The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
As Donald Trump’s military parade rolled through D.C. earlier this summer, students braced for what they thought was an inevitability: Trump would find out that American University exists. Fortunately, that day has yet to become a reality. In his quest to purge higher education of diversity, equity and inclusion, President Trump has somehow forgotten about one of the gayest, Jewish-est schools around, and it’s sitting right under his nose.
“We’re all waiting for it,” explained College of Arts and Sciences professor Vivaan von Veelvan. “You know he hates to see a racially diverse friend group playing frisbee on the quad. But still no sign of the guy.”
“I mean, Trump must drive here all the time, right?” inquired John Johnson, an AU senior in the School of Public Affairs. “Does he get distracted by the True Burger and forget there are actual classes here? I’m just confused how we’re so close to him, yet he’s able to completely ignore us. This must be how Eric [Trump] feels.”
“It’s especially surprising considering how outspoken the administration is against him,” said AU junior Boris Borstein. “I mean, they’re constantly speaking out. Well, they’re periodically speaking out. Through email. Emails that I don’t read. Ok, I’m starting to see now how we flew under his radar. He treats AU like I treat a sale at Kohl's. I’ll only check it out if the prices are really low, and at AU, that’s never gonna happen.”
AU students are particularly curious about how they’ve gone undiscovered after last year’s debut of “AU Encounters: James Baldwin.”
“It was like 50 white kids in a room talking about the Black experience and glazing a Black, gay novelist,” said an anonymous freshman. “Removing that kind of stuff from schools is like Republican fanfiction.”
“Part of it is preventive measures on our end,” explains Meghan Megson, a University official. “Whenever we see the presidential motorcade ride by, we have our pep band play a rendition of ‘Y.M.C.A.,’ especially emphasizing the ‘men’ and ‘Christian’ parts of the song. We’re hoping that music can drown out the sound of any actual learning happening on campus.”
Instead, maybe it’s the anonymity of the University’s leadership. Trump was able to pressure the president of the University of Virginia to resign, but one study found that zero out of ten AU students were able to pick out Jonathan Alger in a lineup of other random white men.
Another trial group was attempted, but results were inconclusive after the members’ discussion devolved into an argument over the proper way to pronounce Alger’s last name. A third trial group had never heard the name at all, wondering if maybe he was an actor in the new Superman movie or something.
It should be noted that the University has a contingency plan in case Trump accidentally stumbles across AU on his search for rogue, properly educated young people. These reforms, which would be implemented in such a case, include covering up the windows in the SIS atrium with tar (they form too many rainbows), moving the Sakura Scholars program from Japan to Greenland (they won’t even be studying abroad soon), and replacing the Halal Shack with a Chick-fil-A Shack.
“For whatever reason it is, I feel lucky that Trump doesn’t know we exist,” said one wonk, Sylvia Birdwell. “I mean, you see what’s happening at Harvard, it makes me glad I’m not going there.” She paused for a moment and then added, “No, I don’t mean that.”
Eric Steinberg is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was written by Eric Steinberg. It was edited by Aidan Dowell, Alana Parker, Quinn Volpe and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Sabine Kanter-Huchting and Ariana Kavoossi.
