Editor’s Note: Some submissions have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
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I always give back and reach out to people, but no one reaches out to me at all. Is there something wrong with me?
If you’ve consistently found yourself being the one who reaches out to your friends, but when you need someone to check in on you, there is no one to be found, it’s okay to feel hurt. But that doesn’t make it sting less. It shows more about your personality than those around you. But instead of being internally frustrated, talk to those friends and share how this inaction made you feel.
This topic has been on my mind for weeks, after a friend brought up a similar struggle. She told me she’s constantly checking in with her roommates and keeping tabs on their schedules, but when it comes time for them to ask about her, the conversation always seems to fall short. She felt they weren’t making the same level of effort that she was.
She would be the first to tell you how frustrating that can be and how invalidating it can feel, especially when you go out of your way to make your friends and roommates feel welcome. She was sharing this dilemma with her mom, who imparted the golden rule of advice on this subject: “You cannot automatically expect the people around you to know how you want to be loved; you have to tell them.”
This advice flipped a switch in my mind. I am not very confrontational, but my friend is, so she was able to have that direct conversation with her roommates — say how it made her feel, and what she wanted her friends to do in return for her. In her situation, that mindset shift allowed her to understand that she does these actions because it is her personality, but it may not be her friends’ situation. The conversation was able to open the door for more conversations and for her roommates to understand how they can ensure that she still feels like she is being checked on.
If you are like me and struggle to share these frustrations out loud, think about it from another perspective. Something I try to remind myself of when I’m feeling this way is the “why” behind my actions. Am I reaching out to my friends because I expect the same from them, or do I do it because it is part of who I am?
Yes, sometimes, it can be extremely frustrating when you constantly look out for others, but when you need someone to do the same, no one is near. But remembering why you are doing it can help.
But you also don’t have to stay silent. You can reach out to your friends and say, “This is frustrating me, and I want to hear your thoughts,” which can be a way to open the door to more honest conversations and maybe even closer friendships.
Ritika Shroff is a sophomore in the School of Public Affairs and a columnist for The Eagle.
This article was edited by Quinn Volpe, Alana Parker and Walker Whalen. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks and Olivia Citarella.
