Since we are in the heat of the election season and judgment day is just around the corner, I figured I would inform the public about a newfound discovery: the Web sites ObamaCondoms.com, McCainCondoms.com and ThePalinCondom.com.
Benjamin Sherman, Practice Safe Policy's vice president of marketing, said in a press release that "our intention is to expose the unspoken, steamy connection between getting elected and getting laid. But we also wanted to remind the voters, both young and old, to Practice Safe Policy."
Each site has a hilarious catch phrase that will please both our election-minded campus and our excited private parts. I'd like to share a slogan but please, visit each site because it is well worth your time. Plus, buy a few for your hot and steamy nights!
Thepalincondom.com said "When abortion is not an option ... If you're finding that your encounters with your mate are turning into a 'bridge to nowhere,' wear Palin condoms. Limited edition Palin condoms are the perfect gift for the sharpshooter or moose hunter of the family."
Practice Safe Policy sums it up the best: "Take [your] favorite candidates out of the living room and into the bedroom ... Where the real game of politics is played."
In light of our overwhelming attention to the real issues of this presidential campaign, this column will focus on the top five real issues in dealing with foreplay.
1. Vaginas are not black holes.
Vaginas do not extend into oblivion. Some girls may want it hard, but you absolutely cannot start out that way. You have to go slowly, gently and maybe even tease a girl's private parts before moving to hardcore. Fingernails hurt. Ramming is a bad way to start out. When dealing with going down on a chick, you need to remember that paying attention to her reactions is crucial. Overall, however, slow and tender teasing is a must before getting into your full on jam session.
2. Penises do not like teeth.
Even if you may like biting (I certainly don't, but to each his own), when you go down on guys you must keep your teeth at bay. Maybe you can try these other tricks to make sure your teeth do not get in the way. Use your mouth and hand so that you can use your lips and tongue more than the entirety of your mouth. Guys love a lot of tongue, kissing and fondling. Also, as I stated above, you wouldn't want things to start off at a rapid speed, so make sure you don't go into this at full frenzy. Lick it like a lollipop.
3. Do not underestimate erogenous zones.
Oh come on, neck kissing! How could things get any better? Neck, ears, chest (we'll get to chest), inner thighs, love handles, appendages, playing with the hair! Oh my goodness, just thinking about it! Do not forget about these fundamental zones and do not cut your time short on any of them, either.
4. Nipples.
Both guys and girls have nerve endings in their nipples so just because girls have boobs, doesn't mean that guys don't also like their nipples to be touched. It is seriously one of the most sensitive spots on the body and to ignore this sensation would be a disaster. Do not grab and twist.
5. Do not forget to reciprocate.
In many cases I feel that you may think it is important to have your partner finish because you don't want to seem like you are incapable of making that happen. Well, if you do spend your time on him or her, please don't sell yourself short. Make him or her pay attention to you and make sure you finish as well. It is unfair to have a little session and then you don't get to reap the benefits as well. You worked hard - you deserve an orgasm too!
Now, the results from our last week's sex question. I did my research through Juicy Campus because I know people would be more open by not having to disclose any personal information.
Where is the weirdest place on campus you've had sex?
- "McDowell laundry room, and we broke the radiator"
- "Anderson & Letts showers, haven't we all?"
- "Amphitheater, the gardens"
- "Laundry room in Letts 2, the RA caught us"
- "Top floor of Bender parking garage"
- "AUCC"
Well, thanks for splurging everyone! Have a happy, safe Halloween and fabulous Election Day.
Keep sending your questions and comments to Mia.Libido@gmail.com or drop your questions in the box outside of The Eagle office, MGC 252.
