The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
Hi, I’m your Silly Satirist, apparently stuck somewhere between a pink feminist degree and a lifetime supply of TikTok rabbit holes. Recently, I've rebranded myself as a girlboss feminist, but I figured, why not be open to other perspectives as well? (Because who doesn't wanna be lazy and rich?) And no, I’m not sharing my real name here — call me your S.S.
Cult — oh, I meant my devoted fans — I promise I’m nothing sinister, just aggressively enthusiastic. It’s not even about me anyway. I do this for my cult — I mean, fans, lol.
Which is exactly why today I decided to sit down with some trending TikTok tradwives:
Ashley, Ashlee and Ashleigh. Who needs peer-reviewed research when you’ve got ring lights and sourdough starters?
Interview with Ashley (27, stay At home mom, 12 kids, two million TikTok followers)
S.S.: Ashley, what were you doing before all this? Did you have a job?
Ashley: I used to work a soul-sucking corporate job… but then I had this dream.
S.S.: A dream? Go on…
Ashley: [She leans in, dramatically] Picture it: The breeze kissed my face as I stood in the backyard feeding the chickens and cows. I heard the heavenly voices of 12 children — laughing, sobbing, giggling. A tall, dark, and handsome man comes into view. He’s getting closer, reaching out a steady hand toward my face. I laugh with delight. I'm so close to finally seeing him. His lips move. Piece by piece, I'm trying to figure out what he's saying. As his voice is getting louder.
S.S.: And then?
Ashley: Bzzz — what? BZZZTTT! AH!
S.S.: That’s it?… That’s when you wake up?
Ashley: Exactly. Of course, it was just a dream. But the point is, it was a sign from God. Now I wake up to my babies’ laughter and fresh eggs. It’s what He intended.
S.S.: Twelve kids, though? Most people your age would think that’s excessive and expensive.
Ashley: [Chuckles] It’s because they’ve been brainwashed by the feminist media. You gotta trust the Lord and leave everything in His hands.
S.S.: Because not wanting to go into medical debt from birthing child number 12 is clearly a psyop — I mean, was it hard quitting your corporate job?
Ashley: You know, I quit without any plan. It wasn't easy — mostly because I didn't want to disappoint my dad, him being my boss and hero and king and all, but I knew my true calling was being a wife and a mom.
I’d heard enough. After throwing Ashley her pity party, I moved on to my next victim… I mean, interviewee.
Interview with Ashlee (22, former bank teller, five kids)
S.S.: Ashlee, what changed for you after leaving your job?
Ashlee: I hated working at the bank. Now I don't even have to worry about paying bills or managing finances. My husband handles all that manly stuff.
S.S.: Do you think women should work at all?
Ashlee: I'm okay with women working… but after a certain time, they need to settle down.
S.S.: Fascinating. So women are like Amazon gift cards: they expire eventually. Anyway, what makes you happiest in this lifestyle?
Ashlee: A woman is in her true divine feminine only when she’s a wife and mother. I don’t wanna be a lonely old cat lady. I love gardening, baking and taking care of my husband and kids. I don’t want a nanny raising them. I’ve failed as a mother if I’m not with my kids 24/7. Even while they're asleep. Even when I'm asleep, I'm dreaming about taking care of them.
And for the rest of us paycheck-to-paycheck peasants? According to Ashlee, we’re failed parents, losers. It’s okay, I cried too. But I wiped my tears with my pink feminist degree and kept going. For a second, I thought about chiseling myself into one of those Greek statues, you know, the kind missing an arm but still somehow holding up civilization. At least then, people would admire me for my “timeless feminine mystique” instead of my GPA.
But statues don't pay rent, and neither does “divine feminine energy.”
Still, if they can hold that pose long enough, maybe someone will mistake it for grace.
Anyways, I’m bored so onto the next.
Interview with Ashleigh (20, tradwife-core maximalist, two kids)
S.S.: Last but not least, Ashleigh. What makes you… Ashleigh?
Ashleigh: My small hands, my little frame, and my sweet, soft, feminine voice — it just hits differently on masculine men. And I swear, all your feminist men are out here fantasizing about divine feminine, God-fearing women like us — wondering what it’s like to be with someone as servile as me and who smells as strongly of yeast as a 3 a.m. Panera Bread.
Ashleigh is basically the tradwife-core remix of Princess Nokia’s Genius episode, think less rap, more hymnal and prayer beads. If you know, you know. If you don’t, just picture a karaoke night where all the songs are replaced with vows and the prize is a lifetime supply of bone broth.
Ashleigh: I wish we could go back to “the good ol’ days,” when women were actually happy. You know — back when women didn’t have to worry about annoying things like voting, owning bank accounts or going to school.
Closing Thoughts
I do wonder what will happen to women with millions of followers making divine feminine, God-fearing content if we actually did go back to the good ol’ days. Odds are, they wouldn't last long, not once they realized those days didn't come with Pinterest boards, pumpkin spice cold foam or ring lights. The prairie dress hits different when you can't post it to Instagram.
But, hey, I’m inspired.
Maybe I will consider stepping into my divine feminine energy, too.
For now, my divine feminine is tragically occupied… bedrotting and brainrotting.
Oh well, what can I say? Oopsie daises!!!
Faiza Mujahid is a junior at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting, Emma Brown and Ariana Kavoossi..
