Benjamin Lozovsky



America oversweetened with sugar substitutes

Sometimes I have dreams, simple aspirations that appear surprisingly translucent and pristine in a clouded mind perpetually stuck in a sky-darkening and bone-drenching monsoon. These notions, these hopeful premonitions, they are rapidly identifiable and always intriguing enough to at least peruse.


Moving to New York: an isolating experience

Oh boy! Did you read the news today? I hope you did, because I sure didn't. I missed what Eurasian pan-epidemic was stirring the global marketplace, didn't seem to catch the newest allegations against the Revenge Department (I'm sorry, did I say revenge? I meant Justice), didn't even examine the latest ex-starlet toxicology screen or wade chest-deep through any month-old, drug-ridden stomach contents.


Mutt, Coulter: cutest couple

Tucked away in the quaint and unobtrusive suburbs of Washington, D.C., a pleasant neighborhood has become embroiled in a fierce conflict. Actually, it's less of a even-sided battle than an unjustly imposed terror, a rapacious scourge worthy of the Cossacks and the Barbarian hordes and even the uncompromisingly cruel Wayans Brothers (pogroms and pillaging are one thing, but did you see "Little Man?").


Book teaches kids more than anatomy

Ballsack, bollocksack, nutsack, bumper nuts, ballbag, beanbag, bawbag, fruit basket, scrot, scrote, escroto... the list goes on. If I were a trashy foul-mouthed scribe who took delight in peppering vulgarities and equally offensive non-American words throughout his ramblings, I'd be tempted to use one of the above terms.


Urban myths, hoaxes color American life

While I've always prided myself on my stellar news coverage (sitting just above FOX News and falling right behind elementary-school PA system announcements in the media spectrum), I only wish I didn't have to report this. Deep in the jungles of Borneo, scientists have discovered a highly advanced race of humans.


Eateries should offer vegetarian options

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross." The great muckraker, journalist and general provocateur Sinclair Lewis wrote those words in 1935 as the specter of Nazism was taking hold of Germany and getting ready to sink its gnarly fangs into the whole of Europe.


Holiday season destroys souls

I come to you a changed man. I arrive weary and sore yet invigorated and hopeful, bearing simply a tale of discovery and reinvention, faith and celebration and unmeditated violence and airborne swine. This is the story of How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Holiday Season.


Strolling to destruction

I used to think motherhood was sacred. Perhaps it was a result of being beaten over the head with endless Madonna and Bambini paintings during my past Italian adventures, but I've just always felt that the undeniable yet inexplicable bond between mother and child was the last good and pure thing left in our rapidly devolving world.


Trippin' over Midwest heritage

Ah, the Midwest. The enduring heartland, the center of our collective consciousness, the bowels of western civilization. This amorphous blob of space, plopped down in the middle of our country like an obese man confined to a living room couch, has come to represent different things to so many different people.

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