TDR is always full of surprises. Especially when I find pubic hair in my food.
Dear Eagle: You need to list nutritional information about your newspaper. How many calories? How many grams of fat, and serving suggestions...
I think the athletes can agree, drug tests take the fun out of life.
People putting food on their plate at TDR. Move faster! There are starving kids directly behind you!
I wish I could be a freshman again ... just so I could relive my days of slutiness and whorishness.
I rant therefore I am.
I'm tired of everyone hating on Jersey. There is a huge N.J. population at this school. Get over it! We pump our fists, not our gas - deal!
EDITOR'S NOTE: It is illegal to pump gas in the great state of New Jersey. That's why this is witty and comedic.
I am the real Gossip Girl. Bow to me. I know all.
To Ugly Girl: I don't hate you because you're ugly. I hate you because your personality sucks, and you annoy me.
To the guy I met out, stop texting me at 2 a.m. telling me to come to your room. Just because you're on the basketball team doesn't mean I automatically want to @#$% you!
Peeing in the shower should be more accepted at this school.
To my Hot RA: I refer to you as Hot RA to other people because you're hot. Just saying...
Since moving into an apartment, I no longer need to post rants about how everyone is so loud. Now what am I going to do with my free time? Homework? Pleeeeease.
To whoever unscrewed the front wheel of my bike near the library: NOT FUNNY!!!
I just heard a loud fart from the other side of my apartment. I'm the only one here.
I sat in my room the other night contemplating my existence and feeling depressed. Turns out I just needed to take a dump.
Can the heterosexual women on Eagle Rants please quit whining about the unavailability of gay men? You're not entitled to our cocks just because we have a Y chromosome. Be happy 90 percent of the male population is potentially interested in you, instead of 10 percent. Thanks.
Dear girl who's always at TDR — are you the TDR ambassador or something? Try hitting up The Tavern sometime. They take meal swipes too.
My TA doesn't have a Facebook. He is clearly a social recluse. Too bad, he was kind of cute.
There's a girl at my internship who looks exactly like Hayden Panettiere ... and I keep wanting to ask her if she's a cheerleader so I can save the world.
Thank God for nice security guards.
To the kid talking about the cute conservative girl in politics class, I wonder if you're talking about my roommate. I would like her a lot more if she wasn't so conservative.
Not only are the freshmen incredibly boring, as pointed out by previous Eagle Rants, they are also stupid, according to an article in The Eagle. Way to let everyone down 2013. EDITOR'S NOTE: I believe this is a gross misinterpretation of our article.
One of my short-term goals for the semester is having an entire edition of Eagle Rants comprised solely of my rants. Slow and steady wins the race!
I was the first person to use the Sassy Chef moniker on my TDR comment card, and no one believes me!
Yo, Eagle! Re: Constructive criticism. That WAS the constructive criticism. Learn to WRITE. WELL. EDITORS NOTE: Oh ... um. OK. Thanks?
If I see one more able-bodied person hit the wheelchair button to open doors, I will make sure that next time they will have a legitimate reason for using it. Because they will be in a wheelchair.
WHERE ON EARTH ARE THE FRESHMAN GAYS?
I left the layout comment last time. The editors responded with "layout? really?" What I meant was, online layout. Clearly, because no one reads the print version. Let me restate: the online layout SUCKS!! I hate it! EDITOR'S NOTE: Clearly, people read the paper. It's amazing how those newspapers disappear from the racks.
It's like my grandfather once told me... gators, fox, minks that necessary. Accessories? My closet's pet cemetery.
Someone told me my car's the same color as fluoride. What the #@%$ color is fluoride?
Is it possible for The Eagle to write a review of my memoirs which I'm shopping around right now? Tentatively titled "Goosebumps: The Scarecrow Walks At Midnight."
Charlie Szold has the pride of a lion, the majesty of a peacock, the eyes of an eagle, the dorsal fins of a dolphin and the eating abilities of an anteater. EDITORS NOTE: I can dig it.
Teen Wolf or Teen Wolf 2? You be the judge.
Jafar had a pet parrot that could talk. It was also evil and voiced by Gilbert Godfrey.
At the bar on Tuesday, met what seems like a nice girl, good dancer. Wrong. Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl was poison.
My mind's tellin' me no. But my body, my body's telling me yes. I don't wanna hurt nobody but there is something I must confess. I don't see nothing wrong with a little bump-n'-grind here.
You'd think people on this campus would learn from their goddamn mistakes. Last week he shrunk his kids, and now Rick Moranis is blowing up his kid. What's next? Is he gonna shrink himself?
AU and the MoCoPo have a contract wherein MoCoPo reports offenses to AU. Then, we get JAMS. Thanks AU, really.
MORE RANTS PLEASE xoxo, Phonathon
I HATE Miley Cyrus. Hate. And she's everywhere. Half the time I can't even tell it's her to switch radio stations...it pisses me off.
You think I look funny? Well, I think you look funny too. So HAH.
I'm sorry I submitted so many rants... NOT.
Dear girl next door, I'm bored, you're bored, let's bone. From, A guy on Centennial 2.
Dear Andy, It's a tough act to follow, so don't feel bad for you for not being able to get out of the eclipsing shadow that is the legacy of the Cutter administration.
Dear Seth Cutter, Please take back your rightful throne at the head of the American University Student Government.
Why are professors obsessed with Twitter? Seriously, it's a poor man's Facebook, get over it.
Nine out of 10 guys on this campus remind me of Butters from South Park.
When is the next Women's Initiative bake sale?
More controversial sex columns please!
Alex, I think you need a drink.
Glenn Beck should replace all of the teachers in SPA ... I've had enough of the lies, and I'm ready to learn the truth!
Glenn Beck for president ... of the SG!
Yo social conservatives, I'm really happy for you and I'ma let you finish, but the 21st century is pretty awesome.
