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Tuesday, May 21, 2024
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Satire Seagle

Satire: Alabama-native sorority prospective expresses discontent with AU Panhellenic

DEI = Don’t Even Initiate

From the Newsstands: This story appeared in The Eagle's April 2024 print edition. You can find the digital version here

Early in January, deep in the Letts Hall terrace with subtle sounds of Morgan Wallen in the background, a storm brewed in Amberleigh Jones’ heart as she navigated the treacherous waters of Panhellenic recruitment. 

Gone were the days of exclusivity and conformity, replaced instead by a wave of diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives. With each mention of intersectionality and cultural sensitivity, the Southern belle felt herself clutching her pearls tighter, her mint julep losing its sweetness and her carefully cultivated image of genteel exclusivity crumbling like cornbread. 

In a world where ‘southern charm’ collided with ‘progressive ideals,’ she found herself adrift in a sea of feminist speeches and woke slogans, clinging to her monogrammed bag as if it were a life raft in a river of political correctness. She longed for the days when rushing meant sipping sweet tea on the veranda and judging girls based on pedigree rather than their commitment to social justice.

On the last night of recruitment, Amberleigh ran back to her room in her Lilly Pulitzer pants, scream-crying to “Sweet Home Alabama.” She immediately opened her Simply Southern sticker-covered Macbook and started the transfer Common Application. By 3 a.m., she had already applied to the Universities of Alabama and Georgia, as well as Syracuse. 

“Why can’t these people be normal,” she wept to her mother as tears stained her fake tan. “I don’t even know what a she/they is!” 

The next day, in a conversation with her sister, Elleigh, she asked what it means to be bisexual. “The president of Ligma Sugma was explaining how accepting the chapter was when she came out as bisexual,” she asked. “Who cares if she speaks another language, don’t we all?” 

Members of AU’s Panhellenic community shared their not-so-pleasant experiences with Amberleigh. One member of Alpha Phi Phallic explained that Amberleigh made comments about the organization’s blonde-to-brunette ratio, stating that at least half of the brunettes should have to bleach their hair for her to even consider pledging. 

The president of Sigma Coitus said that they were willing to give Amberleigh a bid. “We just kind of felt bad for her,” she said. “Remember that book the Class of 2024 read for AUx? The one about the neo-Nazi that was integrated into liberal education and changed his political beliefs?” she asked. “We thought we could’ve done that to her — and I really needed to finish my psychology capstone.” 

Moving forward, AU Panhellenic seeks to open its arms to potential new members of all backgrounds, hair colors and cultures. An anonymous representative stated that they were “disheartened” by Amberleigh’s reaction and wished she could have made it to bid night where she surely would have been even more disappointed. “We single-handedly seek to keep AU’s transfer rate high,” they said. 

Amberleigh was last seen staring back at Letts as her stepmother and former nanny packed their Hummer. In the backseat, Amberleigh looked back, waving goodbye to her roommate, who had just noticed that the license plate of Amberleigh’s car said “l8r p00r pp1.” 

Allie Grande is a senior in the School of International Service and a satire columnist for the Eagle. 

This article was edited by India Siecke, Jelinda Montes and Abigail Pritchard. Copy editing done by Luna Jinks, Isabelle Kravis, Sarah Clayton, Ariana Kavoossi and Charlie Mennuti. 

satire@theeagleonline.com


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