The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued as actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
The following piece is an opinion and does not reflect the views of The Eagle and its staff. All opinions are edited for grammar, style and argument structure and fact-checked, but the opinions are the writer’s own.
Congratulations! You’ve just landed a job at [redacted] Western news outlet that believes objectivity means not offending war criminals. Welcome to Western journalism — where genocide is just a “flare-up,” and Palestinian lives are theoretical.
Let’s get this out of the way: You’re not here to report the truth. You’re here to report a NEUTRAL version of the truth, where the bodies are real but the killers are “unknown assailants.”
You’re not a journalist. You’re a human smoke machine.
And you’ve arrived just in time for your first assignment: covering the ongoing genocide in Gaza. But don’t worry — we won’t use that term. That’s a “feeling” word. You’ll learn our language soon enough. It’s called “Passive Voice,” and it’s the backbone of ethical-ish reporting.
Let’s practice:
- Don’t say: “Israel bombed a hospital full of children.”
- Say: “An Airstrike At Gaza Hospital Kills Hundreds.”
- Don’t say: “Six Palestinian babies died due to Israel’s aid blockade.”
- Say: “Six babies die of hypothermia in Gaza cold snap.”
See the difference? One sounds like a war crime. The other sounds like a weather update. Beautiful.
Children? What children? One of the toughest things you’ll face as a Western journalist is trying to figure out whether Palestinians qualify as humans. It’s confusing, we know.
The secret? Just age them up!
- If a 6-year-old girl is killed by Israeli tanks, report it as: “a woman who was killed.”
- If a 14-year-old boy is shot 11 times, try: “14-year-old dual Palestinian-U.S. citizen killed in the West Bank.”
Because in Gaza, children are rarely children. They’re future threats. Mini militants. Barely humans. Definitely. Not kids.
Meanwhile, if an IOF soldier is killed, the world mourns, if Palestinians die, the grammar does the killing — oops, I meant IDF (because nothing screams “defense” like shooting at children… or even your own people, especially if they’re waving a white flag), write:
“Israel names teenage soldiers killed in Hezbollah drone attack - as ‘23 die’ in Gaza school strike.”
Israeli soldiers are killed with names, ages and childhood dreams — Palestinians simply die, preferably in quotes, and preferably en masse, so no one has to spell out the details.
Bonus points if you can work in a quote from the IOF spokesperson about the soldier’s childhood dreams. (Yes, I said IOF — Israeli Occupation Forces). Because if bombs are “falling” and hospitals are “struck,” I figured I’d try active voice for once and actively name the people doing the occupation. Western journalists, you may never, ever do this. Okay? That’s against the sacred AP Style Guide of Cowardice. And who am I to judge? I’m just a silly satirist for a column no one reads.
Words like “apartheid,” “occupation,” “siege” and “ethnic cleansing” are far too spicy for our style guide. Instead, we prefer:
- “Clashes” — Works great when one side has drones and the other has a rock.
- “Escalation” — Sounds like a group project gone wrong, not over 50,000 humans being targeted and killed.
- “Complicated” — Because nothing screams journalism like pretending genocide is just a messy breakup.
Palestinian Journalists? Never Heard of Them!
Palestinian journalists are on the ground, literally filming their own neighborhoods being leveled. Many have been killed for reporting the truth. But don’t worry about them. We won’t mention their names — unless it’s in a segment called Voices from Both Sides (or perhaps Standing Together), where the IOF press officer gets the last word.
You, on the other hand, are safely 7,000 miles away, rewording headlines from the Israeli government’s Telegram channel — “Roof Knock Leads to Spontaneous Hospital Collapse,” or whatever today’s slogan is. Journalism!
Objectivity is when no one gets blamed.
In Western media, “objectivity” means never using the word “genocide” unless it’s already in a United Nations report from three years ago, buried under 14 other crises. It means pretending that a deliberate, systematic campaign of starvation, bombing and displacement is just “tensions escalating.”
It means writing things like: “Civilians continue to die as violence rages on.” “Die”? From what? Sadness? Gluten?
Your Final Exam:
Headline this real event: Israel drops bombs on a refugee camp, killing 33, including children.
“Dozens killed in Gaza blast as conflict intensifies.”
You just gave an A+ answer! Breathtaking. Passive. Vague. No mention of who dropped what. You’re ready.
So welcome to the team. Remember: Palestinian lives may be fleeting, but your editorial integrity? That’s forever — as long as you never use the Absolutely Evil Hunger Games Capitol-type Empire “Israel” in the same sentence as “genocide,” “apartheid” or “war crime.”
Now go forth and write the truth. But make sure it’s vague, sanitized and utterly useless.
Ethical-ish, baby!
Faiza Mujahid is a sophomore at the School of Public Affairs and is a satire columnist for the Eagle.
This article was edited by Jasmine Shi, Alana Parker, Maya Cederlund and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Olivia Citarella, Emma Brown and Ella Rousseau.
