The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Steve: Hi, I’m Steve from Noovie, the show that plays before the ads that play before the trailers that play before the movie theatre ad before the movie. Firstly, I’d like to shout out everyone in the audience: the teenage custodian and one elderly couple who are “making a whole day out of this.” As you know, this is the summer of Hollywood blockbusters bringing people to the movies in droves: “Superman,” “The Fantastic Four” and a new “Jurassic Park,” to name a few. But there’s another movie fewer people are talking about. I’m here with the film’s director, and I have to ask, is your movie worth seeing?
Director: Well, if I’m being honest, no, it’s not. Critics called “Sinners” the most important movie of the year, while they called mine “the eleventh most important movie of late June.” If you want a cinematic masterpiece, go see the rest of them. This movie’s not really for you, except maybe if you liked “The Social Network,” but wished it had more clowns. Critics called it “a real take-it-or-leave-it movie,” audiences said it’s “one of the best ways to procrastinate assembling new furniture,” and Rotten Potatoes just wrote, “Eh, I’ll get to it later.”
Steve: So, tell me, what made you want to direct this movie?
Director: Money.
Steve: I mean, what called you to this film?
Director: Oh, my agent. He called me and said, “Good news, there’s money.”
And I asked, “For me?”
He said, “Yes,” and so I was in.
Steve: As we know, movies are a dying medium. Many visionaries have spoken up about trying to revive the once-great industry. Do you relate to that struggle?
Director: No, not particularly. Let me be very clear: this movie will not save cinema. Some directors have a mantra of “one for them, one for me.” Well, this is one for nobody, except maybe divorced dads who want a distraction from talking to their daughters about their first period.”
Steve: But you still want people to come see your movie, right?
Director: I mean, like, if they want to. I don’t want to force them or anything. I went to the movies with my wife last night and I told her, “Hey, I made this movie, or we could watch ‘Superman’ again, I’m cool with either,” so then we watched “Superman again” and had a great time.
Steve: You didn’t watch your own movie?
Director: I’ll just catch it on streaming.
Steve: Is that what you think audiences will do, too?
Director: Yeah, it’ll end up on Tubi in a couple of years, where it could be watched by upwards of tens of people, if we’re lucky.
Steve: Do you have any parting words for the janitor and the elderly couple?
Director: Yeah, if you know any CEOs looking to cheat on their spouses, ditch Coldplay and come here. There’s gonna be nobody around to catch them.
Steve: Well, that’s all the time we have here today, and be sure to catch — wait, what was the name of your movie again?
Director: Eh, don’t worry about it.
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was written by Eric Steinberg. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting and Ariana Kavoossi.
