As Professor Marley’s 12:55 p.m. GOVT-392 lecture entered its final half hour, ground reports began flooding in that sophomore Geoffrey Wagshal had once again raised his hand.
Initial reports were unable to ascertain whether the international studies and sociology double major was just stretching. The Seagle has received confirmation that the raised hand is yet another attempt to participate in class.
“Our resolve has been tested all semester long. I’m not quite sure how much more we can take,” worried junior Jude Kelly said.
Early semester forecasts predicted that Wagshal would amount to a Category 3 annoyance, yet the student swiftly evolved into a Category 5 tormentor, wreaking havoc on the patience of the unprepared class. While every situation is different, a Category 5 is typically characterized by an inflated sense of intelligence and exorbitant self-importance, which leads to extremely high — often excruciating — rates of unprompted class participation. These students cannot fathom an eventuality in which they are wrong, leading them to lecture students and view the professor as a peer.
The severity of Wagshal’s case has been exacerbated by conditions favorable for a “devil’s advocate” during discussions in Professor Marley’s “Sex, Race, and Fault Lines in American Politics” class. In vain attempts to show intellectual prowess, Wagshal has repeatedly raised his hand to engage in minutes-long lectures about seemingly unrelated topics, only loosely tied to the question posed by the professor.
“Sometimes I feel helpless,” Professor Marley admitted. “Half the time I don’t even know what he’s talking about, and when I do it’s rarely correct. When I pretend not to see his hand, he just starts talking anyway. Even before and after class, he just comes up and talks to me for seemingly no reason, like we’ve been friends for years. What should I do?”
Marley, with 40 years of professional subject matter and teaching experience, stated that despite his belief in the equality of all people, having his experience equated with that of a 20-year-old with three months of internship experience has shifted him drastically to the right.
As Wagshal’s hand fluttered in the air once more, students told The Seagle how they plan to cope with what could turn out to be another condescending speech.
“I like to think about how few friends he probably has,” junior Jamie McCloud said. “Whenever I feel like screaming at him, I just imagine the natural punishment that comes with being so annoying. Leave it up to nature, y’know?”
“I practice breathing exercises,” senior Shelly O’Donnell reflected. “I think this experience has really forced me to get more spiritual. Given me opportunities to practice meditation every few minutes. Realize how great life can be, especially outside this class. It’s the little things.”
Looking forward, The Seagle spoke to experts in the field to see what steps could be taken to prevent future catastrophes.
“Wagshal’s case is one of the worst we’ve ever seen,” Tom Manilow, fellow at the Anti-Entitlement Institute, explained. “Typically, we see these types form when the right mixture of overindulgent parents and deep-seated insecurity morph into an inordinate sense of superiority. In the case of Wagshal, it is abundantly clear that he developed in his early childhood an erroneous belief that anyone gives a shit what he has to say. While I don’t necessarily support bullies, it’s pretty clear whatever private school he went to didn’t have enough of them.”
Whatever Wagshal’s latest participation attempt entails, students can at least take comfort that during such a divisive time in the world, there is one room in America where everyone is united, even if only against a common enemy — Kerwin Hall T6, Mondays/Thursdays at 12:55 p.m.
Jack Leary is a senior in the School of Shapes and Colors, and a satire editor at The Eagle.
This article was edited by Domenic DiPietro, Harry Walton and Gabrielle McNamee. Copy editing by Avery Grossman, Mattie Lupo, Jaden Maitland Anderson and Ryan Sieve.
satire@theeagleonline.com
