While chatting with my girlfriends at Georgetown's swank Mie N Yu, I soon discovered that orgasms had become a rarity, along with nice guys and good Chinese take-out. I was shocked, and I was saddened for my girlfriends who were missing out on sex's grand finale: the orgasm.
Now I knew orgasms could easily be achieved, and I suddenly began pulling tons of wild, screaming tales of orgasms galore out of my hat; that is until I started having flashbacks of my latest male adventure. We'll call him The Little Engine That Could, or for the sake of this example, The Little Engine That Could Not. My Little Engine, a swanky trial lawyer, tried vigorously to give me an orgasm, but he simply wasn't equipped to sexually please women with penile penetration. He needed back-ups. He needed more foreplay. And maybe he needed a miracle, or a really good book that could instruct him on the art of the female orgasm. It only took a few minutes of him trying to pleasure me for me to realize that all this man was getting was an "A" for effort.
Somewhere in the twenty-something race to get off as fast as you can, men have forgotten about foreplay and dive straight into sex. Let's take a step back and get some expert advice from porn star Ron Jeremy, who said that more women had gotten off with his tongue than with his 10-inch piece of equipment. Maybe this porn star knows that oral sex is back in fashion, and that is the story of pleasure that is prompting women all over Washington to brag about their latest man and his oral skills.
While most men have good intentions, wanting to desperately please their partner and make the evening a positively memorable one, when he fails to satisfy, many times women fake it to comply.
Every woman at one time or another has faked an orgasm, or two or five or 10. Unlike men, who can be literally brain-dead and still have an orgasm, the task of being pleasured is much harder for women to achieve. In my new sexual bible, called "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a study done by Stefan Bachtel illustrates that three-fourths of men can finish with sex within a few minutes after beginning, while it takes women approximately 15 minutes to be aroused enough to reach orgasm. And while men are coming the day away, less than one-third of women consistently have orgasms from sex. In short, men are getting off and women are getting to give Oscar-quality fake orgasm performances. But what is a sexually frustrated girl to do besides sit around the bar, martini in hand, and bitch?
According to my sexual bible, more oral sex during foreplay is the answer to giving women the big 'O'. When it comes to oral sex, chivalry goes a long way. Making sure your partner comes first means that you can relax and come at ease when you are ready, without the anxiety that you haven't done your part.
And while oral sex may be a much more effective method to get women off, women need to know their own bodies in order to have a better understanding of what makes them come, while men need to be more patient and have an open level of communication to know what feels good and what feels like it may put her to sleep.
Unfortunately, there is no class in college, or high school for that matter, that instructs men on the art of sexually satisfying women. Men have been reduced to watching HBO's "Real Sex," reading Maxim, and getting advice from their co-workers or beer buddies who probably know less than they do.
While porn flicks may illustrate otherwise, "She Comes First" outlines the three worst positions in which to pleasure your partner while performing oral sex. The first is through 69ing, which prevents each partner from being able to truly enjoy their own orgasm. 69ing is what I refer to as A.D.D. foreplay. Another no-no position is S.O.M.F. - yes, ladies and gentlemen, "sit on my face" has now become a scientific acronym. This position doesn't give the giver enough access and it's an uncomfortable position for the receiver to relax in. The absolute worst position for oral sex is with her up against the wall, this position apparently works better in movies than off the big screen because it doesn't provide the giver with enough access, while providing plenty of neck strain. The best way for a woman to receive pleasure is with her laying flat on her back; it seems that when it comes to oral sex, good old missionary is the way to go to give her many big 'O's.
But surprisingly some women have never had a big 'O', not on their backs or in a bed, or on a car or with an ex named Ted, not here nor there; they haven't had orgasms anywhere. And while I thought the woman who had never had an orgasm belonged with the tall tale of the woman who lived in the shoe, I soon learned otherwise. While sipping my French Kiss martini, one of my girlfriends confessed that she had never had an orgasm. Never had an orgasm? I thought I was drunk and had misheard her, but no. Sadly, it was true.
All female orgasms are different, but as a woman or man, you can tell if one's occurring, according to my sexual bible. You can detect an orgasm through heavy breathing, a raised body temperature, tightening the abdominal muscles, and the release of pelvic contractions, where the vagina and uterus contract between 10 and 20 times. According to Kerner's book, the average female orgasm lasts between 10 to 20 seconds. Many women report becoming light-headed prior or during orgasm, experiencing full-body shakes and a feeling of utter euphoria and total relaxation.
For women who have never had an orgasm, I recommend experimenting with a vibrator or other sex toys, or experimenting manually in order to master your own orgasm. If you are an expert on your own body then you will be able to easily instruct your partner on how to please you.
But if the men in our lives still can't get the job done, women will almost always fake it. I have faked my fare share of orgasms, and I can testify that while replicating an orgasm is misleading and does not encourage my bedmate to try to improve his skills, it also saves his ego, and if I really care about him I don't want to humiliate him or hurt his feelings by laying like a deer in headlights or falling asleep mid-show. To improve his performance after the orgasm imitation, I recommend women lead their partners with their hands, verbally tell them what feels good or flash them an article in the latest Glamour that details all of the things you are thinking but just can't bear to say.
While many women may fake it by thrashing their hair, moaning overly loudly and pleading the second coming, some women who act as porn stars in the bedroom may not be faking it. This fall I had a brief romantic encounter with a mysterious bartender, Johnny Blue Eyes, who could make a mean Key Lime Pie martini and had an addictive gaze and sometimes a sly wink. After weeks of flirting, we went out for drinks and instead of having a trashy fling, we talked on my balcony for hours. It was the seventh grade flirting and courtship that I had missed so much and then as the sun was coming up we went to bed. While Johnny Blue Eyes thought I was faking, I thought I had hit the sexual jackpot. Months later I ran into a few of his friends while out and asked how his travels around Europe were going, and his friend confessed that my magical below-the-belt bedmate had thought I had been a big faker, when in fact I had been just the opposite. Sometimes a man doesn't know his own strength or his own power in the bedroom, and as many times as I had faked it in the past, he had been the real deal.
I occasionally joke with my girlfriends, especially after a few martinis, that if they need a quality orgasm I'd be happy to refer him when he returns from his travels abroad. But unfortunately, this one man cannot please all of Washington. The men of this city need to shape up, get their tongues in gear and learn the art of giving their partners the orgasm they deserve, so that Washington women can enjoy authentic below-the-belt bliss and leave the imitation orgasms to Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally"