Today's trending topics: Rants turns into AU's classified ads, people are still really looking for "intelligent guys/girls," and YOU BETTER NOT MAKE NOISE IN THE LIBRARY.
Today's top Rant: • Overheard on the Quad: Two Sorority Girls sitting on benches "Hey, I was walking through one of those Parent's Weekend Luncheons yesterday and I saw Neil Kerwin. Is it weird that I think he's cute?" "Wait, is that the kid in AEPi?" "No! He's the President of AU, stupid!" "AU has a President?"
• Why can't the Eagle's Nest carry magnum-sized condoms?
• Curly haired couple in the Dav, I see your hair everywhere!
• Someone's mom came to our class. No one claimed her. I think she's homeless and not someone's mom.
• I had a question for the sex column, but it doesn't seem to be here. I have this crush on another guy. My problem is that I'm pro-life and he's pro-choice. While he and I can't have children, it's more the idea that if we had children he would be OK with killing them. Is this enough to kill a relationship?
• Alright, I'll confess. I'm not gay... but I like it when girls think I am :)
• Did anyone notice the GLBT History Month flag on campus the other day? It's put in the corner where no one can see it!
• Check out those hot Asian girls at the Tavernnnnnn...
• Dear Hallmates, I don't give a damn if someone did take a giant shit in the toilet last night, it doesn't give you an excuse to run around screaming like chimpanzees on crack at 1:45 in the morning.
• Dear Eagle, Whenever I see a girl I know, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light Facebook stalking.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu ... yeah, if you suck at it.
• That's enough, Nickelback.
• AU needs to offer classes that I actually care about, like "What the hell women are thinking and how you can figure it out without making yourself look like a dumbass in the process."
• I have no problem with people farting in public, but who farts on the fucking quiet floor of the library? Idiots.
• Dear Roomie, If you have a problem with my friends and me, tell me. Don't just Eagle Rant about it. EDITOR'S NOTE: We sincerely hope that you will both talk to your friends and ALSO Eagle Rant about it.
• Dear Girl Next to me in Comm. Class: Now is not a good time to have cyber sex with your boyfriend. Everyone around you can see your AIM window. Please wait until after class. I'm going to barf.
• Overheard on Centennial 3, guy on the phone: If you're, like, four hours off, that's when you know you're trashed. ... That's because when I'm high I just sit in my bed and eat Cheez-Its. ... You know what we need? I saw an animal the other day, and I was like, that's what we need!
• To the straight girls who constantly rant about the high number of "gay" males on campus - I'm sick and tired of your nonsensical banter. It won't get you anywhere. We're not going to change. STFU or transfer to Georgetown.
• Why is student Senate so obsessed with witch hunts and "oversight"? Please get over yourselves — in a couple of years, no one will give a shit that you were even on Senate. Calm down and get a life.
• Who is that old guy in glasses and a trench coat always creeping around the Mudbox?? No ... seriously?
• Intelligent boy with morals, We need to do something about this then. — Intelligent girl with morals
• To the cute guy in my U.S. Foreign Policy class, You have the nicest smile and the best laugh I have ever been exposed to. You are also the only reason why I get up so early to go to class. Sincerely, — Your unofficial library partner P.S- Speak more often! Your accent is amazing!
• Library. Five Words: Shut the fuck up iaamdoingahugepaper.
• For all the Phonathon workers that just complain.... If you have an issue with working at the Phonathon, QUIT... I work at Phonathon, and I don't enjoy getting lectured because you are stupid enough to write shit about the place that you are employed. Please and thanks!
• To whoever likes to bash frat boys in this week's rants: Maybe you should get to know some of us first. We're not all douchebags. In fact, you're the douche for judging all of us. Douche.
• Dear smart pretty girl in my Russian history class, You are really intelligent and also happen to be really pretty. I wish I had the courage to ask you out. You seem really interesting, maybe if we keep talking I can do it.
• My 80-year-old professor just made a sex joke in class...
• It's 4 a.m. in the library... Good morning Asians!
• Sleep? What's that? ALL NIGHTERS BABY!!!!
• Hey ladies, unless you are about to have sex with me, I DO NOT CARE HOW DRUNK YOU GET. GET OVER YOURSELF ALREADY.
• Dear Editor: What percent of the Eagle Rants are published? EDITOR'S NOTE: We've been publishing about 70 percent (that's extremely un-scientific). Should we publish more or less? Let us know!
• To the person who returned my iPhone. I don't know who you are, but you are a wonderful person. I will pay it forward.
• To the hot guy in my IR research class — I'm so excited we're having lunch today. I hope it doesn't end at that!
• I feel like I'm so over this. AU, you're great and old, but there are bigger and better things to see. Two and a half years to go!!
• I don't think my professor understands that the students (myself included) in my second year class do not know how to write a graduate level policy paper without any guidance. Um...this is going to be interesting.
• Why is Sammy gaining legitimacy amongst the freshman class? Can't you all see that they're the biggest losers on campus?
• Dear RA on my floor, You are so hot. And now that you dyed your hair, you are even hotter. You can JAMS me anytime you want if you know what I mean... EDITOR'S NOTE: I believe the term is "SCCRS" now.
• To the red head in my econ class, I heard that being a gutless emotional child is the best way to pick up girls so I'll anonymously profess my love to you in a rant.
• Dear Concerned in Class, Hahahahahaha — you're so right.
• Last time I checked rants do not = pussy footing around someone you're mildly attracted to. Rants = preaching the word of Danny Glover. He's getting too old for your shit.
• I went to the bookstore today and bought an AU shot glass. "Dry" campus my ass.
• Dear AU girls, Maybe if half of you didn't come to AU in long-distance relationships with douchebags a thousand miles away, you'd have more luck as a group. Let go of your high school boy toys and move on with your life, seriously.
• Dear FIFA fanatics: Hope your enjoying your obnoxiously loud game: it's the only chance of scoring you'll get all year.
• If you go to the library, especially the third floor, keep your mouths shut. The library is not a place to have a conversation, a social gathering, or fun. If you're on the third floor and you're just there for the novelty of spending a night "working" in the library, you're pretty much just pissing off all of us athletes who are stuck here eight hours a week and more for study hall. Basically, if you're in the library with a group of friends, either go in a study room or SHUT UP.
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