No one likes to go through life saying, "Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda." But for argument's sake, I will.
Ten days ago, I attentively rooted for a Roethlisberger-Vick shootout, a Super Bowl Sunday of the Cowher Scour and More-a Mora. My hope of a Steelers-Falcons Super Bowl was not to be. But, for a moment, let's just pretend.
I assume the Stupor Bowl would've gone a little like this...
First quarter: Michael Vick's arms, not his legs, do the talking as he leads a scoring drive on the first possession of the game, hooking up with super stud rookie Michael Jenkins for a 25-yard touchdown.
Bill Cowher looks stoic ... Nope, no he doesn't. He looks absolutely furious. A bunch of punts end the first quarter at 7-0, Atlanta.
Second quarter: A Joey Porter sack and forced fumble thwarts the Falcons on Pitt's 16, and a long Duce Staley romp gives the Steelers the ball at the Falcons' 36. You know what's good on a Roethlis-burger?
Yup, Hines. And so the Steelers tie it up on a Hines Ward crossing route that he takes to the house.
Vick sets up a 52-yard field goal from Jay Feely with 37 seconds left in the half. Love the guts of a rookie coach going for a 52-yarder so early in the game. Go Jim Mora.
But a big Verron Haynes return gives Jeff Reed another chance to put three on the board from 47. Wide right.
Stupor Bowl Halftime score: Atlanta 10, Pittsburgh 7. Cowher still looks like he ate bad horseradish.
J.B., Terry, Howie and Jimmy spend the whole halftime (see all 30 seconds because we were too busy watching for a Janet Jackson repeat performance) talking about whether or not Cowher should replace the virtually ineffective Ben Roethlisberger with that grizzled XFL veteran Tommy Maddox.
Third quarter: Since Roethlisberger led the Steel to a comeback against the Pats two weeks ago, Cowher sticks with his young gun, and it pays off early. A solid drive, bolstered by Big Ben's efficiency and Jerome Bettis' strong running, nets Pitt three points on a 31-yarder from Reed. 10-10, 10:10 to go in the third.
But it's a 22-yard scramble on 4th and 1 that sets up Warrick (I'm almost) Dunn for a two-yard TD. Heading into the fourth, the ATL is up, 17-10.
Fourth quarter: Porter comes through huge again, this time picking Vick off and bringing the ball back to the Atlanta 30 with just under five minutes to go. A couple Staley sweeps give the Steelers the ball at the 2. And, just like two weeks ago, a missed Plaxico Burress fade, a botched run up the middle and an ineffective sweep have the Steel Curtain facing a 4th and goal from the 3.
Cowher is going to eat someone's raw hand ... and like it.
But, instead of kicking a field goal this time, he elects to go for it. Finally, he uses his athletic quarterback and rolls him out. Best play I've ever seen, as Roethlisberger pumps against Keith Brooking and dives into the end zone, a la John Elway from seven years ago.
Tied at 17. 3:25 left. Put the ball in the hands of your best player and see what happens. Vick and Roethlisberger do the patented helmet-in-hand, chomping-at-the-bit look. And Cowher just stands there.
With a 4th and 2 from the 47, Mora elects to punt. Good decision, play for overtime. But you don't give a rookie quarterback the ball with 1:30 to go. Remember what happened to Tom Brady.
Cowher, instead of playing it conservatively, starts with a crossing pattern that Ward takes for 32 yards. Midfield, 20 yards to field goal range and just more than a minute left. This is going to be very interesting.
One more fade to Burress that he actually catches gets the ball to the 36. Two Bettis runs center the ball with :08 left. Here comes the man of the hour, Jeff Reed, to attempt a Stupor-Bowl winning 49-yard field goal.
Now, the Steelers got here because Doug Brien missed two late field goals in the Jets game and because Vinatieri missed a game-winner in the Pats game (remember, we're pretending), so isn't it fitting, that, oh my God, Reed splits the uprights!!!
Cowher finally smiles, and his jaw is nowhere to be found.
"Jesse, Jesse, it's noon. Wake up."
Ah yes, roommates ... always there to kill a dream. Wait, it's still Patriots-Eagles? Are you kidding? I hate the Patriots and Eagles. Ugh.
Oh well, Falcons fans, there's always the Braves.
Steelers fans, well, there's always ... next year??
