearing the same outfit all of the time? It's a little disquieting ... like, do they have no other clothes? This isn't a once every couple of weeks, or even once a week thing either. This is an every day occurrence. Is this person wearing a personal uniform? Do they have some sort of condition? Help me Eagle Rants, I must know!
• I think it's lame when people go to parties only to isolate themselves in rooms and smoke weed, and then stay there until they leave the party. What's the point if you're not going to socialize with anyone at the party?
• It's two in the morning, and I have sooooo much work to do, but I can't stop, won't stop Eagle Ranting.
• Sometimes I want to run around the dorms, destroying ceiling tiles and wreaking other kinds of havoc on other floors just because some douchebag from another floor punched out all of my floor's ceiling tiles during Fall Break. Enjoy the floor charges!
• Eagle Rants brings out my most hateful and judgmental side, but I'm okay with that. Thanks, The Eagle!
• To the sloppy mess who vomited outside of my door the night before Halloween, your inability to use good judgment regarding where you vomit and inability to control your bodily functions is not only disgusting, but I feel like you should apologize to the Aramark workers who had to come at 9 a.m. Saturday morning and clean it up. You're a filthy degenerate.
• I'm so busy, my body doesn't have time to carry out its natural biological functions, but I will gladly make time to find the students that are featured in The Eagle's Worst Week Ever and punch them all in the face.
• What the fuck is "an open relationship" on Facebook? You're either single or you're not. Pick a side already!
• It pisses me off when I hold the door open for a girl and she gives me some skeezedout look like I want to get in her pants. It pisses me off even more when I hold the door open for a guy and he doesn't pick up on the fact that I want to get in his pants.
• To the guy who works the desk in Hughes and is ALWAYS smiling: Keep smiling. Makes me happy.
• Dear American University Model U.N's eBoard, Not only are you guys completely inefficient, but also your president is also incredibly rude and unhelpful. Let me ask you a question, Ms. President: Why on earth would you decide to be president of a club that you express little to no interest in, and furthermore, seem to know nothing about. How about using the meetings to go over some parliamentary procedure? You guys, on the whole, seem to be really arrogant. I mean really, you'd like to ask American for your scholarship in cash? What kind of a thing is that to say in public? Your elitist attitudes, disorganization, and lethargic president make you all the antithesis of what MUN is about. You should be ashamed. No, you should just get it together. The AUMUNC Secretariat seems to be the only one who has his business in order. Maybe you should take a leaf out of his book. Signed, a very discontented delegate.
• Highlight of the weekend: Sammy Halloween party. Who was that dapper young tortoise?
• Why can't the panini and salad places in MGC take meal swipes? I'm broke and reallyyyy sick of crappy TDR and Tavern food...
• Since when did Eagle Rants become an online dating service?
• The simplicity is gone out of life. Crap. Quarter life semi crisis? Yep.
• Dear registrar, you fail at life. Kthxbai.
• Wow, daylight savings sucks. I am suddenly stricken with mild depression ... and perhaps self-doubt? I gotta get me some b6 or something, the shit's crazy. Or, I could just crank up some Christmas tunes and start a dance party.
• When did Halloween become National DressLikeASlut Day? Contrary to popular belief, you can dress up for Halloween without looking like a whore.
