The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Numerous students and staff were trampled yesterday after failed AU Student Government candidate Schmitty Hendrizz called for his supporters to storm Terrace Dining Room in protest of his defeat.
TDR became quickly overwhelmed as over 100 Celsius-pounding rioters in full battle sweats broke through the high security plastic mini-barriers. Authorities were especially shocked at the sheer number of people pouring into TDR, due to Hendrizz’s mere 12 votes. Hendrizz explains that he received a surge in popularity, but others attribute the crowd size to TDR’s beloved Mac and Cheese Bite Day.
“The election was rigged,” Schmitty cried shortly before the riot. “Hundreds of CAS students’ votes were switched by Qualtrics!”
His opponent and victor, Richard “Big Cheese” Sinclair, was quick to point out that this was impossible because not even one hundred people voted. Additionally, Sinclair said that Hendrizz should “be so for real, you think anyone from CAS knows how to vote?”
Sinclair won the vote handily with 87 votes, and Sinclair explained that his victory meant he had clearly received a mandate, albeit by only 1.2 percent of the school’s population of approximately 7,500.
Student government was shocked by the low turnout. They had purposefully held elections during fall break, figuring they could maximize participation by targeting people who were so bored while at home visiting friends and family that they’d have nothing better to do.
No one was surprised by the outcome of the race. Professor Allen Lichtwoman had called this race months ago, citing key trends such as short-term economic growth, general vibes and Schmitty’s critical lack of a cool nickname compared to “Big Cheese” Sinclair.
Big Cheese Sinclair also received several key endorsements from notable on-campus celebrities, including Darnell from Qdoba, the campus furry and Pulitzer Prize-losing satirist Jack Leary.
Hendrizz said he was still proud of the campaign he ran and thanked his supporters, who represented a diverse coalition, ranging from gay to straight, Jewish to atheist, white to racially ambiguous and Letts Terrace North to Letts Terrace South.
Plus, a special acknowledgement is due to that one honorary member from Letts five who met one of them during Welcome Week and now just always hangs out there.
Hendrizz’s supporters were up in arms at the apparent election rigging.
“It’s our right to peacefully protest, and then if we get bored, try to violently break into somewhere if we really don’t like what happened!” yelled one protester in a horned Clawed Z. Eagle hat.
A surprising poll found that 75 percent of the AU students approved of the attempted revolt.
“Sure, it’s surprising, given how liberal we are. But you have to understand, this insurrection meant no one else was at the other on-campus dining spots,” explained sophomore Reginold von Kluckick III. “I mean, we care about democracy, but we care about a 10-minute Panera line more.”
Although the protesters initially seemed to face consequences, many were let off scot-free, and organized as a choir to counterprogram the Tinashe concert. Numerous choir names were suggested that articulated the students’ grievances, before they finally settled on simply calling it the 67 choir.
The administration quickly came out to condemn Hendrizz, but when it came time to formally reprimand him, they said that they wished they could, but because Hendrizz was no longer in TDR, it wouldn’t be right to punish him anymore.
AU’s Model UN Team decided to remove Hendrizz as a consequence of his activity; however, Hendrizz was told that if he still wanted to learn more about a bureaucratic agency that is important in theory but useless in practice, he could always visit the Office of Equity and Title IX.
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
