The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Following in the footsteps of shows such as “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” and, briefly, “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” The Seagle has reviewed a recent article by equally funny and popular satirist Eric Steinberg and decided to cancel the article, citing reasons such as it was “really not funny” and was “incredibly poorly written.” The Seagle released the following statement:
“Last Monday, The Seagle received an article from satire columnist Eric Steinberg entitled ‘Top 32 places on campus I ate food at.’ A decision was reached by the department editors not to publish this story. For over a century, The Seagle has prided itself on exceptional journalism and articles written of the highest caliber, and publishing Mr. Steinberg’s article would not have aligned with these values, because it sucked. Despite writing for The Seagle for over a year now, he really s*** the bed on this one. With writing reminiscent of a small, diseased gerbil running across a keyboard, and a piece so devoid of humor that it made the editors wonder if Eric even has a human soul or has ever once smiled before, there was simply no other option. For these reasons, The Seagle made the rare decision not to move forward with his piece, feeling that it would be best for The Seagle, the University and, frankly, the world.”
The cancellations of Kimmel — briefly — and Colbert sparked national outrage, whereas American University students have somehow remained silent on the cancellation of Steinberg. Perhaps this is because they fear additional censorship, but more likely it’s because no one actually reads The Seagle. Not even Eric’s mother; she'll say she did, but then he’ll make a joke referencing one of his articles and she’ll respond with a blank stare.
In fact, The Seagle has only gotten one message at all regarding the Steinberg cancellation. The anonymous message read, “Great day for American University, I told people to do this since taking office! Eric Whine-berg had ZERO talent and was NOT FUNNY. Jack Leary will be next, many people are saying it. Glad to see this LOSER get what he deserved.”
“It was a real disappointment to see,” satire editor Caden Dowell said. “You hate to see a fall from grace like this. For starters, despite the article title promising 32 places that Eric ‘ate food at,’ it only had seven places, and midway through, he abandons the list entirely to deliver a barely coherent rant about a bad glass of milk he had. He then goes on to call for the state-sponsored execution of all cows, goats and almonds!”
Steinberg, once thought to be a rising star in The Seagle’s writing room, was reprimanded and forced to attend a two-week comedy boot camp, going over the basics such as “setups,” “punchlines” and “maximizations of chuckles, hehes and guffaws.”
“I think he used some sort of reverse Grammarly,” Dowell said. “That must have been it. It must have added a bunch of punctuation mistakes and stuff. I can only hope that Eric isn’t a typical product of our education system and that something went horribly wrong with him.”
Steinberg, for his part, claims that the censorship was due to political reasons. When it was pointed out to Steinberg that The Seagle’s politics aligned pretty heavily with his own, he yelled “Nuh uh” and then quickly ran away.
“Actually, I don’t even know which one Eric is,” Dowell added. “Whenever I want something done, I just shout out ‘Scott!’ and one of the curly-haired white boys in Satire will get it done.”
It is a sad day for this University that you now must align with The Eagle’s policies of “being funny” to write for the satire department. In protest, other members of the satire section have promised to write purposely subpar work until Eric can return. It will be a sad day for all who read The Seagle — so, I don’t know, maybe like five of you?
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown, Arin Burrell, Paige Caron and Andrew Kummeth.
