Friday
A male student was charged with throwing a paper airplane out of his seventh floor window in Anderson Hall. The plane crashed into the Letts-Anderson Quad, and no injuries were reported. The National Transportation Safety Board is still investigating.
A female student was found sunbathing topless on the Quad. She was eventually charged with indecent exposure and may be further charged once the pictures are developed.
A student was charged with sleeping in class. She was referred to Public Safety, which later called her parents. She has been sent to her room without dinner.
Saturday
A student was charged with wearing a polka-dotted skirt and a striped shirt. Public Safety referred her to the AU Fashion Police.
A male student was charged with stealing message board markers in all six residence halls on campus. His alias is Mark R. Bandit. Friends and family of the markers hope for their safe return. A ransom note has not yet been received.
Sunday
A male student was charged with harassment by phone. The student made Bart Simpson-like calls to an area restaurant claiming he was Al Coholic. Approximately two hours later, he called again claiming he was I.P. Freely.
Monday
A squirrel was groped outside of the Mary Graydon Center. The attacker was described as a 5-foot-3 to 6-foot-8 male with blondish brown hair, carrying a broken umbrella.
Manager of Police Services Alan Dwight had lunch. He said it was delicious.
A peace protest outside of Hughes Hall turned violent when the leaders of the group collapsed under the weight of their own rhetoric.
Tuesday
Three students were found carrying weapons, made out of string cheese, in order to catch the squirrel groper. They were found hanging from the roof of the Kogod School of Business.
A student of considerable size was hospitalized after attempting to eat the Kay Spiritual Life Center. He reportedly mistook the structure for a giant cupcake.
Wednesday
A hospital transport was needed from TDR after a student apparently ingested food. The student's stomach was pumped and will be under observation for the remainder of the week. Students are advised to refrain from several of the food-like substances available.
Fifteen students were apprehended while attempting to steal the School of International Service Building. A representative of the group said that it was an innocent prank that turned serious when the group was actually able to lift the structure. Public Safety reports that the small size of the building allowed the group to carry it a half-mile down New Mexico Avenue before they were caught.
