I like when you can tell that the same person writes several rants in a row. Part of me thinks they should get a life, and the other part thinks well, at least they're having fun.
Do you ever feel like there is something more out there? That what you're living right now just isn't it? Like there's something greater out there to experience? Like we just aren't living it? I do.
I see this girl with red hair near ATV all the time. I think she's in a sorority. I wish she'd become part of my regular scheduled programming.
You should pause and take time to examine your own drives for doing whatever it is that you're doing. Ask "Why?" Really strive to understand - it isn't so pretty, is it?
If they take the trays away in TDR, I will kill a tree a day until they come back. You have my word.
I'm tired of feeling like Molly Ringwald in "16 Candles" - when will my Jake Ryan buy me my cake?!
To my gingery PILF: I forgive you for being completely incompetent every time you turn around to misspell something on the board.
I feel like I don't know any lesbians on this campus. It's very disheartening. Is this true, or is it just my perception that most of the girls in Queers and Allies are the allies?
I'm tired of being a virgin. Somebody - preferably a lanky, dark, bearded somebody - please put me out of my misery.
It's easy to be "vegetarian friendly," AU. WE NEED A VEGAN EATERY ON CAMPUS!!! FALAFELS, ANYONE??? and, newsflash TDR chefs: VEGETARIANS CAN EAT VEGAN FOOD. VEGANS CANNOT EAT VEGETARIAN FOOD. Jeez Louise...
The new transfer men's basketball player is like a tall drink of water, and I am reeeeally thirsty.
Dear secret admirer of Erik, I Facebooked all the Eriks at AU and one had a picture holding a panda bear ... He's sooo cute! You might have competition. NEW Secret admirer of Erik!
Dear Letts Girl, When we are loud, knock on our door and tell us to quiet down and we will gladly cooperate. Please don't scream "It's Quiet Hours Motherfuckers" and then go and slam your door waking the entire floor up. Love, Neighbors
To the girl next to me at Girl Talk, I thought you were really pretty, sorry for falling on you and feeling you up ...
Dear leader of our student club: We are not a sorority. If you want to be in a sorority, then go join one. I don't give a shit about having fun with you. I joined the club because I believe in the club's mission, not because I want to boost your ego.
Dear Gregg Gillis, Why did you cut your hair? Why were no garments rent?? Sure, you slid out of your sweaty undershirt and flung it into the crowd, but ripping is wayyy more effective. AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS??? Love, Disappointed Objectifyer
I hooked up with a giant teddy bear ... At least I think I did ... the night's a bit fuzzy!
To my neighbor who can't seem to appreciate classical music, fuck you. Go listen to some more U2 and ponder life's mysteries.
Almost everyone at AU was a loser in high school. I stepped on you back then, just cuz you're amongst your own kind now doesn't mean I won't continue to do so.
Why is everyone at AU so weird? You all make me think I grew up in a bubble. My friends from home go to colleges with normal kids. How did you all wind up here?
Screw the damn vegetarians who judge me for eating meat. Here's what I'm gonna do next time: I'm going to pile every kind of meat onto my plate that I possibly can. Then I'm going to blend up some hot dogs and drink it right in front of you.
Hey you, you stopped me in the pouring rain to introduce yourself, and sent in a song request for "Ship in a Bottle." Can we please talk more? You seem pretty fucking awesome.
I feel like a few of these angry rants might be directed at people like me ... or actually me. I realize this, and I don't care. I am still going to judge you and your personal life, and I am most definitely still going to laugh at you. All I ask is that you do the same to me.
Dear girls who I dated/hooked up with but stopped seeing, You can stop giving me those reproachful looks every time we run into each other. No matter how much you look like Eeyore, I still don't feel sorry for you. Ever think that there was a reason we stopped hanging out?
To my roommate: maybe if you admitted you were wrong once in a while and take a look in the mirror, you'd have a date for the first time in a year. You are not God's gift. Grow up.
Ask me about the time I sat on a bench in Alabama waiting for a bus and recounted my incredible life story to a series of strangers.
Dear "Get over yourself, you go to AU", If AU is not as good a school as you say, then why do you go here? AU is a perfectly respectable institution, and although as a whole we rank 83rd in the nation, many of our programs are some of the top in this nation. If you have a problem with this, then go to one of those higher-ranking state schools. You'll do us all a favor.
I get that you love your fraternity/sorority and that you're proud to be a part of it, that's great! Just don't make me feel inferior and act like a stuck-up asshole to me because I chose not to join one.
Every time I hear ROTC kids complain they get up at 4 a.m., I think ... wait till they are in the REAL Army, that'd be sleeping in. Man up and shut up. EDITOR'S NOTE: This guy is a real jerk ... let him have it RANTERS!
Charlie Szold, I always forget it's you that's reading these.
Dear girl down the hall, when you sing along to your awful rap music my ears bleed. Please stop!
Yeah, I ride a tricycle what's the big deal? Ask me if you want to know why, don't just stare.
To the girl who wanted to be asked out in Monday's issue - which class was it? I think it may be about me. Please be more specific!
Dear boy down the hall, You are one of my best friends, but you can't tell me you don't feel the sexual tension too.
To those who complain about abroad students bragging too much: I AM VERY PROUD OF MY TRIP ABROAD AND I DON'T CARE IF IT BOTHERS YOU!! I worked extra jobs during the summer to pay for it and I made the most of every moment while there. Maybe you should get your lazy, broke ass of the couch and broaden your horizons.
I have a crush on the boy with glasses in my World Politics class. He is so adorable in a geeky way. I wish he would talk to me.
Dear nerdy boy who sits in front of me in class, I am very attracted to you. You are so engaged in the class. You provoke interesting discussions, challenge the professor, and always bring up examples from other classes. I look forward to coming to class just so I can hear what you have to say. But you don't even know I exist. [sadface] Love, Your secret admirer
Why does the Eagle over-attribute every article?! Every line is according to some press release or said by someone. Have any of your editors ever read a real news article? This is horrible, clumsy writing.
I don't say hi because I don't think you remember meeting me.
Haha there is an epic battle ensuing between bitter students and equally bitter student-athletes ... I only feel a little guilty that I think it's really fun!
To the people in my line: Guess what? When I ask you if you want a bag, I am not asking you for your opinion on global warming. And your joke about saving the environment is SO ORIGINAL! NO ONE has ever made that joke before! HAHAHA ... so funny. Just say yes or no and save me the hilarity.
Dear roommates, Just because the two of you are awake does not entitle you to discuss asinine bullshit at very loud decibels and turn on the hellish fluorescent light. Furthermore, your hairspray and perfume pollute the atmosphere of our tiny room, causing me to avoid it at all times except to sleep. Also, your pounds of makeup do not make you any more attractive (or rather less hideous). I can't wait to move out.
I propose that we enact a moratorium on the term "hook up." If you don't have the courage to say you "had sex," "made out," "entered a relationship," or even "met" with someone, then don't say it at all. No need to use such an ambiguous term to frustrate all of us.
I know you can count to 12. But I wanted you to count to 15 before hitting the button. Learn how to count to 15 next time. EDITOR'S NOTE: Is this in reference to the last edition of Eagle Rants, where someone ranted about counting to 12? What the hell is going on here?
Thanks to Subway, Box Lunch and poor TDR selection I have eaten seven sandwiches in two days.
I love that we have a day without trays in TDR. Every day should be tray-less. People are just lazy.
I am not glaring at you on the elliptical; I am glaring at the elliptical. It is the personification of evil.
Dear Basketball Ref: You're pretty cute. I like the mole on your upper right hand. Next time you see me in TDR come over and say "hi" I would love to do some dribbling and shooting with you.
To the smart girl with brown hair and glasses who sits next to the heavy kid in my logic class, you're cute.
If they take the trays away at TDR, I will dedicate my life to silently and efficiently killing endangered animals.
Ask me about my about my night alone with John Stockton.
