AU Beirut team loses in PL championship
AU's Beirut team finished 2rd in the Patriot League Beirut Invitational, losing in the finals to long time rival Holy Cross.
"They were just making their shots man, what can I say?" said team Co-captain James Lynbert, "I mean we were pretty wasted by the time we got the finals but I can't make excuses."
However the second place finish is a much better result then last years invitational, when AU was disqualified for their beer selection.
The event, annually held in Anderson 730 where the team is "pretty tight" with the RA, was as closely contested as they come, with the final between AU and Holy Cross going to a fifth and deciding game.
AU came out quickly, getting a three cup advantage, yet a controversial call on Co-captain Helen Sigbert's elbow crossing the line allowed Holy Cross to get back in it.
The Crusaders Junior Matt Helwag, possibly going pro next year, got red hot and hit the rest of his shots, giving Holy Cross the coveted Patriot League Stein.
"The call was bogus," said a clearly still drunk Lynbert, "but in the end we had a good time, got HAMMERED, and still had time to go to Guapos. So all in all, it was a good night."
Lynbert then asked if I "wanted to fight about it" but then apologized for his outburst.
- JELLY BEANE
Basketball assistant coach secretly Ken Jennings
If the answer is that he is to be America's favorite Mormon genius, the question is obviously "Who is Ken Jennings?"
But if the answer is that he's secretly Ken Jennings but poses as an AU Men's Basketball assistant coach, the question is "Who is Kieran Donohue?"
It was discovered last week that the man who broods patiently while Biff Bones rants at his squad is none other than Jeopardy! Champion Ken Jennings.
Jennings, who poses as Donohue, revealed to The Eagle that the public life was just too much for him after he won the money.
"It really started with those stupid Cingular commercials," Jennings/Donohue said. "I mean it was obvious that those people weren't really related to me and I thought the joke was stupid."
Jennings/Donohue went on to say that he has always had a love for basketball and that he figured a low-level Division One school would be a great place to hide. It seems that the plan worked.
"I've never seen Jeopardy and I'd never heard of Ken Jennings before," a disgruntled Jones said. "Seems to me like the question should be why are you still in my office?"
Students reacted to the news by mimicking Will Ferrell's version of Alex Trebek from Saturday Night Live's popular skit "Celebrity Jeopardy." One student was removed from the team's final home game for loudly shouting "It's a freakin' hammer."
Jennings/Donohue said that while he didn't know whether or not the team intended to keep him on the staff, he was confident that he had instilled a new confidence in the players.
"If you go up to any one of the players right now and ask them who Joseph Smith is..." Jennings/Donohue said. "I guarantee you that they will know exactly the right answer and never forget to put it in the form of a question."
Jennings won over $2.5 million on the popular television game show and will return to battle the winner of the "Ultimate Tournament of Champions" in May.
-CLYDE "THE GLIDE" DAVIDSON
