The Eagle recently reported that Housing and Dining has begun evaluating plans for the empty retail space in the tunnel, which has been vacant for the three-and-a-half years I've been at AU. Apparently the space's limited size and lack of an exhaust system make it a difficult sell to any potential food vendor. In fact, to get around the inability to cook anything, one of the options being discussed involves trucking in already cooked food, reheating it and then serving it to hungry undergraduates.
Hmm ... something smells like microwaved General Tso. If the only option for food involves "reheating," I think we'd best stick to retail. To help guide the debate, I've compiled a top-five list of great ideas for the tunnel space. AU administrators and Student Government, take note. These are sure to be winners.
BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP
The AU Campus Store sells teddy bears. Generic teddy bears with vacant stares and ill-fitting AU sweatshirts. But there is nothing generic about AU. We're a fiercely independent breed, and we like to do things our own way. In short, we're the type of people who want to assemble our own plush toys. And with a campus Build-A-Bear Workshop, we finally can. Each fall, delighted prospective students will carefully assemble their new "President Neil Kerwin" bear, complete with a plastic broom accessory for sweeping up lingering ethical transgressions from our past president.
PET STORE
I still remember the Housing and Dining joke told at New Student Orientation about pets - if it fits in a fish tank, you can keep it in your dorm room. The AU Pet Store will fulfill all of your wildest animal desires, providing easy access to puppies and kitties that will actually fit in fish tanks. The selection won't stop there, though. Students can purchase hamsters, fish, birds and lizards. Just think - the next time your resident assistant knocks on the door hunting for a violation, just slip your new pet snake under the door. Suddenly, the five warm Keystone Lights on your desk are the least of anyone's concerns.
RADIOSHACK
I'm glad that there's still a store in America where you can find analog voice recorders, radio-control cars and radio transistors all on the same shelf. Dorm life will be revolutionized, as students outfit their rooms with technological gadgetry not seen since 1983. RadioShack also sells metal detectors, a first semester essential for south side residents anxious to find out if the Letts-Anderson quad is still riddled with World War I chemical weapons. And when you finally dig up the shrapnel, you can make your own art by soldering on a few LEDs, a battery, maybe a voice box and sending it for display in the Katzen Museum. How wonderfully Bohemian!
PAYDAY LOAN CENTER
College students are always short of cash. They're also notoriously bad at making rational financial decisions. Now we can combine the two at the new AU Payday Loan Center! Let me put it this way: you'll obviously need some extra cash to finance the Tenley Vodka purchase for next Friday's party. Now you can get the advance you need without waiting for payday to roll around. Simply take the last pay stub from your 10-hour/week job sleeping at the front desk of the dorms and cash it behind the bullet proof glass at the AU Payday Loan Center. After unquestioned approval, you'll be all set to enter a fantastical and never-ending cycle of drinking, hangovers and collection agencies.
A PEA IN THE POD
For how many pregnancy tests the Student Health Center seems to administer, this idea fits AU as well as stretch-jeans at 26 weeks. Just imagine: you break your arm, head down to the Health Center (during normal business hours only), get diagnosed, not with a compound fracture as you expected, but pregnancy, then drop by the tunnel to pick out a nice baby onesie (EagleBuck$ accepted and baby showers hosted!).
Carl Seip is a senior in the School of Public Affairs and the AU issues columnist for The Eagle. You can reach him at edpage@theeagleonline.com.
