Over the last couple of weeks I have been plagued with a tough case of the ol' mononucleosis. Yeah, mono. That's right, the kissing disease. Rusty had the kissing disease. Please refer to my picture and refer back to that last sentence. Believe me, getting the kissing disease is a small miracle.
For those of you who don't know what mono does, it isn't fun. Your body totally caves in to the pressure of the virus and all sorts of diseases take hold: fever, strep throat, coughing and sneezing. The worst part is the chronic fatigue. You really can't move. Just waking up makes you all sweaty and tired. The best part is if you overexert yourself, your spleen can explode. I am not saying this to be funny. It's true. You can look it up. To prevent my spleen from going Beirut on me, I had no choice but to pop Ibuprofen, sleep and watch lots of TV.
This is my diary of a day in the life of a mono victim.
8 a.m. I wake up after the worst sleep of my life. To avoid waking up my kind and understanding roommate, I watch an hour of ESPN News on mute. It should be noted that this channel plays on a loop every half hour. So I watch the same sports highlights twice in a row without sound to figure out what's going on.
9 a.m. I fall back asleep. I wait for my roommate's alarm to go off.
11 a.m. After waking up, I thank God for the presence of Bob Barker on CBS in the morning. "The Price is Right" has amused me on my sick days since I was 8. And it never gets old. Did you know they don't play Plinko anymore? And I didn't catch the yodeling game either. Still, some fat chick won a sports car, which she will probably have trouble fitting into. That's always a hoot. At my lowest moments, I can always cheer myself up by saying, "At least I'm not fat."
11:59 a.m. Please have your pets spayed or neutered!
Noon I really hate D.C. news. Nothing but murder and angry rich white people arguing over zoning ordinances. The news is not enough to keep me entertained, so it's off to ... ATV!
Man, ATV is such a great thing in times of sickness. Have you seen that show where that chick asks people what their definition of a slut is? My answer would be, "Anyone who wears as much make-up as you!" I mean, I have never seen so much rouge on one girl. Of course, if it weren't for her and her accomplices, mono would have been that much harder.
Another ATV favorite is the presence of Aaron Weiss. Just like his days writing for the back page of The Eagle, no one on ATV gets me frustrated so quickly when it comes to sports. I spent half an hour throwing things at my TV every time he spoke. I could feel my spleen flaring! (Sidenote to Mr. Weiss and his fans, I say this as a compliment. Commentators are supposed to rile people up. Oh, and Philly teams suck. So do Philly fans. During the 1983 NBA playoffs, the Sixers could only draw 5,000 fans. In the playoffs! That's why they haven't won a championship since then. Karma, my friends, karma.)
And then there is that debate show hosted by Zach Ritter. Republicans vs. Democrats! Ohhhh YEAH! I love being a Democrat right now, because everything is going wrong with the country. (Another sidenote: I was watching this before productivity started soaring and unemployment went down a smidgen). One of the Republicans actually said that George Bush was the candidate of choice for educated Americans. All I can say to that is "LOL!" These are the same people that claim that professors are all liberal! To their credit, the Republicans did an excellent job battling the Democrats, which made for good debate, which made me happy.
3 p.m. Did I really just watch ATV for three hours? Oh man, I'm tired. Back to bed.
6 p.m. I really think my body woke me up just to watch "The Simpsons." I am not complaining though. Nothing makes me smile like the comic exploits of Homer.
7 p.m. "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" SCORE! I am the all-time couch potato "Jeopardy!" champion. I cannot be beaten ... except when I have mono. My roommate just killed me. Wiped the floor with me. It's not my fault! He happened to be an expert in ornithology.
8 p.m. Since I can't have solid foods, I make a quick trip to Jamba Juice and un-ironically ask for an immunity boost.
8:20 p.m. I make it back and find my roommate watching "Lord of the Rings." I can not possibly express my hatred for this film franchise. All you "LOTR" fans are nerds and I don't respect you. Of course, since we've been watching what I wanted to all day, he demands to watch "Fellowship of the Ring." I watch, three hours of my life gone forever, and fall asleep. After all, there is another big day ahead for me!
