Since it is the holiday season, there are a few gifts I would like to give out. But instead of Christmas gifts, I'm going to give out eight presents to various athletes for each night of Hanukkah.
For the first night, I would like to give Tim Duncan and Rodger Federer each a better personality. They are the absolute best in their respective sports and two of the best athletes in the world, but each has as much personality as a wooden door. Only true followers of their sports know how great they are and nobody ever talks about them. Maybe a personality will gain them greater recognition.
On the second night, I would make a February appointment with a surgeon for Peyton Manning, Tony Dungy and the rest of the Indianapolis Colts to remove the monkey off their backs.
On the third night I will go see an NHL game because even hockey players need to eat. I probably could have a nice conversation with a player from the upper deck because no one else would be at the game.
On the fourth night, I'm going to send every person who is obsessed with the steroids issue in baseball to see a psychologist. Yes, we know many players are cheaters. Yes, we know many of baseball's records are possibly tainted. Is there any way to know exactly who took what and when and for how long? Probably not. Baseball nuts need to stop obsessing about this issue when it comes to dealing what players did in the past. What's done is done.
For the fifth night I'm going to give every Texans, 49ers, Packers and Jets fan a gun so they can shoot themselves.
On the sixth night I will like to give a Barney's gift certificate to Marcus Camby and every player who asked the NBA for compensation to buy new clothes so they could adhere to the new dress code. Despite that Camby and most NBA players make millions and that many players are complaining about a dress code millions of Americans abide to at their own offices, they deserve gift certificate. Maybe $5 worth.
On the seventh night I would like to send some humble pie to the following people: Chad Johnson (The Bengals are good, the Colts are better), Redskins (.500 team at best), Latrell Sprewell (hope he enough money to feed his kids now), George Steinbrenner (a loss of $50 million!), Donald Fehr (grip on the players union get a little loose there), and Drew Rosenhaus and Terrell Owens, who could share the pie together.
For the eighth and final night, I would like to give motivation to Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong not to retire. Clemens is still one of the best pitchers in baseball and can make the difference between a contender and a pretender. Lance is probably the best athlete in the world. He dominates the Tour de France, the toughest cycling race in the world, the same way Jordan dominated basketball, Gretzky in hockey, Brown in football and Kobayashi in hot dog eating contests. Come back Lance. Win your eighth straight Tour de France and give a big middle finger to the French.
