The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
In the time since Donald Trump’s ascension to the presidency, the approval ratings of Congress and the president have undergone significant shifts. Though it feels like the second Trump administration came to power 800 years ago, the midterm election season is now only a year away. To get an idea of how the 2026 election may shake up the political sphere, the Seagle got in touch with some independent Trump voters from the 2024 election to see how their political perceptions have changed.
Our first voter was Joanna Macdonald, a 42-year-old auto mechanic from Erie, Pennsylvania. Macdonald explained that while she is disappointed by the actions taken by the administration so far, she would reluctantly vote the same way if given the same choice a year later.
“I mean, sure, last week the school board was forced to burn every book in the elementary school library,” Macdonald admitted. “But what is the alternative? I mean, what if my kid accidentally found out that there are happy and healthy gay people? What if he started to believe that we were descended from monkeys? I always knew they made a mistake with that Scopes trial, and they’re just making a long overdue correction.”
Macdonald claimed that even though she wasn’t thrilled with the President’s actions so far, she came to the conclusion that Americans “should just bite the bullet on this one.”
However, Macdonald praised the president’s actions on immigration. She claimed to feel much safer than during the Biden administration, when undocumented immigrants could cross the southern border a mere 1,700 miles away from her own front door.
Our second interview was conducted with Rupert Connolly, a retired 65-year-old living in Las Cruces, New Mexico.
“Was Trump the best man for the job? Maybe not,” Connolly professed. “But the keyword there is MAN. I mean, can you imagine if we had elected a woman president? Boy, what a nightmare! If we’re on the brink of nuclear war, we can’t let any girly feelings get in the way. What if she was meeting a foreign leader and she suddenly got her period? She’d probably start whining, just like my wife, then we’d have China walking all over us!”
After briefly peeking over his shoulder to make sure his wife was still out of earshot, he continued. “I’ll tell you, if we had Kamala around here, this country would be in even worse shape than my marriage.”
When asked if he approved of Trump’s performance so far, Connolly said that while he was ecstatic to see Trump “let those dumb broads know that we men know what’s best for them” through the revocation of abortion access and the restoration of “traditional values,” he was concerned that Trump’s tariffs policy might actually hurt him personally, which is where he drew the line.
Our interview was unfortunately cut short when Connolly’s wife, 62-year-old Dianna Connolly, native to neighboring San Pablo, New Mexico, announced that she had discovered Rupert’s correspondence with a Facebook bot, Alexxxandra305, operating out of servers in Karachi, Pakistan, and began beating him over the head with a wooden spoon.
Our final look into the inner workings of the American median voter came from 22-year-old cashier Nate Jimenez of Monroe, Michigan, who told us that if given the opportunity, he might change his vote.
“Ok, so like, I think that feeding people to alligators is awesome, right?” Jimenez began. “I mean it’s just gnarly, and like, totally metal to think about. Hell, Alligator Alcatraz is the name of my buddy’s thrash metal band! But like, in practice? I dunno, something about it just feels… wrong? If that makes, like, any sense?”
Jimenez expounded upon the creeping feeling that some of the policies he initially supported may not be morally sound. “You know, and all of this ICE stuff too? All of the arrests? At first I thought they were really cool, you know, busting into peoples houses or whatever… but now? I mean… what’s it called when you feel bad, but it’s like, for somebody else? Sad-else? Badnessathy? Oh, empathy, that’s the word.”
Jimenez finished the interview, stating that he felt like there was a clear comparison to the popular media franchise Star Wars. “It’s just like when you’re watching one of those movies, and it’s so hard to tell who the good guys are, you know? I mean, you don’t agree with Vader murdering all those kids, but Yoda is so annoying and preachy! You can never figure out which side to root for.”
With more than 80 percent of Trump’s second term left to go, it can be difficult to predict how the electorate will change by the time the next election rolls around. But if one constant can be drawn from year to year, it’s that the median voter will never get any more intelligible.
Jack Leary is a junior in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Jack Leary. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe, Neil Lazurus and Walken Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting and Emma Brown.
