I finally figured it out. x2716. That's what you dial when the stupid vending machines take your money. 2716. It rolls off the tongue so nicely. I think about calling in and demanding $20 for all the Diet Cokes I was never given. 2716. The promised land.
I assume that everyone out there reading this has been robbed of his or her hard-earned money by vigilante vending machines. (Perhaps at AU, "hard-earned" can be replaced with "money that Daddy gave me.") It's always supremely frustrating and, frankly, I don't wish it on my worst enemies. Even Yankees fans deserve a Fanta grape soda if they really want it.
I feel it is my duty as a representative of the student body to write a "Buyer Beware" guide to the vending machines in the Anderson-Centennial lobby. If you live off-campus, on Northside or in Letts, this probably won't interest you. Actually, yes it will. Anderson-Centennial is where it's at and you know it. So, read on and don't say I didn't warn you when you get an iced tea instead of a Sprite.
I have arbitrarily decided to start with the right end of the vending area and move along in the shape of an upside-down "U." I am making these observations completely on memory, so don't be too concerned with accuracy while you're reading this.
First, the Minute Maid machine. It takes EagleBuck$, and that's always a plus. Unfortunately, this machine offers only four different types of juice. Even worse, three of them are sold out leaving the buyer with no choice but to go the Cran-Grape route.
Next up is the Dasani machine. This could be my personal favorite because it is the only one that has never screwed me over. Of course, it only offers Dasani, which tastes only slightly better than the water offered by the fountains next to the elevators.
Then there's the coffee machine. This machine is operated by Aramark. No, seriously. It is. There's a big Aramark logo on the corner of the machine. The people who clean up your pizza boxes in the lounge also provide us with cheap coffee. Sure, the coffee is watery, but who cares? It's cheap. This is a cramming student's best friend.
Why in God's name is there a toiletries machine in Anderson-Centennial? Don't we have a shuttle that goes to CVS for this very reason? Does anyone remember when this was a milk machine? Man, that was awesome. I miss my daily serving of low-fat coffee-flavored milk. It was healthy, too. It used to be my favorite machine on campus. Now I am sad. I miss that machine so much.
All right, now we've moved on to the snack machines. The snack machines are surprisingly safe to use. I can't remember ever losing out on a bag of Doritos. The selection is a little low and the prices are generally high, but it's still cheaper than the Eagle's Nest or the Marketplace.
I can't remember if there's another machine in this corner. Let's just assume there isn't one and move on to Hell Row. The soda machines. More corrupt than Tammany Hall and just as profitable, these machines eat away at our finances and our livelihood.
Soda Machine No. 1 is the worst of the bunch. It's a poor man's Ritz Casino Night. There's a chance you'll push and get the soda you ask for. There's also a chance of the machine taking all of your money and giving you no product in return. If you're one of the lucky ones, you can put in a dollar and get two or three sodas. That totally made my day once, even if the three varieties of sodas I was awarded weren't the kind I asked for.
Then there's the older looking soda machine, the most frustrating of the bunch. My favorite is when the machine doesn't work and it only gives you 50 cents back, leaving you with no choice but to leave thirsty. Good fun.
Thankfully, we move on to the soda can machine. I'd say 65 cents is a pretty fair price for a can of soda, and it's by far the most merciful soda provider. I give it my seal of approval.
The final two machines are really non-factors. One is always sold out because it takes EagleBuck$. The other is a Minute Maid machine, and Minute Maid is really, really, really gross.
I hope you enjoyed the tour. I probably didn't tell you anything you didn't already know. Then again, knowledge is power and having an Eagle column means I have an obligation to inform the masses (and apparently offend sororities at will). Enjoy using the machines, and don't forget, 2716.
