Today's trending topics: Phonathoners rant from their underground vault, The Eagle is still terrible and our editor in chief gets some serious love.
Today's top rant: Dear person who found my ID this weekend, Thank you for turning it in. However, I see that you used it at the Anderson vending machines several times before you did so. I understand that that is cheaper than my having to buy a new ID. You didn't have to turn it in at all. But still, really? Not very classy...
Why walk around MGC/TDR barefoot? Gross. I don't want your foot-flu!
Jen Calantone is the most bootylicious EIC in Eagle history.
Anderson showers suck. I understand low-flow saves money, but seriously, my shower is 3x longer just attempting to rinse shampoo out of my hair. Bring back the water pressure!
Why don't more people clog?
More boys should wear sweaters/sweater-vests. And leather satchels. HOT.
I have $$ if you return my navy blue Raleigh bike!
Why doesn't The Eagle have more gay writers? What a bunch of homophobes.
The Eagle should have a column for funny quotes from AUSG senators.
Why does NOW Bash Letterman, but they let Clinton off for doing the same things?
My roommate owes me his first-born child. He's naming him "Lord Furious Blitzkreig."
There was a raccoon outside of the AU Library. This isn't a rant. I just thought it was cute.
What does it say that on Friday when Andrew and Company went out to Guapo's they couldn't figure out a 15 percent tip? Are they bad tippers or just bad at math?
If EcoSense wanted to do something to make AU better they would ban The Eagle.
I can now count to 14. Do you know what that means?
Am I the only one who read the 84-page Student Handbook? FML.
Here Comes Dr. Tran!
I heard in UVA during Finals week, their library smells like pee. Thank God for AU.
Life in the library at 4 a.m. sucks.
What's with the three absences rule? What happened to the days of no one cares if you go to class as long as you can pass in the end? Sometimes, its so worth it to skip that 9:55 when you've been up since 3 a.m. ... c'mon AU, lighten up!
Damn. My roommate is loud, obnoxious and messy. Also, he kills people.
Another good one Housing and Dining ... No Showtime in the dorms, no MASN in the dorms and now no TBS means we get no first two rounds of the MLB playoffs. Why can we get these specialty channels, but we can't get basic friggin' cable?
Why do my roommates always enter the room at the *worst* times? When do they actually leave? What's a boy and his right hand to do?
Letts 1st Floor. Way better than Anderson 4.
Can you tell me why I ended up stranded at the Watergate at 3 a.m. last Friday? When I started out my night at Skye Bar.
Phonathon: Where Dreams Go to Die
Am I the only one who was turned on by the Breastival?
Sometimes I identify with Tracy Flick from 'Election' more than anyone really should...
People at this school are such rich whiners. Does Daddy's money let you shop at Whole Foods and buy expensive booze every week? EDITOR'S NOTE: Is this rhetorical? I'm not so sure. I think the answer for most people would be ... yes. Judge not lest ye be judged.
It is NOT ok to (loudly) answer your cell phone in the library and remain in your seat when having a (loud) conversation on it. Even if you're on the third floor. Go to the stairwell or at least pretend you're trying to keep your voice down. Thanks.
I think that American should impose a weight loss initiative, mainly due to the fact that we just can't fit anymore goddamn people on the bus ... a secondary thought to the initiative should be that farting in someone's face in such close quarters should be made into a federal offense. Signed- An unfortunate victim
To the guy who walked me home that night: I'm interested! Ask me out on a date! Do it!
Is it possible to steal electricity? I forgot to pay the electric bill for my apartment.
Dear couple hooking up at the door of the Perch, We can see you! And it's awkward on a Monday night. This is not a frat house. We serve coffee, not Jungle Juice. Love, The kids you are distracting in The Perch
Dear AU liberal know-it-alls: Contrary to popular belief, you do not know it all.
ShOuT OuTz To MaH GuRrLzZz! (remember when people typed like that? ... in fifth grade?)
Hey Perch, coffee in the morning is pretty standard. HEY PERCH. COFFEE IN THE MORNING IS PRETTY STANDARD.
Dear judgmental people, I love getting wasted every weekend and getting a 4.0. It can be done!
Dear "hipster intellectuals," You told me you cared about the environment, so stop throwing your cigarettes everywhere. Gross.
MARRY ME, JEN CALANTONE
The Wicked Awesome Wombats are totes gonna dominate at Phonathon Fantasy Football. I'm just saying.
Dear Halo-Hottie, I'm pretty sure the boys next door were playing Mario Kart - far less gasm - worthy than Halo. Or Call of Duty, for that matter. <3, Little Ms. Whiney
Please keep the rants going, but make them funnier. Love, AU Phoneathon
Is The Eagle EIC single? Would she go out with me? Does she even read these?
Riddle me this: Shakakhan.
I find it interesting that everyone has something to say about Leonard 7 but nothing about Anderson terrace. Are you kidding?!
To the chaperone at the DG hayride: Thanks for being a cockblock and extending my dry spell.
If Laura wasn't so hot, I'd never have made it through Student Activities' Financial 101 workshop.
Last week's rants were beyond idiotic. You are all a bunch of total assholes with small minds, petty problems, bad attitudes, and I hate you all more than I hate Jimmy Carter, if that's humanly possible!! Now that's a rant. Read and learn. EDITOR'S NOTE: Rants never have been, and never will be, billed as anything but idiotic, base entertainment. Thanks sa much!
Dear AEPi, not only are the vast majority of you arrogant and classless jerks, but your parties happen to bring out the worst in women. Don't think that you own this campus because you can get some trashy girls to get wasted at your house. Also, stop throwing the football in front of the Anderson lobby. Nobody is impressed by your perfect, 5-yard throws.
I hope the university realizes that the dry campus policy is stupid. Let's ban alcohol from campus, so that students have to go to unsafe frat houses off campus, get drunk and then drive or walk back. Brilliant.
Hey Charlie, you should ask me out sometime. EDITOR'S NOTE: Done. Let's go out. I assume you have my number.
Tenley Cafe: Where is my chocolate ice cream! It has been a WEEK and there is no chocolate. I am a girl. I NEED my chocolatey goodness to give me endorphines and make me happy! I WANT MY CHOCOLATE!!!
