The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Local fairies native to the Terrace Dining Room area are leaving in droves due to an epidemic of non-believing students. According to fairy law, fairies must meet a quota of faithful students believing in the magic behind the quality of the food served in their living space. Unfortunately, they have been unable to meet that quota given the quality of food that TDR serves. In light of recent health code violations being made public, those numbers continue to plummet.
In a fruitless attempt to recover enough faithful diners, TDR has placed a ‘BELIEVE IN WHAT YOU EAT’ decal above the Heinz Honey Mustard condiment dispensary adjacent to the grill station and another 14-foot iteration on the entryway steps. Yet, TDR failed to recover enough faithful diners. Remaining fairy residents describe a “desolate landscape,” plagued with illness and starvation.
“We got wind of what was happening because the raw chickens who were still alive in the serving trays had warned us,” said local fairy resident Binker Tell. “Suddenly our magic parmesan dust fountain was depleted, our saran plastic wings were growing holes and everyone was being served eviction notices from our mayor Squeric Squadams, a really big squirrel that scavenges for leftovers in the trash cans outside.”
Typically in fairy culture, a fairy is born from the laughter of a happy student enjoying a meal. But the lack of jolly students eating in TDR served as a final blow to the population. With nothing to offset the diminishing population and nothing to survive on, fairies are forced to say goodbye to their home.
“It just wasn’t sustainable,” said Tell. “But it doesn’t make it any less harder to leave the place you grew up in. Hopefully we’ll find better pastures over at Subway, where we’re contractually obligated to work from 9 a.m. - 8 p.m. in exchange for 2 chocolate coins.”
Following their eviction from TDR, an influx of refugee fairies entered the campus Subway where a new conflict emerged in the sandwich store. In their new place of work, TDR migrants face stigma and ostracization from local Subway fairies as local restaurant governments struggle to find a solution.
“These stupid immigrants, they can’t even make a meal right! They leave only the stems of the jalapenos in the sandwich - who even does that?” said Subway native Gairy Fodmother. “They come in all fancy with their hoity-toity knowledge of a panini press, but they don’t know what it’s like to be a real hardworking Subway-nian citizen. They gotta earn it to live it.”
With an increase in hate crimes, refugees and a demand for processing and housing, the ruling class are feeling the pressure. When asked for a statement, the senate council of magical doves declined to comment. Nonetheless, a document was anonymously submitted detailing plans to ‘bus and ship’ a number of migrants to various locations, including Vice President Talking Raccoon, in a Top Hat’s front porch, in hopes of dispersing the density.
Advocates for the TDR fairies have continued their outreach missions, voicing support for adequate temporary housing in light of refugees only being given little squares of tin foil as blanketing, shelter and clothing.
“They’re breaking their backs over here, working for half the pay and with nowhere warm to sleep,” said advocate Prudy Pidgeiani, a talking pigeon. “And this is the treatment they get? Absurd! Absolutely absurd. I’m talking to my brother-in-law, who’s a talking sparrow lawyer, and he says it’s totally legal to be nice to these folks. So why don’t we do it?”
The Eagle has reached out to Mr. Talking Sparrow Yes He Can Absolutely Say Human Stuff Like The Word Chirp, attorney-at-law, to comment, but unfortunately was only able to communicate with chirps. The TDR fairy translator serving as his assistant was also on strike. According to Google Translate, he may have said that all it takes is to mumble “please” and “thank you” without any direct eye contact; the bar is so low that it’s pretty much in the basement now.
Jasmine Shi is a freshman in the School of Communication and a satire columnist at The Eagle. This article was edited by Nora Sullivan, Alexis Bernstein and Nina Heller. Copy editing by Isabelle Kravis, Sarah Clayton and Leta Lattin.