The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Peace was restored in Tenleytown yesterday when John Effkennedy, 19, was detained after jaywalking across the street from the library to Target when he didn’t think there was any traffic. Fortunately, upwards of 36 National Guard members, who were all intelligently placed in the same couple blocks of Tenleytown (one of the most crime-ridden areas in the world), swarmed to the scene like moths to a flame, or wonks to someone who forgets a World War II era politician’s name.
Eyewitnesses described it as “that last scene from the movie ‘1917.’” Effkennedy had little to say in his defense, only that he “didn’t think it was a big deal” and that he “only did it because [he] was waiting earlier at that crosswalk coming over from East Campus for like two minutes.”
The National Guard has put a stop to countless crimes over the past few weeks. Before they entered, D.C. was, to put it bluntly, a festering hellhole where you couldn’t even walk down the street without being murdered a couple of times. Even the subway rats had switchblades!
However, all of this has now changed for the better. D.C. residents reported feeling much calmer and safer in the metro now that people are there with guns pointed at them at all times. Recently, 40 National Guard members were spotted patrolling the Wharf, ensuring it wouldn’t fall into the Potomac under the weight of all of its woke crimes.
Guards were especially vigilant during a recent screening of “La La Land,” as they were concerned a viewer might get so distraught when the characters didn’t get together that they would start manslaughtering people. No manslaughter occurred, however, thanks to the National Guard stationed there, which protected the people by just standing around and eating brandless ice cream.
The National Guard has mainly been seen in more tourist-dense areas, which may lead some to think that the whole National Guard takeover is just an extremely costly show of the fascist-like tendencies of our administration, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Crime had previously been up considerably in these areas. It got so bad that four years back, a bunch of people even broke into the Capitol Building!
National Guard members are also very concerned about people defacing national monuments and stealing Smithsonian items. They are on the lookout for such offenders as Spider-Man and Nicolas Cage from “National Treasure.” However, recent policy changes have made it only illegal to steal from “non-woke museums,” such as the Air and Space Museum, and end of list.
Since the National Guard has been deployed, three jaywalkers and a litterer have been brought to justice, allowing residents of D.C. to breathe easy. And with the National Guard now being implemented in Chicago, Illinois, and Baltimore, Maryland, we can expect them to rid the streets of countless criminal dog owners walking their complicit canines without a leash. Those who oppose the National Guard’s presence here need to know that they’re only here to make the country safe and to make sure that the country will be all white. Alright! Sorry, typo.
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting and Emma Brown.
