Before I get the ball rolling here, I would just like to thank everyone who has e-mailed me concerning the column. I even enjoy some of the spitefully hateful e-mails because it proves that I struck a nerve. Feedback is almost double what I got last year, and I am truly thankful.
Unfortunately, this newfound fame comes with responsibility. One such responsibility is getting my facts straight. Someone took me to task for saying shooting fish in a barrel was actually quite easy. Apparently, the force of a bullet penetrating through water is strong enough to knock the fish out of a small barrel. That's good to know if it ever comes up, but I said hating on pandas was easier than shooting a fish in a barrel, not killing a fish in a barrel. Everyone knows that when I have a gun, I always go for the gory kill.
Trust me when it comes to fish. I had previously written that I am a seafood clerk at our local Whole Foods Market. Technically, I am not a subordinate, employee or even an associate. The fine folks of the WFM have taken the euphemism ladder up another notch. They call me a "team member." I think this would be a lot more fun if I were allowed to call my bosses "Coach," but they tend to frown on that.
Whole Foods loves using doublespeak to trick their clientele into buying things at almost twice the cost of your regular neighborhood grocery store. Did you know that we sell "fresh frozen fish"? At least in my old store we called our frozen stuff "frozen-at-sea." But "fresh frozen"? It's not like "fresh" and "frozen" are antonyms or anything, but ... no, wait. That's exactly what it's like. Fresh and frozen mean two opposite things. Apparently, if you put them together, the fish seems fresh despite the fact that the seafood will be as hard as a rock. Very clever. That's why our prices are so high. We hire the best public relations men in the world.
I wish the euphemism train stopped there. Clearly, AU loves euphemisms as much as any Whole Foods "team leader." One of the first things I was taught at AU had nothing to do with politics, history or some stupid skill developed in a performing arts class. No, the first thing they taught me at AU was that the dorms are not really dorms. They're residence halls. After all, "D.O.R.M." stands for "dreary old room of mine." This is amazing. An acronym used to justify a euphemism! And people say our literature programs are sub-par!
I am inspired by this wordplay. I am also inspired by how AU has ignored the fact that this acronym was borne out of hatred for the very living quarters that we are (or in my case, were) forced to sleep in. It's only a matter of time until someone comes up with a derogatory acronym for "R.E.S.I.D.E.N.C.E.H.A.L.L." I have been able to come up with "Rarely Ever Sleeping in Dorms..." but then I get stuck. I'm just too close to deadline to actually pursue this.
Euphemisms are also very popular on Capitol Hill. (Oh! I almost forgot! This is the very first Rusty Nail written on the Hill. What better way to take a break from filing and folding than to write the most well-received column in AU media!) Here's my personal fave: "options planning." Women in the military are being denied federally funded abortions in cases of rape. I think this is awful. I remind my readers that I am fiercely pro-choice (admittedly, this is partly because it impresses the ladies). But you can't tell people that you support "federally funded abortions." So, instead we have "options planning." Two euphemisms smashed together to form one Âber-euphemism. Truly inspiring.
I just realized that this column could very well get me fired from not one, but two different jobs. I need to be a seafood clerk for the cash and need to intern for the credit, so maybe this column is ill-advised. It would be one thing if this column was the least bit interesting, but sometimes you get stuck and you have to wax poetic on doublespeak for 700 words. The true mettle of a columnist is shown by how good his bad columns are. Heck, I read an op-ed piece by Thomas Freidman about abolishing the penny, so I know I am not alone here. Hopefully I've passed the Freidman test today.
Lester Russell Allen IV is a senior CLEG major and history minor. The Rusty Nail runs every Monday.
russ.allen@gmail.com
