Satire: How to ruin your parents’ marriage (if it isn’t already broken)
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental
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The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental
After testing positive for the coronavirus, Natalia Martínez-Berríos was constantly anxious about infecting her roommate. She masked up whenever she had to leave her room or came close to her roommate.
From the Newsstands: This story appeared in our Spring 2023 print edition. You can find the digital version here.
Recently, my friend was updating me on a protest movement at Connecticut College, where she goes to school. To learn more, I turned to the best source: its student media organization, The College Voice. It’s the same thing I did when I was learning about the recent anti-sexual violence movement at Harvard University and the local anti-racist movement at Georgetown University. I texted The College Voice’s managing editor, praising her for its thorough and student-centered coverage. I understand covering these issues can be difficult and complicated, mostly because I’ve made American University’s student journalists’ lives difficult and complicated.
Editor’s note: Jacob Fishman, a candidate for secretary is a graphic designer for The Eagle and Taraji Ellington and Aaron Russell, social media editors for The Eagle and now the president and vice president, respectively, of the College of Arts and Sciences Undergraduate Council were not involved in the writing, editing or reporting of this story.
Editor’s note: Jacob Fishman, a graphic designer for The Eagle and candidate for SG secretary, was not involved in the writing, editing or reporting of this story.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
My friends and I have a running joke that I am obsessed with food. I wrote about it in my reporting class as my beat. I really only go out if there’s a food market or a new restaurant. My money is primarily spent on food. I even did my final presentation in an Asian American experiences class on food and identity.
Two American University professors and the president of AU Pride discussed inclusivity and transgender-inclusive policies at a discussion of transgender life in higher education hosted by the School of Communication on March 7.
One week into 2023, a 13-year-old boy named Karon Blake was fatally shot in the Brookland neighborhood in Northeast D.C. The next week, one woman was killed and another teenager and man were injured in a shooting in the district’s Benning Ridge neighborhood. At the start of February, D.C. Metro worker Robert Cunningham was killed and three passengers were injured during yet another shooting, this time in the Potomac Avenue Metro station.
Editor’s Note: Jordan Young, The Eagle’s managing editor for news and a member of DSU, was not involved in the writing, reporting or editing of this story.
In response to an instance of sexual assault in Leonard Hall that resulted in an outcry from the American University community, the University announced in November 2022 that the Community Working Group on Preventing and Responding to Sexual Harassment and Violence would be formed to address campus concerns.
The American University Muslim Student Association participated in a Feb. 13 rally on Capitol Hill organized by the Cornell Muslim Educational and Cultural Association and other organizations to advocate for Uyghur rights.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Editor’s Note: Jacob Fishman, the secretary of Student Government, is a graphic designer for The Eagle. Fishman was not involved in the writing, reporting or editing of this story.
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
When American University announced that the Counseling Center and the Health Promotion and Advocacy Center would merge into the Center for Well-Being Programs and Psychological Services, they did not reveal any substantive changes to programming, besides a new physical office. While the name of the Center may be a mouthful, students are left with an unsavory taste, as the Center offers very few services for LGBTQ+ students.
Headline after headline covering the midterm election ask the same question: what happened to the red wave? The answer is young voters.
“I’m sure AU would require masks if they thought we needed them to be safe,” is a sentence I’ve heard countless times when I express concern about coronavirus transmission in class. I’m not sure they would. After moving classes online at the onset of the coronavirus pandemic, American University had an estimated loss of over $100 million in revenues and increased costs, according to previous reporting from The Eagle. Financial loss pushed the University to reopen before it was safe. AU chose our money over our health.
Headline after headline covering the midterm election ask the same question: what happened to the red wave? The answer is young voters.